I am leaving tonight to go see my mom. I have left h with the kids. He will bring them in about a week. Then I have to travel for 6 days for a work shop so he will stay with them at my moms.
He has been staying at the house since he came (last Wednesday) We both have been busy but we would have a drink or two together before our other plans kicked in. He would go out late sometimes and still come back to the house.
Our 13 yr anniversary was Saturday. While we did not celebrate- we did mark it with a drink and agreed that maybe 13 could be a good number. I also left him a card telling him that while the journey has been so very hard , for me it has been worth it because at that moment I was filled with joy for my kids and my family and my life right now and that included him. I didn't say I love you and I didn't say happy anniversary in the card. But it was authentic and I wrote it with love. He thanked me for it.
Our chats are becoming more two way and a little more honest. Not much - but I notice it. I felt very empowered at times to be more honest in my strength - I actually said at one point not to mistake my kindness, and my open door as weakness or fear.
I do realise I can be awkward around him though. I get overwhelmed with panic or emotion for moments and then it passes. He makes no promises, but is around more and did go to the golf dinner with me. And did spend two evenings with me at home before he went out. It's not huge but for him I think it is.
I panic about messing up. About rushing or pushing or nagging. Then I realise I am in control of all of that. I want to see him physically attracted to me again- but realise that him staying in the house is a huge step itself. ( over the past 4 years when I needed him to stay with the kids, he would stay elsewhere and only move in as I was on the way to the airport).
I panic because I think he is only motivated by the kids (which is a great motivation because it means he becomes a better father) but not motivated as a husband.
I know I have to be super careful. He is watching , I know that.
But I feel so proud of where I am now. I realised no one can ever take that away from me. I felt proud that my kids know that I am there, stable, happy, keeping hope in their little hearts and not letting bitterness or angry eat me up and turn me into a depressed and hopeless parent.
This is because of you. Of the place- of all you people. What a blessing it has been and is to walk among you and stand tall.
and so I keep going...
Last edited by bustingout; 05/26/1405:16 PM.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
