Magic, You and only you need to make a decision about attending the cocktail function. It's either a go or no go. Comments/thoughts from others shouldn't be the determining factor in what you do. If you want to go...then go. If you want to sit home and watch TV, then by all means do so.
Decision making appears to be a weak link for you. It's time to practice being more independent and making your own decisions w/o seeking our advice each and every time something comes up.
Deciding what to do this evening is an easy one and doesn't require analyzing and dissecting it to bits. Sounds to me like you don't want to go...is that correct?
Job.. I am 'desperate' and WANT to go, of course (anything to be with him).... but, want to know some of Starsky's advice on this as he was able to direct Pearlharbr in a way that got her to know her self-worth.
Being desperate is not "attractive" I know... but, just being real & honest here.
The initial response is to want to go, but to DB and do things counter-intuitively suggests that I don't go. DB'ing suggests that you don't accept "ALL" offers.
However, I see your point job in that if I should go, it shows that I can do things without expectations.... I just don't know if this is the right venue.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
This is my nose out of joint. Because he is doing this "without" me in partnership/relationship....
MM,
I think you need to remind yourself that this is what you wanted -- NEEDED -- in the relationship. If the old, non-committal way was working for you, then you wouldn't have told him you needed more. If it WASN'T working for you, and you meant what you said that you needed commitment . . . then the above shouldn't bug you so much.
I personally think you are BOTH very co-dependent on both each other, and on the dysfunctional relationship.[u][/u]
also Starsky... Im not sure if you are up to date with that male x-friend. He tried to intentionally sabotage any chances with my X. As he wanted me for himself. I just found out that he would call my X in the middle of the night telling him about "us".. even though there was NEVER an "us". He told lies of how we were "together" to other friends, etc. So.... I have a real HATE on for this guy & do not trust him. When this all broke loose a few weeks ago, my Xbf had concerns that I needed to clear up. I had to earn & gain his trust on this issue. My honesty to Xbf was to inform him that he was making an attempt at reconnecting again... that is what my motivation was for telling him yesterday. To just be honest. I have NOTHING to do with this guy!!
Job.. I am 'desperate' and WANT to go, of course (anything to be with him).... but, want to know some of Starsky's advice on this as he was able to direct Pearlharbr in a way that got her to know her self-worth.
Being desperate is not "attractive" I know... but, just being real & honest here.
The initial response is to want to go, but to DB and do things counter-intuitively suggests that I don't go. DB'ing suggests that you don't accept "ALL" offers.
However, I see your point job in that if I should go, it shows that I can do things without expectations.... I just don't know if this is the right venue.
If you WANT to go, for just business/"fun" (and not "relationship with xBF") reasons . . .
and IF you can keep your expectations in check . . .
and IF your going can come across to xBF NOT as pursuit of him, but just as you wanting to go to this because you've always enjoyed it, and you need/want the business networking . . .
. . . then you should go, in my opinion.
However, I strongly doubt that you can keep your expectations in check. Every single thing you post just oozes with xBF, what he's doing/saying/thinking, what you are doing/saying/thinking about him, and the relationship, etc., etc., ad nauseum. That's not a criticism -- just an observation -- but IF that's what you are still at right now, that's OK. Just KNOW that, and OWN it, and say to us "I'd love to go to this, but I think I'm still way too enmeshed with xBF right now and it would probably come across as 'pursuit' and I'd probably have way too many expectations, and besides it's not cool to wear duct tape over my mouth to such an event, so . . ."
and then don't go.
Does that make sense?
I agree with Job, however -- YOU need to be able to make these routine decisions on your own.
Magic, What's with the "desperate" comment? You make yourself sound needy. Stop it! This is not the woman that has been "acting" like she was getting her life together. Pull yourself together and get w/it. Besides, you are making yourself dizzy as heck because there's no guarantee he's going to come back and ask you to go this evening. He may opt to miss it himself. Stop spinning on the hamster wheel and focus on work. You are spinning a huge spider web that doesn't need to be spun.
Deciding whether to go or not go, should be an easy decision. You shouldn't base your decision on what any of us advise you to do. This is a personal decision. Dig deep for that woman who was showing strength and some decision making last week.
The decision to attend or not is a no brainer and doesn't need to be analyzed by all. Got it?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
ok... let me try. I am trying very hard to understand here...
YES... I need to make my own decision based on "ME" without considering his input.... I seem to do that ALOT.
Starsky... to answer, honestly:
If you WANT to go, for just business/"fun" (and not "relationship with xBF") reasons.
I WANT to go, to be with him...honestly. There is really no "business" in this evening. The last time we were there for no more than an hour. We don't even walk around together./color]
and IF you can keep your expectations in check . . .
[color:#3333FF]I can manage myself around him, but might question things and look for MORE after. There will not be "more" to look for.
and IF your going can come across to xBF NOT as pursuit of him, but just as you wanting to go to this because you've always enjoyed it, and you need/want the business networking . . .
Yes.. I can do this. But has nothing to do with our business. Just food as far as I can tell. As Job suggests, its an opportunity to show that I can have fun... I can do THAT!
. . . then you should go, in my opinion.
What happened to your "don't accept mere cookies" concept??? THIS is not a REAL date... its an excuse to be together under the disguise of "work".... don't I deserve better?
Job.. Yeah...desperate. Guess Im not having a good day today. I miss him/us terribly and want it back!! I do sound needy and its ugly. STOPPING!! I do not want to be "Needy".
He will likely be going 95%, unless there is reason to delay due to his business offer on that property with that agent.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He is informing me pretty much of each interaction with her about this deal. I guess its nice that he is keeping me in the loop.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Why don't you just live authentically and go ahead and be as desperate as you actually are, and act accordingly and see where it gets you. Your BF broke up with you a long time ago and has done nothing since but make occasional empty promises to "later" "consider" reconciling. What do you have to lose?
Perhaps if you stop playing games he will need to be more clear about the fact that he has no interest in giving you the relationship you want. His actions have spoken clearly but you have not accepted what they mean.
A lot of the problem with your inability to know how to BE is that there is a big disconnect between your true self, which is desperate to have him in any way shape or form, when we're being completely honest...and the self you're trying to portray in hopes that you can wheedle a real commitment out of him. Playing games, implementing tactics, acting against your real feelings, creates dissonance in you.
Every attempt people have had here to encourage you to change your feelings, to be less desperate for him, to realize how little he offers you, have hit a wall of resistance. So maybe accept that you are desperate for this guy who does not have the capacity to offer you a commitment, and go for it. See where it leads.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Well...shouldn't he be keeping you in the loop on the negotiations? After all, aren't you a partner in the business? Why hasn't he included you in the negotiations? This is something that you should be asking yourself. Is he keeping you out of them because he doesn't want you truly involved in the negotiations and be uninformed or does he think you will be confused by all of the hodge podge? Think about it. In business partnerships, generally both partners are involved in all negotiations if it pertains to the business.
Why are you particularly desperate today? Are you basing how your day goes by how you feel about yourself due to the interactions w/him? That's not good. Your day should be about you, what you accomplish or don't accomplish, etc. Whether your xbf bats his eyes at you or gives you a smile, shouldn't be the main factors in how your day is going.
The green eyed monster has you by the tail today. Actually, it's never far away and you need to get a tight rein on it. What happened to all of those tools you have in your tool box to help you? Did you put the tool box in the closet and say the heck w/it? You do realize that you create a lot of your own drama by spinning? Stop, get off the wheel and just be the real you. You'll find that you aren't carrying a heavy load if you just be yourself and learn to listen and know when to chime in on things.
I was very authentic the other day.. now I am trying to hold my position and NOT bug or speak of getting back together. To do as Job suggested: you've made yourself very clear. You do not need to clarify anything else. Leave him be to mull things over. Step back, leave the rope on the ground and go about your business. Actions speak louder than words...give him the time and space he requires. You can't rush this...
SO... how can I do this... and why does he bother to ask me to go? This messes me up. How do I leave the rope on the ground in this circumstance? My action of NOT going speaks loud, how? What would it say? What would it say if I went? I am trying to give him the time, but he asked me...
I was doing so well yesterday & day before!
Advina ~~Every attempt people have had here to encourage you to change your feelings, to be less desperate for him, to realize how little he offers you, have hit a wall of resistance. So maybe accept that you are desperate for this guy who does not have the capacity to offer you a commitment, and go for it. See where it leads.
I am seeing how little he offers here... I am seeing a "fake date" offer here... which is why I think I should decline... I see that he does not have the capacity to offer a commitment at this time, just fun.... so...do I take it? ... if this was a real date, I would, this time. But this is NOT a date! I do want the opportunity to have fun some time.
I am not that desperate to accept a fake date, am I?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
