Regarding my shortcomings, things I want to change about myself:
I've frequently been insecure in my relationships. Where does that insecurity coming from? How and why do you feel that way? As a means to overcompensate, I have put on a front like it didn't care.
Early on in my relationship with WAW, I would threaten to leave her if I didn't get my way.That is a nasty way to control someone. How are you addressing this? What does that look like to you? She would go to the ends of the earth to make things better. This would inflate my ego and make me feel like I held all the power in the relationship. I was a total Ahole. Slowly I began to change my stance on things like this but the damage was done.
I also became jealous of WAW's friends and sometimes even her family. Jealousy is a outward manifestation of insecurity. It seems quite smothering if W were to spend all of her time with you...right? Then she would not have been as well rounded person as she would have liked if you kept her on a short leash.She is very family oriented and I would be hurt if she wanted to spend time with them. I was so selfish and didn't let her be who she really was. The guilt/shame I have from this is significant.
Controlling money was a big one for me. My exW wiped me out during our relationship and divorce. I was bound and determined to never let that happen again. Isn't that an unresolved fear that you've carried over into this M? What can you do to overcome this fear and let it go? I became even more controlling once we started saving for a house. I define myself as a provider, the person in the R that makes things happen. I never realized I was changing her view of me in the process.
I fell victim to many of the "alpha male" methodologies. Many of my friends believe in this stuff as a means to always be control of the relationship. I realize now, that this wasn't love. It was game playing at it's finest. It is good to see that you do recognize this!
Entitlement. ANother big one for me. When WAW went to rehab, I held the fort down. I took care of the kids while she was away for a month. It was a very painful period for me. I missed her so much and was stressed with the unknowns of a newly sober person coming back home. When she came home, I felt she owed me for toughing it out. For going through the pain with her. Scorekeeping. When you add up the scorekeeping, it is when resentment sets in. What have you thought about some of the ways you can curb your scorekeeping? Again, not unconditional love. I feel ashamed that I felt this way.
These are the things I want to do 180's on. I want to be genuine and allow myself to be vulnerable in relationships. I realize that control only ruins things.
Basically I'm a very fearful person. Not exactly an attractive quality.
I plan on working on these things with my therapist. To believe in myself, to be confident, to not fear life's hills and valleys. And to allow my WAW (or whoever I end up with) to be free to choice their paths. Again, this is scary territory for me. What if they realize life is better without me? Find someone better than me? Very unhealthy thinking.
I know this is going to be a long and probably painful process but I want to be better. I want my partner to be proud of me.
Those are good steps that you're taking to actively address your issues. Break down these goals and really think about some of the ways you can achieve them. What actions and words will you be changing to reflect the "newer, improved" Thornton?
First and foremost, you want to BE PROUD of yourself. That is the most important step in DBing. If you are not proud of yourself, then how can you expect your partner to be proud of you?
