Thank you Spartan. I truly feel blessed to have all of your support. The kindness of strangers pulling for me really has been monumental for me.
Regarding my shortcomings, things I want to change about myself:
I've frequently been insecure in my relationships. As a means to overcompensate, I have put on a front like it didn't care.
Early on in my relationship with WAW, I would threaten to leave her if I didn't get my way. She would go to the ends of the earth to make things better. This would inflate my ego and make me feel like I held all the power in the relationship. I was a total Ahole. Slowly I began to change my stance on things like this but the damage was done.
I also became jealous of WAW's friends and sometimes even her family. She is very family oriented and I would be hurt if she wanted to spend time with them. I was so selfish and didn't let her be who she really was. The guilt/shame I have from this is significant.
Controlling money was a big one for me. My exW wiped me out during our relationship and divorce. I was bound and determined to never let that happen again. I became even more controlling once we started saving for a house. I define myself as a provider, the person in the R that makes things happen. I never realized I was changing her view of me in the process.
I fell victim to many of the "alpha male" methodologies. Many of my friends believe in this stuff as a means to always be control of the relationship. I realize now, that this wasn't love. It was game playing at it's finest.
Entitlement. ANother big one for me. When WAW went to rehab, I held the fort down. I took care of the kids while she was away for a month. It was a very painful period for me. I missed her so much and was stressed with the unknowns of a newly sober person coming back home. When she came home, I felt she owed me for toughing it out. For going through the pain with her. Again, not unconditional love. I feel ashamed that I felt this way.
These are the things I want to do 180's on. I want to be genuine and allow myself to be vulnerable in relationships. I realize that control only ruins things.
Basically I'm a very fearful person. Not exactly an attractive quality.
I plan on working on these things with my therapist. To believe in myself, to be confident, to not fear life's hills and valleys. And to allow my WAW (or whoever I end up with) to be free to choice their paths. Again, this is scary territory for me. What if they realize life is better without me? Find someone better than me? Very unhealthy thinking.
I know this is going to be a long and probably painful process but I want to be better. I want my partner to be proud of me.
I plan on working on these things with my therapist. To believe in myself, to be confident, to not fear life's hills and valleys.
You ARE working through them already...with or without your therapist....
It's great to have that, and I encourage it for you, although YOU are the one that has to do the real work, not them...
What are you reading right now ???
What have you read already ??
Originally Posted By: Thornton
I know this is going to be a long and probably painful process but I want to be better. I want my partner to be proud of me.
This is where we differ a bit...
I want YOU, to be proud of yourself....
Something that Spartan picked up on too..
You spend a lot of your words saying what you THINK that we want to hear, instead of just posting about yourself....
One thing that I have a lot of pride in...
And I have heard this more in the past few years than I had ever heard before.
I was talking to a young man a few months ago, and we were talking about life philosophy and such. And he told me that I was the most genuine person that he had ever met....
Now I am not speaking purely from my Ego here, I want you to think about what that means to you...being genuine...
And then think about how it could possibly tie into what Sparty said to you...
Oh and BTW Spartan....I STILL think that you shoulda went blue....jus sayin.....
Currently I'm reading Codependent No More. Really good book and offers some insight into the way I think and being in a R with an alchoholic.
I've already read Divorce Remedy, and Lough Must Be Tough. I would like to read No More Mr. Nice Guy.
So... I know I'm going to get smashed with 2x4's but I'm going to be honest. Lately Ive been better about not checking WAW's FB. She lives on FB and I wanted to get a sense of where she is at.
There hasn't been a whole lot of activity but she did post a video of her and her daughter dancing in their living room.
It made me feel like she is over me already. Like she is enjoying her new life without Thornton. I thought she was supposed to be depressed and battling her addiction and her breakup from me. But she was happy.
Don't get me wrong, I want her to be happy. It's just that I've struggled so much with this breakup that I can't fathom posting a video on FB of my daughter and myself dancing on FB.
Did I really mean that little to WAW, that she can be moving on so quickly? Its been 2 weeks for crying out loud.
The last time we took a week long break, she had to go on anti-anxiety meds. This is such a shock for me to see her handling this so well.
I'm feeling really discouraged, like maybe I can save myself a lot of heartbreak if I just cut the cord and never look back. But I love her, I want to build a new life with her. She's worth it to me. I'm also afraid of being naive. She still has me as her boyfriend on FB, so it really confuses me. It makes me think she doesnt want to delete me because of all the fall out she'd get from people asking what happened. The weeks leading up to the breakup were all family pictures of her and I with the kids having a blast.
I'm putting all this energy and effort into myself to be a better man, while she uses this time to move on from the relationship.
It is possible that she no longer has even a sliver of love for me left in her heart?
Don't overthink what she posts on FB. Don't compare your blooper reel to her highlights shots. You don't know why she posted that particular video, if that message was for you or FOR HER. Really. I post stuff on FB all the time that is meant to remind me of where I want to be, rather than where I am. Don't overthink it. For sure don't think it reflects what she's thinking about the relationship.
And on the topic of FB -- be cautious about what YOU post there. Make sure it reflects who YOU want to be. Then when you do one of those end-of-year summaries or whatever, the overall message will be incredibly positive. FOR YOU. I know a lot of people slam Facebook, but I find it a great way to reinforce what I care about. My friends list is curated to people I care about and who add value to my life (yes, even old high school friends can make that list, if it's carefully curated). The links I post, etc., all reflect who I want to be, what I want my kids, friends, and family to think of me, and it becomes self-reinforcing. So if you're going to spend time there, make sure it feeds you rather than sucking you dry.
For the rest, I'm too new to have much advice, but know that I'm sending you positive vibes for the best possible outcome, whatever it may be.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
This journey has been a difficult one for sure. So to see her dancing around in her living room, 2 weeks after our breakup, 3 weeks after we were looking at engagement rings really messes with my head.
Makes me wonder if she really loved me to begin with.
Thornton, it's best you don't even look. I haven't looked at my WAW's and she has me blocked anyway. I really don't care what she's doing as long as she isn't associated publicly with me anymore, which she isn't.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
FB is the one tiny thread that connects our lives. In fact, we met on Facebook.
I like to try to get an idea of what she has going on with her life because I feel so lost in limbo.
I also don't want to be naive and be working towards R when it's evident she has absolutely no intent and she is happy in her new life. I would rather cut chase and heal from it at that point like she had passed away (if that makes sense).
She just seems happy. In the past, I did notice she would do this when were going through tough times. She would then admit after things were resolved that she had tried to look happy as means to distract herself.
It's tough buddy but what she's doing now has no bearing on working on the relationship. That will only be an issue when she comes to you asking about it. Until then, what she's doing now means nothing. Besides you can bet she's watching your page anyway...even if you are blocked...they will find a way. So post things all about you GAL.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
