Your W was sexually abused as a child. And she told you she does not want you to touch her. That hasnt changed as far as you have posted.
I dont believe you are in a SSM. What you describe is the honeymoon phase that settled into a more comfortable relationship as your M matured. And then her crisis started.
You may have different drive levels but i dont get the impression that it was ever sex starved until around bomb time.
When you write about asking her to place her hand in yours and she asks why and eventually reluctantly gives in, or you patting her bum and she doesnt say anything, it doesnt seem like a man putting the moves on his W. It seems like very calculated ways for you to get the physical touch you need regardless of what she wants.
It appears disrespectful of her and her feelings.
What i dont think you understand...when you have been violated, sex takes on a very different look and feel than for someone who hasnt been violated. It isnt always beautiful or fun. Sometimes, its ugly. Sometimes any sort of touch at all feels like a violation all over again.
And its actually very easy to simply not be interested in it. No matter how good other areas of a relationship might be. No matter how high or low your drive may be.
As to Jack's comment. Jack does not believe in taking anyone's hope, regardless of his opinion of the situation. The post he wrote saying that, was 8 years after his reconciliation. After a very life changing situation. That made him appreciate his W more than he did before. Prior to their reconciliation, Jack did give up. He had reached his limit. And when his W wanted to come back, he was angry about it. Its in a thread around here somewhere. He is happy and grateful he left the door cracked however it took him time and going through the steps to get there. He will never just say dont quit, stand forever at all costs.
Do i think you have lost yourself?
I see a man who loves his W. A man who is waiting for the situation to get better. Who wants and needs a physical relationship with his wife. I see two years of posts talking about expressing your needs soon. About not being sure how long you can hold out. And then you tell Mach you havent talked about it because you know her answer hasnt changed.
You have a friendly relationship with your W. This may be as good as it ever gets. You really need to decide if you can be married as it is now. Are you willing to let go of the physical part of your relationship forever? If you are, then go have a wonderful M. And let go of the frustrations and expectations.
If you cant live like this forever and that is something that you know for sure, then you are in danger of selling yourself for the M. Only you know when enough is enough.
I would like to see you develop some respect for your W and her wishes. If she wants you to touch her, she will iniate it eventually.
When I get all "touch me not", my BF backs off. And I always come back to him. And it takes less time than when i feel pressured to respond to his advances.
JMO.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox