I feel like all my goals, dreams, plans have gone up in a puff of smoke.
Like I don't have the energy or confidence to start over.
I feel shame because I love too deep and it ends up hurting me in the end (codependence). I invest so much in my relationships that they become my definition. I always tell myself I'm a family guy. I pay the bills, protect the family from harm, make quick decisions and I'm the "rock" of stability. I don't go out and party, I don't cheat, and I'm a Christian. I'm also an excellent employee.
I'm scared that I will never be able to not try to control my life. Not being in control scares the hell out of me because I've had some things happen in my life that I never thought I would survive that have scarred me deeply. Control has become my safety net.
I don't trust in my ability to handle whatever life throws at me. It's easier to control life.
GAL is a challenge for me because up till now, my family was my GAL. Going out and meeting new people is out of my comfort zone, I can be an introvert around people I don't know.
I'm the classic "good guy". I avoid confrontation with most people but can fight with the best of them when it comes to my relationship.
So what's the common denominator? FEAR FEAR FEAR. Fear rules my life.
I'm sick and tired of living in fear. I want to be a free spirit. A man that follow his own journey and tackle problems as they come.
