choosing door #2 - next part in my journey

[Georgiabelle]

TL,

You did fabulous as I thought you would. Hope you are okay now. Btw, I told h he could keep the one dog he wanted for a couple of weeks. He brought it back after a week. Probably too much responsibility:)

[TL72*]

Thanks cc, LN and GB
My instincts tell me he was checking up on me. He loves the dogs but he spends about 5 minutes with them and the rest of the time watching tv lol. could just be lonely. I did ok afterward - no tears, no anything really - I literally just went on with my day like normal, I think I'm finally detaching better. He emailed today because the health insurance still shows "active" even though I cancelled it. I had to call my benefits department and they're submitting a ticket to resolve it. Apparently he can't get his new insurance turned on until the old one is turned off. He apologized for the hassle - which is new, he never apologizes for anything. It was suggested to me that next time (if there is a next time) he wants to come over to visit the dogs that i should let him in and then leave for an errand and let him visit the dogs. then come back when it's time for him to leave. That way he could be clear on the fact that he's visiting the dogs and if he wants to visit ME he would have to say so or ask. what are your thoughts on this? If he truly wants to visit the dogs, I don't want to stop him, they were our kids and if it were me i'd want to visit my dogs for sure. I'm not sure I trust him in the house alone though, not that he would steal, but probably snoop. I have nothing to hide, I would take the laptop and cell phone with me of course but still not sure. I could just go outside and do yardwork while he's inside. I was trying to be a friend to him, although I don't ask any questions, I let him start the conversations. we only talked about the weather, the dogs, and tv shows we both watch. GB I know it's not funny about your H bringing the dog back already but it is sort of is. not really haha funny but just rolling your eyes kinda funny. somewhat expected even though we aren't supposed to have expectations. It was super nice of you to let him have the dog, at least that way he brought him back and saw for himself that you were willing to give and that he just couldn't handle it. If you had said no it would have just been another reason for him to blame you for something. I'm glad mine didn't ask to take any pets.

[NotAgainPlease]

TL72.

you're sick sounds a lot like mine the first time. We did not end up getting a divorce but he did file. He was dating someone else separated so he was supposedly in love with. Once I started dating and somewhat ignoring him which in our world is a day or two lol for both of us. He started coming around calling texting hanging around the house more to see the kids. And eventually we got back together. Which was great but a big mistake because nothing was resolved from a7 month separation. And we're here again.
I do have to say this time when we did the online divorce and he thought it was done that's when he became very chatty and called, texted, came by a lot.
the night we did the divorce online he was very affectionate and wanted to ml. And dumb me I gave in. I also didn't know he was still with OW and he thought I was dating.
I believe they do start to think different when that pressure is off. But very merky waters to maneuver!

I could not see if there was OW in your sitch?

I was also wondering if you knew, how many women are here they actually want to reconcile? Or are they just trying to heal?I know the whole idea is to heal but I just wondered how many actually want to hang in there. It seems easier just to move on and find someone else or be alone :-)

[NotAgainPlease]

Lol I just saw auto correct changed sitch to stitch and sick.

[TL72*]

Hey notagainplease
sounds like your H didn't fully bake in his MLC!
I'm sorry that you're here again.
Yeah on the OW question - I snooped in the beginning and found evidence of texting, it was an EA I believe. He of course denied anything. He did admit to a coworker hitting on him bigtime and that he almost didn't come home one night. Being married was holding him back you see, his morals.... being divorced freed him up to pursue that I think. or allow him to fool around. I stopped snooping because it only hurt me more. Now I don't care, let him get that out of his system and see that the grass is greener where you water it! I understand why ML with him, you're his wife and it's hard to detach. I allowed it every night until he moved out. He has not touched me since, no hug nothing. His loss. I think a lot of women here want to reconcile. It takes years though, I'm still open to it, however I'm discovering that there are other men out there who are interested and they are interesting! So I'm making new friends, but keeping the door ajar to ex if he ever decides to be "friends" and just see what happens. I am not going to sit and wait forever, I'm GAL and healing. From all the things i've read, it suggests waiting at least a year to date or start a new relationship - because you need to work on yourself first. drop off some of the baggage. a rebound relationship usually ends the same way because you haven't changed or worked on yourself first. so i continue reading and learning and just making friends. i'm discovering I enjoy my alone time too. life goes on, just keep living. I still have hope. It really is the gift of time though, if he came back tomorrow I would not be ready for all the drama. This is a good time for self discovery and preparing for whatever happens. I want to be ready - a whole person and no longer codependent or a doormat. It's definitely a process.

[LiveNow]

I'm with you, TL. If my H wanted to come back today, after almost a year, I would not be ready either. It would be a LONG road back. We are both different people now. I am still hopeful, but a little bit of that fades every day. I have left the door ajar, and the ball is in his court, but I am am carrying on. So are you TL, very admirably. I vote for TL to become a moderator. Heh heh. Moderator-in-training. You go, girl...

[TL72*]

Thanks LiveNow
I got an email from exH today thanking me for all the hard work I did when he needed an insurance certificate Monday, it was just me calling my benefits dept and someone there had dropped the ball and the health insurance showed him as still active so he couldn't get his own insurance. Anyway he thanked me Monday do for him to email me on a Saturday to thank me again and to be so nice about it was strange to me. He must not be ready to cut the cord after all this. I responded "you're welcome" to keep it short and sweet.I have not contacted him first in a few months. Oh well, he knows where I am. I'm starting to have fun now, I feel like I'm really on the brink of "freedom" or acceptance. I still think about it but not nearly as much as I did, it's been nice hanging out with friends and family now and I'm definitely feeling happier more of the time than before. Coming out of that last phase of grief. Of course it only takes one email or text to suck me back into wondering and thinking about him. Not going to let it ruin my day though! have a good weekend everyone!

[Matt165]

Hi TL.
Feeling very low today and I always feel better when I read your posts. W told me today that she has once again changed her mind and is going to file. See her father offered to pay for the lawyer and the whole process but she must file right away. Just a couple weeks ago she was in no hurry, now she is. Of course when I say I would need my own lawyer since she got advice from him and he is being paid by HER father but she said I can trust her to be fair. Up until her dad got involved she was content to just separate but now that is out the window. I'm really trying not to hate her right now and I would like to know how you haven't started hating your exH? How can you stand the way he blames all his problems on you? How he just has forgotten all the years? She tells me she doesn't want to hurt me but that is all she ever does!

Tell me how to hold back this flood of hatred and malice I'm feeling, please.

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Matt,

I just came across your post and thought TL wouldn't mind if I posted a response on her thread. I do want to hear her response as well as I'm amazed by how she deals with her sitch- and the speed of how everything came about.

My h actually told my older 2 kids (who are under 11) that I ruined his life and have been wrong about everything the last 12 years and I'll never admit it. I would be lying if I said I'm so detached I felt nothing. However, I felt a lot less than I did 5 months ago. Like everyone , I made mistakes in my marriage. I have things that I'm working on so that they are not an issue in my next R (and sometimes I wonder how I will ever have one:). That being said, that statement is absurd. However, my h has to figure out that it's absurd. I can't force him to see otherwise. Perhaps in time he will. The operative word is time.

When I first came here, I didn't understand this whole time thing. What? I have 3 kids and need my m fixed now. I also didn't realized Rs ended this way. Isn't that crazy? I thought people argued and decided to divorce. I certainly didn't know that people said " I don't want the m to work." My h said that and that was incomprehensible to me. So, I just let him be. I've never said a word about OW to him. The lies he tells or anything of the sort. It's just best to focus on yourself and the kids.

Your posts are so emotional. I can tell how deeply you care for your W and want to save your M. However, you can't control her or FIL. I know that is difficult to digest and it's true.

Let your w go. Focus on your girls. I think there are a series of feelings the LBS feels towards the WAS. I was disgusted and repulsed my h for about 2 months. I hated that feeling because I have 3 kids with him. That's what I felt though. Now, I feel rather indifferent when I see him. And I have this pervasive feeling that I wouldn't trade places with him for anything in the world. He may be having " fun" with his gf and acting like he's 21, but I have 3 gifts to watch over. He's missing so much and he can't get this time back.

Let W be. Once you really just let her go, things will seem different. Hang in there!

[TL72*]

GB I couldn't have said it better myself!!!! loved your response to Matt. It was spot on.
Matt - let her effing file. If that's what she wants and needs then let her do it, let her do all the work. When she gives you the papers, take them to your own lawyer. She already knows you don't want this, you don't have to tell her again. With my exH - he made it clear to me at BD that he wanted nothing to do with me, he was divorcing me no matter what and that it was the only thing that would "free" him. So after doing all the wrong things, I found Sandi's rules - I still read them today!!! I thought about it and you know it's not going to resolve and he was adamant about no counseling, not working on it, and I came to the logical conclusion that I had to let him go. Fighting it just hurt me more, and yeah it about killed me but you gotta keep on living - the sun will come up tomorrow. Every time something new would happen I would start to freak out inside and then remind myself "this changes nothing, he's still leaving, my sitch is still the same today as it was yesterday, stop freaking out" and I would pray, pray, pray, I still do. I literally gave it all to God. I still do. Every day I say "I put this in your hands" because he's taking away my pain, my worry, and it works. You absolutely have to let her go and stop trying to control it. It's on her. The anger and bitterness, yeah it's going to rear its ugly head. Think of it as a disease your wife has, would you be mad at her for having cancer? Also I say a special little thing EVERY day "May exH have all the good things in life that I have ever wanted for myself" I repeat it over and over every time I feel angry at least for 2 weeks in a row, never missing a day and it takes away that anger and helps you to FORGIVE. As you know I'm a big advocate for divorce support groups because it was like my "aha" moment where I got through denial and was able to move on through the other rebuilding blocks. I am so close to freedom I can taste it. He's just doing these touch and go's now and I'm feeling like you know, I'm living my own life now and I'm starting to really love it. Before I would have taken him back in a heartbeat but now I'm thinking maybe this all happened for a reason - for me to finally find myself and eventually be with someone worthy of ME. Putting myself first for a change and you will do that too - it takes time. My sitch was forced into mach speed lol - so I had to adapt quickly. At the time I did not realize how lucky I was that it rushed through, the D I mean. I still think about him and miss him sometimes but it really is getting better every day. Good things are coming your way Matt!! Hang in there.