Thank you for taking the time to do that. I truly appreciate additional points of view.
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When you write about asking her to place her hand in yours and she asks why and eventually reluctantly gives in, or you patting her bum and she doesnt say anything, it doesnt seem like a man putting the moves on his W. It seems like very calculated ways for you to get the physical touch you need regardless of what she wants.
It appears disrespectful of her and her feelings.
The bum touch was a one time thing. What you failed to mention, or didn't notice, is that there are times (semi regular) when I brush W's hair, and massage her head and neck, that she enjoys and even sometimes thanks me for. I am attempting to build on this, in a positive, non-threating manner. It's not all me attempting to have my needs met against her will.
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What i dont think you understand...when you have been violated, sex takes on a very different look and feel than for someone who hasnt been violated. It isnt always beautiful or fun. Sometimes, its ugly. Sometimes any sort of touch at all feels like a violation all over again.
Right. And from what I've learned, it is not easy to get past this, and can require therapy with a qualified person.
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As to Jack's comment. Jack does not believe in taking anyone's hope, regardless of his opinion of the situation. The post he wrote saying that, was 8 years after his reconciliation. After a very life changing situation. That made him appreciate his W more than he did before. Prior to their reconciliation, Jack did give up. He had reached his limit. And when his W wanted to come back, he was angry about it. Its in a thread around here somewhere. He is happy and grateful he left the door cracked however it took him time and going through the steps to get there. He will never just say dont quit, stand forever at all costs.
I did not know Jack "gave up". (your words) But this doesn't matter. Having a new and improved M does not require that one or both partners give up, or leave the home or M, or file for D etc. It can happen within the M, while partners are still partially connected. This is the hope I like to focus on, not only in my sitch, but in others.
To me, just still living together offers great hope!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
