I am so sorry to have touched a nerve with you. That was never my intent. I have nothing but respect for the things you stand for. I also know that you stood through a lot of horrible stuff in your M. This to me, shows how serious you take your vows, and your love for your spouse. Something I aspire to! You have been kind enough to challenge me and help me get to where I am today… which is a pretty good place. For this I am very grateful.
My issue with the M vows is that they are absolute. Literally, we are vowing to stand by our spouse through everything… forever, when obviously sometimes there is no way we could. Am I the only one who struggles with this?
One of the reasons I like this board is because of the hope people here have for saving their M. Michele teaches us to leave no stone unturned, have no regrets, etc. I like that. A lot. People on other boards advised me to bail on my W long ago, but not people here.
I am here to help others have the hope I have.
Last edited by ForeverYoung; 05/27/1403:34 PM.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Did you mean this (bolded) with the insult and disrespect that it comes across with ?????
I gotta say, that I was insulted by this statement from you..
And I am not sure if you were directing this at UR or not, yet I will say that it came through as you lashing out directly to her....
Mach, thanks for asking instead of assuming.
While my question about "what vows mean to you" was not directed at anyone in particular, I can see how it looked that way, and could be considered disrespectful. Just another thing to add to my list of issues to work on.
I apologize that my words left you feeling insulted.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I dont post to you because honestly, reading your posts often turns my stomach. For me i feel like i am watching a snake waiting for the right time to strike when reading about your interactions with your W.
Care to explain?
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And one last thing, I happen to be very close personal friends with Mr. 3beans. You are taking one line in one of his thousands of posts a bit out of context.
Cat, you obviously know Jack way better than I do, but I believe that "If your spouse is worth it, don't give up on them" stands on it's own. I still believe my W is worth it.
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Jack, didnt stand at the expense of himself. He understood the difference. UR understands the difference. Do you?
Do you see that I have lost myself? Or have reason to believe I will?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I think you opened your big mouth and said something really stupid when I first read your comment yesterday.
It wasn't the first time, and won't be the last!
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I am in agreement that uRW asked very valid questions in order to get you to dig deep on the merits of standing.
Agreed. It's a good thing. Thank you, UR.
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When will it be far enough at your own expense?
Like UR tells us, we won't know until we get there, and then there will be no question.
Sometimes, I get the feeling that it is almost assumed around here that we all will stop standing and move on one day, to save ourselves. It seems to me like that's what eventually happens in the majority of these situations. So maybe the guidance is skewed that way? Maybe it's just me?
Sometimes, the only thing I know for sure is that I just don't know!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Did you mean this (bolded) with the insult and disrespect that it comes across with ?????
I gotta say, that I was insulted by this statement from you..
And I am not sure if you were directing this at UR or not, yet I will say that it came through as you lashing out directly to her....
Mach, thanks for asking instead of assuming.
While my question about "what vows mean to you" was not directed at anyone in particular, I can see how it looked that way, and could be considered disrespectful. Just another thing to add to my list of issues to work on.
I apologize that my words left you feeling insulted.
To explain this a little more.....
And just so that you understand where I am coming from..
I KNOW what her vows mean to her, because I was there with her when she was backed against them...
I KNOW, because of the thousands of texts, emails, posts, and phone calls with her....no to mention the face-to-face chats we have had.
And now, maybe you can see how your poor choice of words was just as insulting to me (and Cat, cause she walked that path with UR too), as they were to UR....
I STILL live my Vows, and I have been Divorced for three years now. I still love my X, just in a different way. I STILL honor her, by letting her go to find her happiness, even if that is not with me, and I honor her choices to find that happiness. I STILL Cherish her, what we had, what we built, and the memories that she gave to me....
And I have felt that guilt, because I wasn't able to see that when times were good, I had to wait until times were bad to recognize it...
And I KNOW, that UR feels, and lives the same way (forgive me for posting for you Darlin)...
I also understand where Cat is coming from too....
Your vows, and the way that you are living now , seem to be tied to HER sexual responses, or lacktherof....
And that is YOUR choice to make, yet you seem to bitch about it a whole lot for someone who is so accepting of your vows....
And if that is your choice, then you will supported in any way possible, yet the beauty of this place, is that you will also be challenged with your choices. So that every possible scenario is played out with your thoughts and feelings...
And it seems to me, that accepting your vows, is about accepting the person that she is now..
And from reading you, YOU do not seem comfortable with that...
Now, I don't really want this to turn into something that doesn't need to be here...
I just want you to understand why I am a tad bit protective.....
But, maybe all this hubbub (how defensive you were with Ur) means it's time in your journey to reevaluate your position? Time to take inventory, as it were?
Maybe the stuff coming up on the boards is really just a symptom of some stirrings in your heart...some questions you may be having yourself?
I know, Heather. I've been talking about taking a break from the alt (mostly) and here. It's like a secret life that I can't share with my W. Not a great thing to help us build something new together, I figure.
Others here have taken a break and it seemed to have helped them. Maybe it's time, but I know from experience it's hard for me to pull back. I do like to help others. (and have fun!)
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I know you love her. Sometimes, though, your posts come off as really dreamy and a little unrealistic??
The song is nice, but does it really reflect the relationship you have NOW? Seems like a fantasy more than the current reality.
When I read your posts, SOMETIMES--not all, but sometimes, I think how I would feel pressure (as your W) just because of HOW MUCH you want her. Not through your actions, but just the fact that you feel all this desire and wanting and so forth.
She has to sense how much you want this relationship to work. What if that's the thing that keeps her at a distance?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Mach, Yes, 2 plus years of no sex with my W does make me feel uncomfortable. I think it is unfair and completely inaccurate of you to say I bitch about it though. Maybe recheck my posts regarding that accusation.
I do focus on it though, who wouldn’t? If you look at the SSM board there are others in my situation… content with everything in the M but the lack of sex. So OF COURSE we would focus on that. I like to do it in a positive, let’s see what works manner. If you have been following along then you would have noticed that W is not only still here, but slowly getting more comfortable around me. We both know this stuff takes time... and at least for now, I'm planning to be around long enough to see this change.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Mach, Yes, 2 plus years of no sex with my W does make me feel uncomfortable. I think it is unfair and completely inaccurate of you to say I bitch about it though. Maybe recheck my posts regarding that accusation.
I have....
Just cause I don't post to you often, doesn't mean that I don't read...
Would you prefer it if I said that you whined, instead of bitched ???
Mach, Yes, 2 plus years of no sex with my W does make me feel uncomfortable. I think it is unfair and completely inaccurate of you to say I bitch about it though. Maybe recheck my posts regarding that accusation.
I have....
Just cause I don't post to you often, doesn't mean that I don't read...
Would you prefer it if I said that you whined, instead of bitched ???
Whine, bitch, moan, whatever the semantics is being used here...what I am seeing is that you are invalidating FY's frustrations with living in a sexless M for 2 long years. He is within his prerogative to express his wish for a more intimate M relationship that includes sexual relations.
FY is charting progress or lack of progress here as a means to keep him focused on how far things have come in his sitch.
I think it is grossly unfair to come down hard on FY with this. Jeez, I personally wouldn't be able to endure a sexless M for a long duration. Isn't that what two people come together in a marriage...to unite in love and be united in a sexual unison as partners.
From my view, it is patently clear to me that FY truly does love his W. It is outrageous to suggest that FY is using a sex yardstick in standing for his M. That is NOT the case at all from his threads.
To demean and degrade FY's innermost desire to have an intimate and passionate sexual R with his own W once again as just "sex" is just awful.
