4th Down And Getting A Little Anxious

[Georgiabelle]

Had IC this am after a nice holiday weekend with my little people. C noted that I seemed different this visit- like I was happier and moving forward. After discussing stuff I've been doing (kickboxing, reading more, etc), she asked about my communication with h. I said, " I'm pleasant when I see him and communication is minimal-primarily texts." She asked what I would like to say to him and I said, "nothing." She asked again and I said, "I really have nothing to say at this time."

I'm so happy I found this site so early after BD. If you follow my sitch, I was shocked to see my h's behavior change. It was truly bizarre. After a couple of weeks, I saw a somewhat positive change in our dynamic so I thought my time was short here. I would be different:). How arrogant and wrong of me!

My h and I shared a wicked sense of humor. Somewhat dark and sarcastic. However, there has always been one big difference. I'm a glass half full person/life is good person while h is a glass half empty/life s$&ks guy. This is an honest observation and pointed out by many outsiders. I bring this up because nothing I do or say is funny to my h now. Nada. Zilch. In the past, we would laugh at funny one liners. One thing I've learned from dbing is to not react. Yes, I've had a couple of slip ups. Overall, I'm happy that I haven't responded or reacted to what he says unless it requires a response. I've also learned that although I know h is lying and some of the things he says are absolutely ridiculous, I feel better not responding or reacting. It feels counter intuitive (because I may want to say " you are lying!"), however reacting does not make me feel better. I shared some of this with IC and told her it's fine that I know stuff, but throwing it back in his face or reacting with a singer won't make me feel better or make the r better. Did I sound like a PSA? Thank you DB for helping me learn this!

I'm cycling between anger and embarrassment. It's a process. It IS difficult to try to comprehend that 6 months ago I knew our m needed some attention, although this never crossed my mind. Another lesson learned. Never say never. I also refuse to own some of the crazy stuff he says. I made mistakes in the m, however I'm not the most evil woman on the planet.

Going to dinner with a friend tomorrow night. D9 said I must be home by 10 and she will be waiting up for me. Last time I was gone for 5.5 hours and d got very upset.

I'm always sad to see newcomers to this board, but I'm grateful to be learning all that I am. Even if it was unexpected and a club I wasn't dying to join::-)