buz 29: NO CONTROL ~ respond vs. reacting.. dates?

[makingmagic]

GM~ For the 1,000,001th time... I went another round with him yesterday. However, I got to a point... told him I was tired of circular convo's that lead back to nowhere. It lead back to him saying "i dunno".

Job ~
Have you been clear and honest w/him on what you will accept? Because it appears that you and your partner are still going round and round on the same subjects and are still stuck in the muck.

^^^^^^ and because of that statement, I took it to the limit and laid it all on the line for him last night. I told him that I am tired of our convo's that end up in the same place. I told him that I want the opportunity to "try" again. That we are worth it, etc. He felt pressured. He is interested in casual dating. I told him that I wanted commitment. He wanted time to think, so I said take a few days. I will respect and accept his decision. I told him I am not an option, but a choice. He didn't understand that comment. Said I was too "dr. phil". I told him that its a "decision" that he wants to work on us. He was anxious to leave the convo. Even admitting that he was not receptive and responsive at the moment. I told him that I was wanting to kiss him. To see where that took us. As we have been getting along, He said he wondered the same often, as well. He is really just wanting fun.

Yes... I was pushy. I don't want it to be viewed as pressurizing, but of "asking".

I called him on the phone moments after we left and said that I was hoping he could see this as an opportunity for us and asked if a few days was enough time. He said NO. I clarified that I did not mean 1-2 days. He was rushing. Then told him to enjoy his dinner with a friend.

Later in the evening... he texted me a business joke & thanked me earlier for the massage on his arm (earlier that day). He also said "sorry about the conversation" cheers.

I replied: Thats funny. Your welcome for the massage. I know you need your time, take it... but I am struggling with this right now and I don't know how much time I can give you. Hugs.

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I really hope I am finally at the end of my rope. Dropping the rope here. Letting go.

My friend pointed out that he wants to have me on HIS terms (casual dating), that Is ultimately not enough for me. I will want more!

I really need to dig deep and find my strength. To really hold out for what I want. Raise my bar!!

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Sandi.... WOW !!! Thank you. Yes.. I am relentless and its ugly! (for the most part). In business it works (not as pushy, but with determination), same as within my relationship (he saw it as attractive). Not giving up! ... I am not proud of the rest.

However, I am at the end here... "stop being relentless in trying to pressurize your XBF to reconcile the R. By now, you surely see it's not working. Or do you?" I do now.

I asked him last night if he only viewed his interest in me as attraction, he admitted that it is there for him but that he does want more as well.

When you state "People who feel a need to please or to justify their actions also try to talk their way through to reach the OP and hopefully change minds. But if I could save a few heartaches, I would tell you that my experience has been that most people have predetermined ideas and will think how they want to think. No amount of clarifying ourselves will change things. The only thing to stand any chance is our actions. In time, we prove ourselves out.......good or bad. But it is still up to the OP make their own decisions, and it may or may not be in our favor. It is not our job to change their mind."

..... this is how I feel... that I can talk my way to hopefully change their mind. I try to clarify over and over...and don't seem to be able to let go. I am really working on this!!!

As for bickering... I used to believe that a good "argument" was good. A debate to be challenged. Some people like a good debate. However, I have no use for that anymore... I would much rather be happy than right.

Now that I feel I have been clear and authentic with him (I was always too scared for him to know the truth about my position, feared that he would take advantage & see me as a pathetic sap, just waiting for him)... now I don't care. Yes, I love him and want the chance to reconcile.... but, its an opportunity that is on the table today... not forever. I don't know what date opportunities I will accept. Knowing that he just wants "fun" and I want commitment.

I will not be relentless anymore with dbf
I will not bicker
I will not use actions to punish

I will let go. He is currently selfish and confused. He wants to have me his way. He is baiting me constantly. I keep hoping that he is ready & he is not. I do not want to continue to keep disappointing myself & be hurt over and over... I will let go.

I keep hearing Starsky state "why would he want to commit, if I keep accepting mere cookies??"... TX Starsky!