Good advice Wonka, I never told her she wouldn't be fair, that is something I was thinking as she said it, not to her. In fact I told her that I do think she will be fair but as I saw with my own eyes how her father and mother had one of the most horrible divorces I have ever heard of let alone seen (he put all the money and assets in his GF name, never paid ANY CS, drug it out for 11 years so the kids would be over 18 when it was final, etc) and now that he's involved it bothers me.
All in all I think I acted fairly well considering what she was saying and why. I didn't say this to her but I really don't think the lawyer her and her dad hired CAN be fair as he works for whoever pays him. This is going to cause problems as she really believes getting a D will be easy and the kids will be happy that mom will finally get what she wants. We will both go off and be friends and she will be so very happy just because she's not married any more. That her life will become easier. That our D will understand that mom having her "freedom" is more important than getting to go to the school she was told she would be going to her whole life (and her sister went to). If our D is angry at her the ONLY reason can be that I said or did things to make her feel that way. My W is so deep in fantasyville she actually thinks anything that doesn't match her fantasy is untrue or made up. This makes dealing with her on any level very hard if not impossible. Our D is so unhappy about how she has been acting since her dad got involved, she stays in her room most of the time when her mom is at home. My W told me this is because she, like her, wants her own space. She's unhappy because she is trapped here with me! Never mind that her and I do things together all the time. When her mom isn't here we stay in the same room most of the time talking and laughing, maybe watching TV but so what, we're together. Besides, she's 14. Most 14 year olds spend a lot of time in their rooms. Of course my W said when she was 14, she never went to her room, she was happy to be with her mom. This after she has told me over and over how she hated having to be the adult with her mom at that age! How she would do anything to get away from her because she was so upset about her divorce. Changing history. I never know from talk to talk what she will decide to change about the past, about our M history, about me. This screams my needing a lawyer of my own.
FY, I told her that I wanted her to have a great relationship with her dad our entire marriage. I put up with him acting in ways and saying things that I never would have put up with if he wasn't her dad. As far has her not being happy until she gets a D that just changed. Up until last week she was happy to just separate. Needing a D to be happy is new. Is this how she will feel in a month? I don't know. I would love to get it over with ASAP but I won't allow her to just do whatever she thinks is right especially when it comes to our D and what is best for her. I know one thing for certain, right now my W doesn't care about anything but getting what she wants for her. That may change in the future but for now she doesn't seem able to think about what is best for anyone but her. As parents it's important to be able to see that what we may want at any given time may not be whats best for the kids and family. Even if her family doesn't include me she still has a family that includes my kids. I really need to be careful. Not allow my hope that she comes to her senses or that she comes out of her MLC some day change the way I handle things. I don't plan on being a jerk or just slowing things down to slow them down but I won't just speed through it either. I do get what you're saying, don't get me wrong. If I try to champion her dad now she will see it as a lie and me trying to manipulate her. She knows how I feel about him and nothing he's done lately would change that for sure! I really think that she needs to go out on her own. I actually would help her do that and that was the plan before.
For now I need to get a lawyer and get my ducks in a row. Other than that I need to just GAL and do what I need to do for me and my kids and not care about her and what she wants.
