MY LIFE IS WHAT I MAKE IT AND IT IS AWESOME !

[Ambivalent]

He doesn't have an attorney yet. He is still trying to push for mediation. Even with her!

He contacted her to waive something and get the papers ( served ). She is dealing with him and just gathering information. He is spewing again, yes!

I'm trying to avoid as much contact as possible. He brings me down and it tends to cause me to stop functioning, or should I say lose my focus and puma.

JTM has been very supportive. He is a natural divorce buster, who believes in marriage and did not want his own marriage death. He is incredibly positive and helps me stay on the path I've chosen, which is to not throw mud nor get muddy.

I'm doing the best I can, have upped the Zoloft to my full strength . Taking B vitamins and still taking D. Thank you for being here love... it means a lot.

I'm going to boo hoo a bit and then go to dance class! Hugs

[Ambivalent]

Made it through the weekend. Read lots on relationships, weeded, mulched, dried rose petals , and went to two dances. Not completely back, but not as down as all of last week.

Tomorrow I have an appt. with my attorney. NOT looking forward to it. I'm really trying to stay even.

[Ambivalent]

Up early this morning. I'm trying to rewire my brain.

I figure if I start getting up earlier, perhaps I'll stay asleep in the wee hours of the morn. It can wreak havoc on one's moods.

Making list:

Early rise... check

Get out in garden to mulch before sun and heat

Shower

Get gas

Meet with attorney. uuugh

Gym

Eat

Dogs

Print out forms

Fill out forms

Mail forms with fee

Waterford

Client

[Ambivalent]

Hahaha! Yes Gabby, I am. I'm also doing double workouts to rewire my brain and exhaust myself. Got most of the list done, and some other things.

Meeting with attorney went well, not in panic mode.

Got a lovely text from JTM.

Still reading relationship blogs and MAFM, WAFV. Really a good book.

Putting it into practice is going to be the hard part.

I need to express my feelings to JTM about how I feel about him being late on a seemingly regular basis.

I do not like it. It makes me anxious, frustrated, and disappointed.

I would like us to come up with a solution.

My options are : Arrive at the time he said he would. If running late notify me prior to being late.

Why does it bother me? Is it a trigger? I could be using MY time differently. My time is valuable. I feel let down.

I do not like expecting one thing and then and hour or more later... it isn't ten minutes.

My H. used to be late. It is one of my pet peeves. How do I figure this one out? Am I being inflexible, or am I being logical? To me, I feel as if I'm not considered, hence inconsiderate behavior.

I don't wish to criticize, I just want to be given the respect that one would give to anyone. I don't like waiting around for someone, when I could be accomplishing something else.

[Ambivalent]

Another perspective... am I being judgmental?

He is a very deliberate person, moves slowly and with thought.

He spent 30 years in the military , where he had to be punctual or suffer severe consequences.

He sees his time off as a way to relax, not be rushed.

Do I need to be in the present and slow down? Do I just ask for a call prior to running late?

I'm trying to figure this out... Any opinions?

[beatrice]

OK, some thoughts here: not necessarily in order, and may seem a bit random. I am someone who struggles with punctuality BUT I long ago took myself in hand. I recognise it is very important to many people (outside of the obvious work context) and is interpreted as a lack of respect. And they are right - it isn't overt lack of respect but it is a failure to realise that the time and needs of others is important, and should be important to me (I don't use should much but do here).

However there is a second point. Why is punctuality important to you - if it is respect - fine, but it can tip over into control. And for you, how long before you get anxious?

The final thing that is worth thinking about is that being late CAN also be a form of control. Many passive aggressive people are late, to control others - I don't think mine was p/a, just I failed to organise myself properly.

And this brings me to something slightly tricky to say. You are doing fabulously well - frankly better in terms of getting out there and meeting guys than I am after more than eight years, but be prepared for the fact that your judgement may be skewed. It is clear from your postings that dealing with the divorce itself is understandably throwing you. You may be less 'over' your stbx than you care to admit. The new guy may be great, but immediately after the demise of a long term relationship, we are not always firing on all four cylinders.

Follow your instincts - if it bothers you now it will bother you more, I suspect, in six months time. Address it early. If it is passive aggressive, you will soon find out. If not then you will probably be able to compromise - which may mean he gets to be late some of the time, but tries not to be, and you give him some slack. Asking him to call you though it perfectly reasonable.

[Ambivalent]

And this brings me to something slightly tricky to say. You are doing fabulously well - frankly better in terms of getting out there and meeting guys than I am after more than eight years, but be prepared for the fact that your judgement may be skewed. It is clear from your postings that dealing with the divorce itself is understandably throwing you. You may be less 'over' your stbx than you care to admit. The new guy may be great, but immediately after the demise of a long term relationship, we are not always firing on all four cylinders.

I can see where you may think this. I will clear this up. I am OVER him. No anger, no love, I thought I would want friendship earlier...nope. I just want to get through this with MY self-esteem in tack and not be in the poor house without debt up to my eyeballs.

I have strong feelings of fear over my financial security. Also, because we keep our mouths closed when they spew, and vent, it doesn't allow us to release our emotions towards the person who is dumping on us . It is a form of closure , but can harms the process of divorce. We don't get that validation from the person who is blaming, spewing, myopically rewriting our history. And honestly, while they are in their tunnel do we want validation from that type of person?



At first it bothered me, and yes I did defend my point of view. That was at the original bomb drop. Before last August. Now? I could care less. I do care about my needs now, where before I shunted them aside.

I care about my kids, and I care about the relationships with some of his family. Others in his family not so much.

I do believe my judgment may be skewed currently. I question myself all the time, where I was confident in seeing a person's character, now I second guess. I believe this too shall pass. Which is why I opened myself up to you and others to voice an opinion on this.

I so wish to communicate with the facility that I have when writing, yet when I am face to face with someone who I have deep feelings, I get distracted, flustered and not as articulate. I don't want my needs or issues to hurt another or put them off. I don't wish to make the same mistakes I've made previously. I want to relax more, but I also want to use my time wisely. I do like to know when to expect someone. I really value and appreciated when someone does what they say they are going to do.

As I respond , I'm having a light go off. My father was one who did not follow through on what he'd do or say. My H. would control through lateness, as well as he and his older brother. On my wedding rehearsal , his mother didn't show, and HE was an hour late because he played golf. OUCH! So this is a trigger for me. Now how to share with care?

[job]

Ambivalent,
You feel indifference towards your spouse right now. You are in a place of numbness towards him. However, your reaction to the comments he made to your lawyer spun a different web. Yes, they hurt and you didn't really expect him to say the things he did. There is still a bit of feeling there, be it anger, disappointment, etc. It's going to take some time to get over his behavior and the things he says, but he has to vilify you in order to do what he's doing. After all, he can't say he was at fault or he was the one that walked away because of his infidelity. No, he's not going to admit that, so it must be you. It's going to get worse before it gets better. I know the things he said hurt terribly, but dig deep and remember...not all of what he said is true and it's Memorex...not the live feed.

Now about your friend, it appears that he's grown very comfortable w/you and is starting to show some of his flaws. This is very typical and Bea is right...usually by month 6, people settle in and flaws begin to appear. If he is aware that he's running late or you are aware that you are running late, then it's common courtesy to text or call and advise the "waiting" party that you are running late and when should the new anticipated arrival time will be. This waiting around for someone on a routine basis is passive aggressive or not very well organized. If you are somewhere waiting on him and he doesn't show within a certain amount of time, then go, have back up plans and he'll get the message that you have things to do as well as he does and that your time is just as valuable and precious as his is.

I would suggest that you have a chat w/him about this and if he does it again, have back up plans and go do something else and leave him in the wind. He's a grown man and has worked on a time schedule in the past and is quite aware of what he's doing. You are not some mistress sitting at home waiting on her "john" to come visit w/her. You are a smart, independent woman who has places to go and things to do.

I do agree w/Bea, if he's passive aggressive, it will begin to show more and if you continue w/this relationship, you'll either have to accept this lateness behavior or move on. I can see being late once in a blue moon due to traffic, etc., but not this much. Set your boundaries as he may be testing to see just how much you will act in the way he behaves.

[Ambivalent]

I'm not so much concerned with how my husband feels about me currently. It is more the passive aggressive way in which he dumped it on me. He used my attorney and cc'd me to punish me.

I find it mildly irritating, because it costs money and sad that he is acting like a child.

As For JTM, I absolutely agree. I came to that today. I had my H. do this when we were first going out as well. And you know what? It was a the six month time period too! Men... hahaha!

When my H. did it he got my typical three strikes. The third was when he called, already late and wanted to tell me he was on his way. I had my room mate tell him I was gone, and then proceeded to go out with my friends. He didn't do it again.

I will speak up and let him know that I would appreciate that he honor his time table and word or to call before he is tardy. That way I may choose either to do something else or not.

Thanks Job... it is difficult to keep my spunk sometimes, especially in the active process of the legalities.

[Ambivalent]

JTM's Father unexpectedly went into the hospital , due to his heart. Please keep him in your prayers.