Yesterday I ran into a friend I haven't seen in a while and didn't know my H and I are split up. She told me she had openings at her work in my H career. However, due to his drinking, she wouldn't recommend him. H would have to apply without her reference. I don't feel its okay to tell him? The job would be great but...she also didn't want to call him. Again, alcohol is rearing his ugly head. First marriage and like I've known would happen, his career. I would really like some advice from those lives are/were impacted and familiar with alcoholic spouses.. I'm thinking I should just let it go but it's nagging at me. I DON'T want to tell him to punish or through it in his face. I just want to share it to let him know the consequences of his actions. But I know he doesn't care or the alcohol doesn't care.
Last edited by NotAgainPlease; 05/26/1403:19 PM.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
A lot of us on the boards have dealt with a combination of MLC and addiction. In my case, my H's substance abuse was a problem throughout our 20+ year marriage. It reared it's head again, in a huge way, during this crisis.
I think some have already suggested Al-Anon. Have you gone to a meeting yet? You can check for local meetings online. It's suggested you go to six meetings before making a decision if it's right for you. Al-Anon and A.A. have saved countless families from utter destruction. I know you will be going for him, at first, but, much like DB, you will soon learn that you are going for YOU...And, this will make all the difference.
Addiction is "cunning and baffling" in that it's a slow progression of destruction. As the spouses, we often don't see the part we play anymore than the drinker sees his/hers.
From your posts, it sounds like you have some deeply entrenched enabling behaviors that you may not even realize.
Al-Anon has phone meetings too. The Internet is full of resources about addiction. And, if you are nervous about going to a meeting, pick up a book and educate yourself. Anything published by Hazelden is a good start.
There's a chapter in A.A.'s Big Book written for spouses. It's a bit outdated in language because it was written a very long time ago...however, it has brought me enormous comfort over the years. It addresses the problem of infidelity and insane behavior. It also gives very clear advice on how to treat the alcoholic.
As far as the job is concerned. I guess I'd look at your motives for telling him. If it's to rub it in his face, then, "No." If you feel it's valuable information for him to have on his job search...IDK. It's a slippery slope. I guess, if you feel you can give the facts to him...including the part about NO reference, without any lecturing/blaming/judging, then tell him. It would have to be very straightforward, detached on your part.
"Hey, I ran into to so-and-so. She mentioned she had openings for such-and-such. Then, she told me that, because of your drinking, she wouldn't recommend you or give you a reference. I thought you should know."
But, that's it. I'm sure he will encourage the convo and try to add his two cents or whatever. At this point, you need to say, "I'm just giving you the information. Do with it what you will. Thought you should know."
No matter how much he tries to draw it out...You'd have to nip it and leave, get busy, whatever...do NOT engage.
I'm sorry you find yourself here, but, maybe this is a chance to deal with some things you've needed to face for awhile??
Much Love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thank you for responding. I too have been dealing with this for 20 years with him. I also was raised by an alcoholic father and step father. I definitely have been enabling and have attachment/abandonment issues. I am planning on attending Alanon meetings next week. I've found a location. Your advise as to what to tell him is almost identical to what I have ready to send in a text. I did not want to talk to me on the phone because I did not want to hear he did not care what anybody says BS. I just wanted to let him know if you wanted to apply and not to use her as a reference. Thanks again!
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
H thinks that because hes cut back and doesn't drink daily he's better. We know that's not true. But in their sick mind they believe . It's sad but I think sometimes something like if they had cancer or something it would be easier. At least you hope they'd get treatment. Addiction is so much harder!
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I just wanted to let him know if you wanted to apply and not to use her as a reference.
Watch this ^^^^^. Sounds like you controlling again, being the mom. Alcoholics are already sensitive to "mothering" and, when you add MLC/Depression to the mix...WATCH OUT!!
It's not your business what he does or doesn't do with the information. That's on him. The point in telling him, if there was one, is to relay something that came up professionally for him to consider...even in his sick mind. That's why this bit of info is a slippery slope...I can usually feel, in my gut, when I'm crossing the line into controlling.
For me, had I run into a business contact and heard this same info about Smokey...well, I can tell you that the Alcoholic Fish Wife in me would be doing somersaults for JOY!!
Fish Wife would be saying:
"See!! See you Dumba$$, it's not just me who notices your drinking!! See!! You have screwed up again and now I have PROOF that it's true!! YOU have a problem and other people see it too."
That doesn't help. :-(
Not saying that is what you felt, but it's how I would have USED the info...the key word there is "USED."
That's why I was saying you could give him the information in a very factual, detached way. "This is what I heard, thought you would like to know"...END. DONE. NO MORE DISCUSSION no matter how hard he tries.
You can't be his mother anymore, not if you want to get better and, definitely not, if you want him to get better.
I'm glad you are going to a meeting. Start reading about co-dependency. It will help.
You go girl.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Okay. Thanks. I will change it since I haven't sent yet. He aslo asked me 2 days ago to help with his online application that I've always done. I said it's your job now. I'm sure he'll ask OW for help? I read some about your sitch and see you have been through it and appreciate your comments. Thanks again. I guess you could say this is my addiction!
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I said it's your job now. I'm sure he'll ask OW for help?
Awesome! No, it's not your job.
I know how much this hurts and how scary it is. I really do. At the same time, isn't a part of it kinda freeing? A load off?? Because, right now, he is a major load and, for me, I gradually came to realize over time how much energy I expended on HIM.
Addicts/Alcoholics really drain our energy and keep us busy with stuff that isn't really ours. Now, you can focus on YOU.
He can't have it both ways because YOU deserve better. Let him go to make his own choices/mistakes. God will provide the consequences better than you ever could. Promise!
So what are YOU doing today??
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thank you thank you! yes they do drain you and take all your energy. I do have to find something to do with all my new time. I've been hanging out with a girlfriend quite a bit. I'm going to do some things around my house, and start riding my horse again. I am on my last day of a six-day Run at the county fair with my kids. We bring home the animals that didn't sell and clean up. Then I think a barbecue this afternoon. You?
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
So, I got a text back from H. Drinking?? No thanks, I dont want to work there.
I think I won't even respond. He know exactly what I'm talking about. We have been friend with them about 18 years!!
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
. It's sad but I think sometimes something like if they had cancer or something it would be easier. At least you hope they'd get treatment. Addiction is so much harder!