WAW...Again, Part II

[stumps]

Really listen when she talks, don't worry about what your response is going to be, just listen.

The bold print is obviously important, but what I quoted above jumped out at me even more.

It's funny when I think about it, but my wife's and my relationship really seems to have traveled full-circle. What I mean is, before we were a couple we used to hang out regularly as friends. She and I would often go out to eat and to bars with a couple that were mutual friends of ours. The four of us would always have a ton of fun, and on the nights when we went out drinking she and I would stay over at the couple's house. We'd always sleep together in the same bed in the couple's guest room, but we never had sex or even fooled around. Just friends...except...everyone else always thought we were a couple and would always tell us how cute we were together, and we would have to set them straight and explain to them...just friends.

Eventually though, I realized I was starting to like W as more than just a friend and that if those feelings weren't reciprocated we would have to dial back some of the stuff like sleeping together because it was making it too hard for me to keep my feelings in check. I remember the first time I decided to sleep on our friends' couch instead of in the guest room with W, W got almost kind of angry. I mean, she understood where I was coming from, but she was not happy that she was losing her "snuggle buddy" and that the nature of our friendship was clearly changing.

It wasn't until a couple of weeks after I started to back off a little bit that W told me one night when we were all out together again that she wanted to give "us" a try and see what happened. And the rest is history...

So the reason I say our relationship has come full circle is because in a way I feel like we're right back in that place again where everyone looks at us and sees these two people who seem to make such a great couple, and I realize I have feelings for W that aren't reciprocated, and it makes me wonder... How healthy is it for me to continue doing this, and for how long? At what point might it actually become detrimental to my emotional health to be in this position, even with all of the GAL that I do to sustain me?

And the bigger question that seems to be creeping in... Will W ever have a change of heart if we continue on this way? Would she have ever been willing to give "us" a try back when we were just friends if she hadn't seen that I was ready to walk away? Will she ever be willing to give us a try now if she doesn't see the same thing now? And how long will it be healthy for me to continue on this way? We had such a great weekend with friends and neighbors these past couple of days, and they all kept remarking how great it's been lately hanging out with the Stumps. And it has been great. Truly. But what's getting difficult for me is seeing the love and affection that everyone else gets from W, but that I am becoming more keenly aware of is missing for me.

That's what I want in my life. And I have ways to make up for it...I'm getting good at giving it to myself, and my kids are an endless source of love, and my friends support me as much as they can. But there's that thing that's missing that I feel toward W that I guess she just doesn't feel toward me, at least not right now... And I hate to admit it, but the lack of reciprocation is giving rise to this feeling in me of just wanting to run away...but then, the thought of not having W in my life as my W is almost unbearable. Although in that regard at least, I do know this...if, god forbid, we don't pull this together, this DBing has helped and is continuing to helpe make myself into such a happier, healthier, stronger person than I've been in such a long time...probably not since the early days of my marriage. And if W and I get divorced, I have learned and continue to learn things that will make me a bad-@ss partner for someone else if that's what life has in store for me.

But as it is, we're lying here in bed together, reading "the paper" on our phones after another fun weekend together with friends and family, W just brought me coffee in bed "to return the favor" because I've been bringing it to her most mornings, and she just asked me to give her a foot and back massage before I start work for the day... And all part of me can think is "how can she want to bring this to an end?" It just feels so right to me...like, this is how it was meant to be. Is there a flaw in that thinking? It seems like there must be.