I'm back for a while

[Underdog]

CTH,

I'm here to whack some sense into you. (No 2x4's...)

Positives:

Your D15 talked to you about something other than prefunctory crap she's expected you to talk about.

She made a good decision.

She's a great student and has goals and ambitions.

Negatives

You're seeing her dilemmas as personal and offering judgement instead of discussing.

You ARE criticizing her.

You don't know jack about girls. Especially pre-pubescent and teen girls.
***********

Okay, that being said, let's talk about this. You were a teenager once, and you had temptations then too. If you were anything like me, maybe your R with your dad was too distant to actually bring up things with him to talk. Do you really want that kind of R with your girls? Do you want them to see you as the enemy and someone that they can't trust with their feelings?

Girls emote. We talk things out. And I might venture a guess that you are a fixer. When your XW had conversations with you that were tough, did you wear the cloak of judgement instead of delving a little more deeply to see what was at the bottom?

Go get that book Advina told you to get. And practice on coworkers. Learn how to look past face value in discussions. Learn how to ask questions instead of make blanket statements.

Questions that could have been asked:

"Is your workload at school making you anxious?"
"Are you feeling pressure to perform well on your tests? If so, why?"
"What do you think would have happened if you had cheated?"
"What are the consequences of cheating?"
"What does the school do when they catch kids cheating?"
"If you had been caught, how would that affect your future plans?"

Learn how to open dialogues rather than close them. Nothing makes a person shut down faster than someone who just draws conclusions without finding more. You said you had experience with your own car rides and how YOU wanted the outcome to be different, so to get that, you're going to have to act differently than your parents did.

If you can change your dynamic with your D15 (and prevent your R with D11 by engaging in these exercises), just maybe she'll want to keep spending time with you. Nobody wants to hang around a judge, so keep that in mind.

And lastly, teenage girls are difficult. It's an awful time in life for us. Our hormones are wacky and we're learning how to separate from authority figures and venture out on our own. And BTW, one of the unfair consequences is that we see all boys/men as the same. Dads get thrown into that pool. So it's normal for her to be antagonistic with you at this point in her life. But I'd guess her R with her mom is even more irratic.

My now D20 and I went through 3 horrible years. And yes, we both remember them as horrible. And we had better communication skills than you do. Her dad was her safe place while we went through it, and even when he was wearing his judging hat. I finally had to convince him that it was in everyone's best interest if he could just be her friend rather than the parent - and I told him since our R was already a mess, to let me be the bad guy so that she would continue to talk to at least one of us. We made it through and things are great now.

But I have to tell you, I still engage in the listening. And now that we're here and she's almost a legal adult, she does the asking questions. They're tough and thought provoking and often require total honesty of me. I feel like I'm on the hot seat sometimes. But in the end, I just allow her to be her. I see a lot of similarities between her and your D15.

Just encourage her to continue to make good choices. Let her know that you're always willing to listen. And when you do that, STFU. Use your ears instead of your mouth and then recap what she's said back so you understand what she's said. And then be Columbo and just ask questions. You'll guide her more doing that than telling and judging.

And learn how to do this in your other Rs. You might be pleasantly surprised at how much you really don't know and assume.

Just speaking to you as another girl...

Betsey