We can never completely understand the feelings of another.
Keep that in the forefront of your mind and it might keep you from stepping in those holes. Really listen when she talks, don't worry about what your response is going to be, just listen. Then if a response is called for, do it but think about where you're responding from.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Really listen when she talks, don't worry about what your response is going to be, just listen.
The bold print is obviously important, but what I quoted above jumped out at me even more.
It's funny when I think about it, but my wife's and my relationship really seems to have traveled full-circle. What I mean is, before we were a couple we used to hang out regularly as friends. She and I would often go out to eat and to bars with a couple that were mutual friends of ours. The four of us would always have a ton of fun, and on the nights when we went out drinking she and I would stay over at the couple's house. We'd always sleep together in the same bed in the couple's guest room, but we never had sex or even fooled around. Just friends...except...everyone else always thought we were a couple and would always tell us how cute we were together, and we would have to set them straight and explain to them...just friends.
Eventually though, I realized I was starting to like W as more than just a friend and that if those feelings weren't reciprocated we would have to dial back some of the stuff like sleeping together because it was making it too hard for me to keep my feelings in check. I remember the first time I decided to sleep on our friends' couch instead of in the guest room with W, W got almost kind of angry. I mean, she understood where I was coming from, but she was not happy that she was losing her "snuggle buddy" and that the nature of our friendship was clearly changing.
It wasn't until a couple of weeks after I started to back off a little bit that W told me one night when we were all out together again that she wanted to give "us" a try and see what happened. And the rest is history...
So the reason I say our relationship has come full circle is because in a way I feel like we're right back in that place again where everyone looks at us and sees these two people who seem to make such a great couple, and I realize I have feelings for W that aren't reciprocated, and it makes me wonder... How healthy is it for me to continue doing this, and for how long? At what point might it actually become detrimental to my emotional health to be in this position, even with all of the GAL that I do to sustain me?
And the bigger question that seems to be creeping in... Will W ever have a change of heart if we continue on this way? Would she have ever been willing to give "us" a try back when we were just friends if she hadn't seen that I was ready to walk away? Will she ever be willing to give us a try now if she doesn't see the same thing now? And how long will it be healthy for me to continue on this way? We had such a great weekend with friends and neighbors these past couple of days, and they all kept remarking how great it's been lately hanging out with the Stumps. And it has been great. Truly. But what's getting difficult for me is seeing the love and affection that everyone else gets from W, but that I am becoming more keenly aware of is missing for me.
That's what I want in my life. And I have ways to make up for it...I'm getting good at giving it to myself, and my kids are an endless source of love, and my friends support me as much as they can. But there's that thing that's missing that I feel toward W that I guess she just doesn't feel toward me, at least not right now... And I hate to admit it, but the lack of reciprocation is giving rise to this feeling in me of just wanting to run away...but then, the thought of not having W in my life as my W is almost unbearable. Although in that regard at least, I do know this...if, god forbid, we don't pull this together, this DBing has helped and is continuing to helpe make myself into such a happier, healthier, stronger person than I've been in such a long time...probably not since the early days of my marriage. And if W and I get divorced, I have learned and continue to learn things that will make me a bad-@ss partner for someone else if that's what life has in store for me.
But as it is, we're lying here in bed together, reading "the paper" on our phones after another fun weekend together with friends and family, W just brought me coffee in bed "to return the favor" because I've been bringing it to her most mornings, and she just asked me to give her a foot and back massage before I start work for the day... And all part of me can think is "how can she want to bring this to an end?" It just feels so right to me...like, this is how it was meant to be. Is there a flaw in that thinking? It seems like there must be.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
My values? Well... I don't know how well I can judge myself. But I can say that I've had opportunities to cheat during this marriage (not sure if this is what you're getting at or not) and have never been interested. Flattered maybe, but I've never been that type of guy. And quite frankly, literally up until the day my W said she wanted a divorce our sex life was great. Never had a cause to stray or want to stray from that perspective. Now of course it's non-existant. But there wasn't a slow decline or anything. We went from bunnies to monks in a day. Actually talked to W about that. She said that despite how unhappy she was with the other aspects of the marriage, that part of it was always good so that's what she held on to as long as she could even as everything else was falling apart.
I guess as far as my values go, and what W and I have talked about is openness and honesty, and if you can't be open and honest about something then you have an answer to the questions like "is this right?" "Is this ok?" "should I do this?"
Work on this a little more, stumps. Values are who you are at your core. Sort of your personal internal boundaries. Values are the framework for character and I'm sure you've heard the saying, 'Character is what you do when no one is looking.'
Being unsure about your values can lead to being tossed about on the waves like a boat without a captain.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Values are the framework for character and I'm sure you've heard the saying, 'Character is what you do when no one is looking.'
labug, have heard this before but it was a nice reminder.
Stumps, have followed your situation a bit and you are getting good advice and commentary from labug and MrCAS.
I think some of the conflicting thoughts/feelings are very normal and you can work your way thru them.
All in all, things sound like they are going as well as they can given the circumstances. I know that you want more bu remember to be patient when trying to feel the squirrel.
Stay strong!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Where do you want to be right now, today? Who do you want to be right now, today?
Assuming these are rhetorical questions with (perhaps) somewhat more abstract answers, but I'm going to answer them anyway with somewhat concrete answers...
Right now, today, I want to be right where I am--In this house, with my kids and my wife.
Who I want to be right now, today, is not simply a father and husband but also the person I have been slowly but surely becoming over the past couple of months...kinder, gentler, stronger (physically and mentally), more open to the world around me, and more compassionate.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Being unsure about your values can lead to being tossed about on the waves like a boat without a captain.
I guess I've never really thought about about my values in terms of an answer to the question "What are they?".
And now that I do think about them, they almost seem trite... But, having given it some consideration, and acknowledging that I've often fallen short, if I had to give an answer the short list would be Honesty, Fidelity, Kindness, Respect, and Compassion... and not just toward others but toward myself as well. Honesty and Fidelity have never been too much of an issue, but I can't say I haven't struggled with the others at times.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
I think some of the conflicting thoughts/feelings are very normal and you can work your way thru them.
All in all, things sound like they are going as well as they can given the circumstances. I know that you want more bu remember to be patient when trying to feel the squirrel.
Stay strong!
Appreciate this a ton... and on one level I know that I should feel fortunate for how well things are going all things considered. I guess what some of it boils down to is the fear that things are going so well because W is keeping things as pleasant as she can until we run out the clock on our lease and then we go our separate ways. There has been a small, nagging part of me that I don't want to give in to that says "well if that's what's going on maybe we should just part ways now".
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Had insomnia last night and feel like I ended up wrestling with this all night...I'm not sure I want to do "this" anymore. Not talking about the 180s and GAL, those are for life for sure. They have made such a huge, positive difference in my life that I wouldn't dream of stopping them now.
But a voice in my head keeps telling me it's time to go.
God... Am I becoming a WAS?
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
