Marching forward with deal breakers in hand

[mdu]

Pretty happy with my GALing this weekend. Kids and I went away 1 night and while it was sad at times bc they missed H overall I think it was a success. I showed myself and THEM that we can successfully do a trip alone without H and have some fun.

For memorial day we had a friend over and her kids. She is a single mom and our kids all get along great. She and I had a fantastic time catching up. The kids all ran around the neighborhood and had a blast. It all makes me feel like I will be ok no matter what. Unfortunately the 1 thing I still struggle with is potentially giving up this house bc the kids love this neighborhood so much. I used to think this was my forever home. Now I try to tell myself maybe there's some way I could figure out how to stay here for ONE year. Even if I totally scrape by. Who knows what could change in ONE year, even if H and I divorce. I mean, my whole life turned upside down in a matter of months. A year is A LOT really. Anyway, having some sort of plan for keeping the kids in the house for even just a year gives me some strength to detach and not be overrun with fear of the consequences if H and I do end up D.

One sad thing today was I asked my Stepson and his finance over but they never came. Overall they have been really great to me since the A (they know about it) but the fact is, I do understand that their loyality will ultimately lie with H. It's just sad to think I may lose them in my life. They have a new baby I adore and I miss them all :-(

Also, this will be a tough week for me emotionally as we are putting my Dad in a home due to his Parkinson's and dementia. The one silver lining is my mom will be more available because she won't have Dad so dependent on her...and I will be available with the kids going with H so much...so we can lean on each other during this mourning/lonely time

So, the rollercoaster does continue in some respects but I feel like maybe not quite as dramatic. At least I HOPE I am leveling off a bit. I guess we shall see what comes my way next. Although in the end all that matters is how I handle it. I'm learning that no matter what, it's all about ME in the end.