Interested to hear how your DIY project worked out. My D20 and I are scheduled to take a class in chalk paint in June, and I can't wait. I grew up on furniture refinishing (my mom, BFF and her mom were the ones who did it), so am anxious to get started. I have a few pieces I'm going to try first and then work up to my kitchen cabinets. What color(s) did you use?
My first question to you: Do you believe that he's being sincere? From what you've written, you do. But you're gauging your next step on how the people around you feel. To me, THAT'S the deal breaker.
That being said, I can't answer this for you. However, if this was the only time in your R with him that you've had to overlook an affair, I might be inclined to ask you: What have you got to lose by doing the work now?
I have a dear friend here in Denver who was in your shoes 40 years ago. Her kids were angry with her for even contemplating reconciling. She stayed in therapy and so did her H. If your H is here, why not do a parallel course in IC and ask him to do the same? Ask him to delve deeply into the issues that got him to leave in the first place. And when the time is right (if you get to that point), you can ask him to court you.
Drop the rope and see how it plays out.
Now about the kids. My friend told her teenagers this: "Your dad and I took vows that ended with 'til death do us part. I take that commitment seriously. I don't know if this is possible, but I owe him and myself the commitment to try. If it doesn't work, we'll divorce. But if he does, then I'm getting back the person that I married more whole. He's your dad, and your R with him is yours. I won't interfere with your decisions, so therefore, I ask you to support me with mine."
Her kids are my age, and they came around. But their dad had a lot of work to do to regain the respect he lost by his actions (my friend actually kicked him out). He "dated" her for a year, and when she could see his actions as sincere and reliable and trustworthy over that time, they set a plan for him to move back in. I'm happy to say that I attended their 50th anniversary party some years ago. I've never known them as anything other than happy.
Your kids are hurt. And your D17 is old enough to know what caused the mess. Basically, in his storm, she was taken out as collateral damage.
Also, please get "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. Even if you don't reconcile your M, maybe it will help YOU heal so you can parent effectively.
So I'd summarize by advising you to look into your heart and then let things play out with no expectations. Drop the rope, let him lead and see what actions he takes to determine how committed he is to this process.
I really wish you well on this.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
