Hi Fy, I just wanted to say that I can see, like myself, you love your wife very much. I also take my vows seriously as almost everyone I see on these boards does. Not so much the general public as when I look at all my W's new friends, most have been married more than once or are divorced. They tell my W all the time that because she wants out of her M and I don't, that I will do "horrible" things! So, now just wanting to work on a 20 year marriage means I must be an awful person? Loving my W even though she is going through a bad period of not being sure what she wants makes me the kind of person who will do hurtful things? How has it become that the S that says they will always love their W (or H) is now seen as suspect, must be up to no good?
I tried to back my W in every way thru-out our entire M. If she wanted to try something new I was her biggest cheerleader. I never tried to stop her from doing anything that she felt she wanted or needed to do but now, when I say I don't think D is the answer, others tell her I'm selfish or must want something from her.
You are much better off than most here as at least you and your W have some kind of decent relationship. What I wouldn't give to do many of the things you do together. It seems to me that my W would like to do many of those things but is constantly being told not to by the very people she thinks care about her but don't have a clue. People who have never had someone in their lives who love or care enough about them to do the things we do every day for our W's even when we get so little back from them. Maybe it's because of the society we seem to live in today. The "all about me", "what's in it for me", thought process everyone seems to have about every part of their lives. Anyone doing something purely because we love and care about another person, putting our needs or wants on hold is viewed as manipulative or suspect.
I too have had to go through a long "no sex" period with my W. The difference is, after B-day, my W has told me that it's not sex that is the problem, it's me. That is a very hurtful thing to hear from a person you have loved for 25 years! For the longest time it seemed that my W would say hurtful things just to see if she could drive me away. It didn't work but now she wants to believe I must really secretly be wanting to hurt her. To get back at her for all the hurtful things she has said and done because that is all she hears from others, the attitude she sees everywhere around her.
I wish you the best FY. Us standing H's are hard to find and everyone of us on these boards are good men who take our vows seriously and if all people took them as seriously as we do (and they should be) we wouldn't have the D rate or so many long, good marriages ending in so much pain for everyone involved. We have to remember that everyone we see here on these boards are the good ones. The ones who are trying, each in their own way too keep their vows. If only there were more of us out there!
