A lot of us on the boards have dealt with a combination of MLC and addiction. In my case, my H's substance abuse was a problem throughout our 20+ year marriage. It reared it's head again, in a huge way, during this crisis.
I think some have already suggested Al-Anon. Have you gone to a meeting yet? You can check for local meetings online. It's suggested you go to six meetings before making a decision if it's right for you. Al-Anon and A.A. have saved countless families from utter destruction. I know you will be going for him, at first, but, much like DB, you will soon learn that you are going for YOU...And, this will make all the difference.
Addiction is "cunning and baffling" in that it's a slow progression of destruction. As the spouses, we often don't see the part we play anymore than the drinker sees his/hers.
From your posts, it sounds like you have some deeply entrenched enabling behaviors that you may not even realize.
Al-Anon has phone meetings too. The Internet is full of resources about addiction. And, if you are nervous about going to a meeting, pick up a book and educate yourself. Anything published by Hazelden is a good start.
There's a chapter in A.A.'s Big Book written for spouses. It's a bit outdated in language because it was written a very long time ago...however, it has brought me enormous comfort over the years. It addresses the problem of infidelity and insane behavior. It also gives very clear advice on how to treat the alcoholic.
As far as the job is concerned. I guess I'd look at your motives for telling him. If it's to rub it in his face, then, "No." If you feel it's valuable information for him to have on his job search...IDK. It's a slippery slope. I guess, if you feel you can give the facts to him...including the part about NO reference, without any lecturing/blaming/judging, then tell him. It would have to be very straightforward, detached on your part.
"Hey, I ran into to so-and-so. She mentioned she had openings for such-and-such. Then, she told me that, because of your drinking, she wouldn't recommend you or give you a reference. I thought you should know."
But, that's it. I'm sure he will encourage the convo and try to add his two cents or whatever. At this point, you need to say, "I'm just giving you the information. Do with it what you will. Thought you should know."
No matter how much he tries to draw it out...You'd have to nip it and leave, get busy, whatever...do NOT engage.
I'm sorry you find yourself here, but, maybe this is a chance to deal with some things you've needed to face for awhile??
Much Love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
