Dealing with an ongoing affair

[PeterV2]

We had a bit of a melt down tonight. Started out as a quiet conversation and then evolved into an all out psychoanalytical cage match bringing up old hurts, reasons for the degradation of our marriage, questions of can this ever be fixed, money problems, etc. We ended on a fairly good note but it was tiring. W is tired. Has been her whole life (she claims). Just wants peace. I wished her peace. I'm tired. I need peace too.

[Thornton]

Sorry to hear about the rough night Peter. What can you take from this? Was there something said that set the tone for this conversation? Learn from this so you know how to act the next time something like this happens.

[PeterV2]

One thing she said last night was that she told me how unhappy she was a year ago or more. And kept telling me. But I didn't know what to do at the time. She said she's not a bad communicator. But I still didn't know what to do to reverse the downward spiral.

[sandi2]

Did she tell you back then how unhappy and tired she was?

There is a book by the title of worn out woman. It could be a subpliment read for walk away woman. I bought a used copy from amazonm, which was cheap (i was buying a lot of books back then), and it's not very thick. I think it might help you understand her better (about feeling so tired). I haven't read it in years, but it sure described me to a tee back then.

[PeterV2]

She had no childhood really. Sexually assaulted at 5. Parentified by a victim-mentality mother having to take care of 2 siblings and divorced mum for her whole childhood. Assaulted again at 12. Never could tell anyone because she would be blamed and shamed and dishonoured. Married to get away from family - ended up being a wife-beating drunkard who couldn't hold a job. She left him when her D was just a baby, but he continued to stalk and assault her for 10 years. Finally got free and ended up with another alcoholic for 4 years (not married). When daughter was 17 I met her and she thought I was her sanctuary - I thought I was too. But I was going through a messy divorce and that wasn't really fair to put her through all my turmoil at the time. But we eventually married after 4 years of dating. I thought we were both happy, but when we bought our house together about 9 months after marrying she went into a major depressive disorder, complex PTSD and left her job. She kept busy around the house - there was lots to do, and I became obsessively busy. She wanted to spend more time with me but I kept adding stuff to my plate. Then I sold my 3 rental properties and we bought the retirement home. She now says she feels she was pressured into the purchase. She had to suddenly run a business and I guess I wasn't helping her enough. Eventually she had enough of my busyness and walked away. I am now calmer, a lot less busy. Now she begrudges my free time, but I'm keeping that open for her. But she is feeling very tired.

She came by today and brought me lunch. We had a pleasant talk and did some admin work for the RH in my office. She left to go back to work at the RH. I went to see a client and had dinner out by myself. She called and asked if I could bring her something so I brought her dinner she ate at the RH and we had a couple of glasses of wine and talked - pleasant stuff, and some laughs.
I guess she had a chance to think about what I had said last night about me feeling constantly criticized which caused me to withdraw and that the only positive reinforcement I got from her was for my accomplishments in business so that's why I just busied myself more & more. Today she said that I was a good father, in spite her earlier criticisms to the contrary. She saw that her criticisms of me were taken more harshly than intended as I had previously endure severe criticism from both my mother and my previous wife - so it was a tender spot for me. So she is starting to look at things from my perspective, which is a good sign.
Man this is indeed a roller coaster ride.
I'll check out that book. Thanks Sandi.

[sandi2]

She had to suddenly run a business and I guess I wasn't helping her enough. Eventually she had enough of my busyness and walked away. I am now calmer, a lot less busy. Now she begrudges my free time, but I'm keeping that open for her. But she is feeling very tired.

Okay, well it makes sense now, knowing the back story.

That book is the worn out woman (when life is full and the spirit is empty) by Stephen and Gray.

[sandi2]

Same writers wrote the walk out woman, which is good too.

[PeterV2]

Sandi, I order the Worn Out Woman book. Thanks for the recommendation.
I'm just playing it cool. She's the one who calls and sends texts. I'm pleasant and charming when she does. We usually have a couple of laughs too. She said she's going to book a session with our MC. It was on her to do list today. I told her that's a good idea. Man, I'm dealing with a skittish squirrel here.

[sandi2]

Yes, you are. It makes me think of how I was. I was so exhausted from years of stress (health, finances, job related, and family) and so depressed over the state of my M. I went into a type of crises mode that I believe is similar to MLC. And since you told about your W's past experiences, I can see it more clearly.

You know, when people get into that mental & physical condition where they can't get a sense of relief from their emptiness or unhappiness, they start looking for some kind of way to escape. Folks take various forms of outlet to escape their circumstance, often having very unhealthy and painful results.

Glad you ordered the book. I hope it helps.

[PeterV2]

I'm reading it now. I took the stress test on my W's behalf and she is in the "Severe - get help now!" class.
She spent some time with her mum today which was not smooth - she was quite upset when I went to pick her up later. I took her to a comedy show and dinner afterwards. She unloaded on me about her mum and I took it all in without trying to fix it - just empathizing. She said it helped. The comedy show also helped.