Wanted to ask - maybe a vet or someone else who has dealt with this can chime in.
When I validate by saying "I understand..." H gets FURIOUS and says "NO YOU DONT OR WE WOULDNT BE IN THIS POSITION."
What should I say to that?
None of us can really understand what another person is feeling. Is your anger management helping you with this type of communication? Reflective listening is a crapshoot. You have to really listen and respond in an authentic way, something like, "I can see that x was really important to you," or "tell me more about that," or just listen without responding other than to show you're interested.
You do like to push buttons. Why is that?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Yesterday was a good day. Work was long, but I left early. Got home, cleaned up a little (asked the neighbor to keep watching kidlet so I could clean) and then H came home unexpectedly. I had mentioned I was going home early to clean. He showed up, started flirting and I gave in. We ML. He laid there a while next to me to cuddle.
Here's what I think sparked that. We have been getting along. I've been GAL and been the happiest that I've been in a long while. I've been seeing friends, doing things around the house. NOT ARGUING. Getting along with him. Being happy. I am still on an emotional rollercoaster, but the drops are less and less.
Last night was fun. I went out, saw friends I ride horses with, chatted them up. Talked about projects for the house. Rode horses. Moved some cattle around. I had cooked taco meat for H and kidlet before leaving. He complimented me on it when I got back. I was on cloud 9 from hanging out with friends, so I was in a stellar mood. I told him I had to take a shower, but then was going to watch DVR episodes of Parks and Rec, and asked if he wanted to watch it with me. He said yes. As I was walking by, I saw his wedding ring on the nightstand. I didn't say anything or stare, just kept walking. We chit chatted about work, about his plans for the weekend and mine. He seemed almost down in the dumps that I was going out to see friends at a swanky lake house, with the kiddo, going out on a boat etc. I'm really excited about it though, so I'm not going to hide my happiness. He could be there with me had he chosen to, but he does not want to be there. That's his choice. I can't help his feelings about not going.
He watched TV with me and we hung out some more. He initiated ML again. I started falling asleep, and he turned the TV off and went into the guest room.
This AM, the ring was in the same place, though that's the first time I have seen it since he filed. It's a big symbol to him, so I think that's a plus. Also - I decided to put my wedding band back on. The engagement ring I'm not ready to wear. The diamond was the same one his dad proposed to his mother with. They are divorced. We are on the rocks. I don't like his mother at all. She's evil and has contributed so much to the downfall of our marriage, but mainly because the two of us let her. So it holds a lot of negative emotions for me. My anger management counselor thinks that I'm not ready to deal with those emotions about MIL yet, so that it might be best to hold off on that one for a while. I already knew I was not ready to wear it though. But the wedding band he bought me was thoughtful, simple etc. He saw this on my hand yesterday, as I caught him looking at it. He didn't say anything, but after he saw it, his mood changed. I also noticed his wedding band out after the fact.
This morning, we both overslept alarms and the kiddo woke up both up at 6AM (usually when I have to leave!) He took the baby for me so I could get ready and run off to work. He told me he hoped I had a great day, and that he'd call me later.
Yesterday was a good day. Today has started off well. I hope the trend continues.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
Wanted to ask - maybe a vet or someone else who has dealt with this can chime in.
When I validate by saying "I understand..." H gets FURIOUS and says "NO YOU DONT OR WE WOULDNT BE IN THIS POSITION."
What should I say to that?
None of us can really understand what another person is feeling. Is your anger management helping you with this type of communication? Reflective listening is a crapshoot. You have to really listen and respond in an authentic way, something like, "I can see that x was really important to you," or "tell me more about that," or just listen without responding other than to show you're interested.
You do like to push buttons. Why is that?
Hey labug, thanks for the reply.
Anger mgmt said that I need to excuse myself from the situation when I'm getting mad, or focus on what they said was right in the sitch, and say "you know what, you are right." Even when I don't want to. Be empathetic and use "I" statements and not "you" statements. As in "I am getting defensive. Maybe it's best if I remove myself so that I can calm down." Instead of "you are making me defensive. You need to stop talking to me that way" etc.
DB coach also said it's a good time to go take a shower, use the bathroom etc.
I push buttons because I'm hurting, and I want to make the other person feel my pain by hurting them. It's the biggest thing I am working on in anger mgmt and alongside my DB Coach. I do not deal well with being let down, and when I feel let down, I get my feelings hurt. That's when the tide turns and I want the other person to hurt as well, so that they don't hurt me again.
It's a really really really toxic way of dealing with things. It's horrible even. That's why I've set out to fix it.
Last edited by LongRoad06; 05/23/1403:18 PM.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
For any vets out there - when are you able to trust what they say and do? He's telling me a lot of things, but I'm not sure how I can get back to the point that I believe what he's saying and doing. Even his actions - he wants to hang out with me and does, but what's his angle? What's his motive for hanging out with me if he wants a D, when he can go and hang out with his friends instead?
You can trust whenever you decide to trust.
This seems more of a You issue than a Him issue.
Have you read the livestrong stuff on detaching? It's a good place to start unless you feel you have a handle on that piece.
Enjoy what's happening (if it's enjoyable) and don't worry about what his motive might be. Have no expectations and stop the attempts to mind-read.
You can do this.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
It's a really really really toxic way of dealing with things. It's horrible even. That's why I've set out to fix it.
Yes, it is. I lived my much of my life that way and it leads to a lot of pain.
I read some of your early posts from the last time you were here. Why do you want to save this marriage? I ask out of true curiosity. I was asked the same thing early on in my sitch and it was a wonderful question for reflection.
There have been multiple problems in your R and you don't have a lot of good to say about H(of course, I just skimmed, I may have missed something)so what makes you want to save this?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
When you get better and out of the fog, and heal yourself, you'll better understand what kind of R you have with H. At that time you may decide it's so unhealthy you need to be separated for you and kids to grow and get healthy.
There have been multiple problems in your R and you don't have a lot of good to say about H
Good things to think about. He's a good person underneath all the issues he has. I love that person. I don't like the person he is now. If he doesn't start to fix his issues, I will no longer want to save anything. The good thing about that, is he has time on his side, as I have a ways to go on mine.
The side of me that is toxic is also the side that can't say a lot of nice things about people. H is thoughtful and caring, is a superb father, and we have a lot of similar interests. He's a strong independent guy. He's a hard worker at his job, and I really admire that in him.
I do not like him right now. I love him, but I do not like this side of him. Not at all.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
I think all this GALing has made me sick. I was running a bad fever yesterday. Today, no fever, but my throat hurts.
Question for the board and those who have dealt who have spouses with toxic friends: how do you keep yourself away from them?
After reflecting a lot on it, H has a LOT of toxic relationships. Guys who cheat on their wives, guys who say they are staying until the kids are 18 then leaving, guys who are chauvinistic jerks to the point they force their wives not to work when the wife wants to work, his mother who is an evil person, etc.
How in the world, if we were to stay together, do I separate myself from that? I mean, I want no part of them any longer. They all support being sneaky, lying, and all around I do not see them as good people. H does because of course they support anything and everything he does, to include being a financial idiot. They are enablers who have all chipped in so he could go on trips he couldn't afford, bail him out in money situations etc. etc. They all have the money to do it, so why not right?
I really would never care to see any of them again. H will have to see for himself that they are good or bad, and make a decision based on that. He's known them since he was young, so I deep down, I don't see that happening. I just need to know how I can avoid ever dealing with them again. Obviously, if the D goes through, I don't have to worry about it. However if it doesn't...it would create huge arguments if I refused to engage in any sort of interaction with those people.
Then there's this development, which really screwed up things.
A friend of mine I go to for male advice apparently sent H an email and felt that "as a friend of [LongRoad06] and as a Christian, I feel I need to send this." This is a coworker at my part time job, is older than H, was divorced about the same age as H will be if this goes through, etc. He told him he thinks he was making a big mistake, but that if H goes through with this, all the better for him because he has pretty deep feelings for me. That said, he told H he was pushing for us to stay together (he was a pastor in a former life - so says the Bible says men and women should not divorce.) He added that I haven't ever acted like I see him as more than a friend and father figure. It was long, and I was mortified. I had been hanging out with friend in group settings, and H knew everyone there when I was out GALing, but has never met this person.
He asked H not to forward the email to me. H of course did, and said "see how you lead guys on?" I calmly told him to re-read the portion where said friend said I was so hung up on H I wasn't able to see him as more than a friend, and never had. He was ticked I was hanging out with this guy, even in a group setting. I never knew the guy had feelings for me. He has never hit on me, never told me I was better off without H, and has acted more like a father than anything else. The only issue I have, is that when he found out H and I had ML, he told me I was losing my self respect by doing that, and that H was just using me as I was convenient. I didn't appreciate that to say the least. He went on to say we should not talk or hang out until the D is final.
I wish he wouldn't have sent that. H now has a vendetta against this guy. H keeps telling all his "friends" that this will all be final June 23, but has yet to draw up paperwork, schedule a court date, etc. He has been going out of his way to help around the house; when I was sick he was getting me tea and advil, took the baby so I could take a nap and general things like you'd hope a spouse would do for you around the house when you were sick.
I know I'm forgetting some things as it's been a while since I've posted. As I remember, I will make another post under this one.
Still don't know where this is going, and now it seems like a mess after said email. That said, continuing on the GAL front, and excited about a lot of changes going in to the house. It's finally beginning to feel like a "home" versus a house that I live in. I have put pictures on the walls, doing the patio, did the flowerbeds, planning on painting, got an actual bed versus a mattress on a metal frame for the master, and a few other small things that just add up to making it a "home."
Tonight is anger management. I was going to go out, but lymph nodes still hurt and throat is on fire, so calling it an early night.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
