KGirl - Movin' On and Out!

[KGirl]

I'm thinking the answers are: saying no if I don't want to do those things is fine, but I probably didn't need to include the "why" (because we're not a couple, because I don't want to be reminded of this house, etc.) It's hard for me to temper some of that in the moment. I so badly want him to face the consequences of this even though I know I shouldn't be pushing that in his face. Grrrr.

Comparing doesn't help, I know.. :S.

Otherwise, this weekend has been awesome so far w/out H being involved! Had lunch w/ sis yesterday and a cookout w/ friends in the evening. Went boating today and then a bonfire at night. I'm trying to be better about accepting "last minute" invitations to do something. In the past, if a friend asked me to come over the day-of and I didn't have plans but hadn't planned on going anywhere, I'd say no because it was "too short of notice" - in my mind I had already decided I was going to watch tv/do laundry/whatever and didn't like having to change it. Now, I'm trying to embrace the invitations because a lot of fun stuff can come from spur-of-the-moment plans.

[labug]

Good! After BD I also went on a Say Yes! campaign for me.

[labug]

I read this yesterday and thought of you...and me. I always need practice with this but it's getting easier.

“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control.”~Elizabeth Gilbert

[KGirl]

Thank you, Bug. I just came on here because I was having a rough moment, and that's just the sort of thing I needed to get my head in gear! H and I are working on dividing things up again today, and we've already agreed that he would get some pretty expensive things (a Dyson vacuum, the dining set). I just asked if it was fine that I take three twig/bird candleholders from the kitchen (they probably cost $20, tops, and I spent a lot of time picking them out to match other things in the kitchen, and I want to do a similar branch/forest/brown theme in my new kitchen) and he grumbled about it and gave me a very PO'd look before finally agreeing. It certainly triggered the whole "I'm giving you what you want and you can't let me have some candleholders that you never cared about anyways?!" mindset along with some crying about the situation as a whole.

But, I am reminding myself that ultimately he agreed to let me have them. That's the important part, and I should focus on that, rather than the lead-up to it.

[claire7]

Keep in mind that just because he is grumbling and acting po'd doesn't mean you have to get upset about it! I mean, the fact that he is acting that way says a lot about him, and the fact that you are moving on calmly and with dignity says a lot about you!

Also, why are you thinking of it as him "letting" you have it? Instead of asking permission ("H, is it ok if i take this?" ), maybe play around with some more assertive phrases (not spiteful or aggressive, just asserting yourself. Is there someone you can role play with? Maybe you got upset because you asked his permission...and he gave in hesitantly (which is not what you were hoping for). If you don't look for permission, but just express your wants, then it won't be upsetting when he doesn't give his permission!

I've found it helpful to say in my head whatever I would like to say out loud-- and keep a calm smile on my face. Sometimes I hum a sweet song but the lyrics in my head match what I wish I could say to him out loud. I can picture you doing that as you pack! Do you have an anthem or a mantra? That helps me too during difficult moments.

Sorry for rambling so much! Good luck!

[KGirl]

Claire, in thinking about why I am asking permission... honestly, because I'm still a little scared of him. H has a temper and doesn't manage his anger or frustration well. It's gotten better than when we were in high school and college, but when he doesn't get his way or I disagree with him about something, it hasn't been uncommon for him to slam things, punch walls, etc. One time in college when someone down the hall sprayed him with silly string as a joke, he punched the guy in the face. We thought he might get kicked out of the dorm. So, I have a tendency when we disagree to give in to him or let him do what he wants, because I'm scared of his reaction. He's never physically hurt me but I've worried sometimes that he might. And yet, he's telling me now he wasn't assertive enough and gave in to ME too much in our M...? I'll think about ways to just say what I want, or maybe combine it with giving him something else "I want to take this thing. I'll leave you this other thing."

H brought up the conversation again about going to the neighbor's tonight for drinks and watching the cat when he's "gone" in June. I think I handled it a little better than the first time, maybe still not ideal.
H: Are you sure you don't want to go to the neighbor's tonight?
Me: No, I don't.
H: It's going to be weird going alone (it's two couples - the neighbors, and the couple across the street.. and then H)
Me: It might be. But it is what it is. *joking tone* Guess it's too late for you to find a date!
H: *laughs, then pauses*
H: And you still won't come take care of the cat when I'm gone?
Me: No.
H: But she'll miss you.
Me: She might, but it is what it is.
H: Even if I paid you?
Me: No, I still don't want to do it.

[labug]

He's smooth, huh?

Will it be freeing to not have fear hanging over you?

[KGirl]

Will it be freeing to not have fear hanging over you?

I would think so! I was scared that if I didn't keep him happy/let him have his way, that I'd get hurt or that he'd leave. But I'd still be resentful that I was always caving and that he wouldn't see my point of view. Now it doesn't matter very much. He "left," the worst case scenario has happened. I've been encouraged to think about the positive things aspects of physically separating and at first I refused to do that. Now I can see more of them, this being one of them, but also generally being able to do what I want, whether it's what I choose to make for dinner, how to decorate my place, when to clean up, what to watch on TV, etc.

A lot of the issues I brought that led to things as they are can be improved if I focus on a few big picture goals:
-Being happy on my own/ as a "single" person
-Letting go of the past
-Acknowledging what is beyond my control/influence and just concerning myself with the things within my reach
Things that H was unhappy with about me all lead back to those main concepts (being jealous, always wanting to know what he's doing, not liking it when he spent time with others/by himself, not trusting him, holding past mistakes over his head). With us not living together and no kids I'm not sure how he'll see if I make those changes, but just NOT reaching out to him or checking in on him during this time is a good start. Originally I wanted to block him on facebook after I moved so that I wouldn't have to see what he's up to, but after reading a different post on here, I may change my mind about that - it would also provide him a window into my life where he could see that I'm moving on with my life, having fun, etc.

[KGirl]

The strangest thing happened to me today...

I received a secret admirer letter in our interdepartmental mail. Based on the text, the person rides the bus with me and has a crush on me but is now leaving the state so wanted to let me know. There are some personal details in there that are a bit creepy (like knowing what my college major was, what I do for work, how did he even figure out my last name??) but still kind of flattering. My coworkers and I spent some time pondering it and determined what building the envelope is from but that's all we know.

So...do I show it to H or not? On the one hand, showing that others are interested in me could help him think about not losing me. On the other hand...it's not really his business anymore.

The letter mentions how lucky my husband is to have me as a partner....wish HE knew that and too bad I couldn't find this guy before he left the state!

[claire7]

Oooh... I definitely wouldn't show it to H. But he may notice the subconscious spring in your step and smile inside that comes from knowing there are other fish in the sea who are attracted to you! And that is a win!

Enjoy that feeling and remember it so you can hold on to it next time you feel a bit down!