Thank you Spartan. I truly feel blessed to have all of your support. The kindness of strangers pulling for me really has been monumental for me.
Regarding my shortcomings, things I want to change about myself:
I've frequently been insecure in my relationships. As a means to overcompensate, I have put on a front like it didn't care.
Early on in my relationship with WAW, I would threaten to leave her if I didn't get my way. She would go to the ends of the earth to make things better. This would inflate my ego and make me feel like I held all the power in the relationship. I was a total Ahole. Slowly I began to change my stance on things like this but the damage was done.
I also became jealous of WAW's friends and sometimes even her family. She is very family oriented and I would be hurt if she wanted to spend time with them. I was so selfish and didn't let her be who she really was. The guilt/shame I have from this is significant.
Controlling money was a big one for me. My exW wiped me out during our relationship and divorce. I was bound and determined to never let that happen again. I became even more controlling once we started saving for a house. I define myself as a provider, the person in the R that makes things happen. I never realized I was changing her view of me in the process.
I fell victim to many of the "alpha male" methodologies. Many of my friends believe in this stuff as a means to always be control of the relationship. I realize now, that this wasn't love. It was game playing at it's finest.
Entitlement. ANother big one for me. When WAW went to rehab, I held the fort down. I took care of the kids while she was away for a month. It was a very painful period for me. I missed her so much and was stressed with the unknowns of a newly sober person coming back home. When she came home, I felt she owed me for toughing it out. For going through the pain with her. Again, not unconditional love. I feel ashamed that I felt this way.
These are the things I want to do 180's on. I want to be genuine and allow myself to be vulnerable in relationships. I realize that control only ruins things.
Basically I'm a very fearful person. Not exactly an attractive quality.
I plan on working on these things with my therapist. To believe in myself, to be confident, to not fear life's hills and valleys. And to allow my WAW (or whoever I end up with) to be free to choice their paths. Again, this is scary territory for me. What if they realize life is better without me? Find someone better than me? Very unhealthy thinking.
I know this is going to be a long and probably painful process but I want to be better. I want my partner to be proud of me.
