I'm working on me FY- and you are right- whatever happens I will be more than ok. He is noticing my changes and confidence quite a bit. He commented yesterday during that talk about those things as well.
Tonight he started another talk and I'm not so sure how I did....
He was talking about figuring out kids and finances etc. At one point talks about sharing house back and forth which only gets weird when one of us is dating or somebody moves in or gets remarried. Then starts talking about getting help with budgeting and learning how to manage his finances. Maybe he will go back to school.... I finally say I think I'm done with this conversation for now and I'm holding back tears which he can see. I felt like he was still using me as his best friend/sounding board for the life he was about to separate from me and start over. I tried to listen but I couldn't take it anymore. He said do you need space? I say no- he says on the flip side do you want a hug? And I say no. He seems hurt. I Say I need some water and to go to sleep. He asks " do you want me to get it for you? I say no" and get up. When I come back he apologizes and gets really close next to me, holds my hand, says he's confused and all these thoughts are in his head and he understands the boundary of not discussing what ifs several years from now ( such as other relationships) and just dealing with what's in front of us. Then says he's nuts because he's doing this b/c he can't give love the way he wants to yet he's sitting there wanting to ML and if I kissed him that would be it. I said I can't do that right now- it's too difficult. He tries to console me, rubs my arm then asks me to lay on his chest. I do and then I have to get up b/c it's too hard. He says that felt good to hold me. I agree. Then he says he's going to run to his other house to put out trash cans and is it ok if he comes back? I say it's fine. He says when he comes back he may be "in the moment" which means he will want ML. Says he just can't think beyond the right now. I say that I can think beyond, and I just can't do that right now. He gets up and seems very confused, almost lost. Then says he will just come back in the morning.
I feel like I shouldn't have shown him the sadness or tears etc based on "keep in up the PMA". But I couldn't help it. And it seemed to soften him some, as did sticking to my boundary right now as I know it would be too emotionally hurtful for me. Maybe it wasn't all bad that I responded the way I did. Definitely got him thinking.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
"Best friend and sounding board" is a good sign. I get the same. Many here are not that fortunate. I suggest you build on this. If he's comfortable talking with you about this stuff, then that lessens the chance he'll talk to someone else about it, which could lead to an EA.
It's ok if you can't listen to certain things. It's ok to say "I'd prefer to not discuss this right now, can we talk about this another time". It's also ok to excuse yourself and leave the room to cry if you need to.
If you're not comfortable with ML, then don't do it. Many spouses went ahead and ML, and later regretted it.
Try to build comfortable and enjoyable time together, free of R talks. When he does initiate R talks, your job is to reassure him that you understand he is going through a difficult time right now. And that you are confident he will figure things out. Then let him do it, on his own. Keep focusing on yourself.
This is tough stuff, Daring. You are doing well. Bust On!
Last edited by ForeverYoung; 05/22/1401:26 AM.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Great point FY on the EA, hadn't looked at that perspective, thank you. Especially since that did happen previously. I told him tonight that I will help him as much as I can but some things are just hard to listen to right now. I might feel differently soon for much of that- but it's just hard. He said maybe he will survive long enough to make it up to me. I know I need to see that as a good thing and focus on that. We had some great chats about his work and our upcoming vacation and I really enjoyed it. Will keep working on that too. For my GAL- I'm going to dinner with the girls from work tomorrow and he was very supportive and will watch kids and even offered to drive me if I wanted to have cocktails. I'm also going to start going to a women's group that focuses on mindfulness and positive thinking for those going through relationship separation/divorce. I figure even if it never happens I can forge some friendships and work on myself.
Really appreciate the insight FY! I will DB on!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Update: H has been staying at his rented house the last several days. Our two youngest kids figured out he wasn't staying at home and he had to tell him we are going to go through with a divorce. Last couple days we have been talking through some logistics of finances and kids schedules. I've had a couple if rough spots where I backslid and cried b/c this is so hard. He moved towards me both times- once with a hug and once holding my hand. He still wants to do some activities together and be able to come to the house and see the kids in addition to them going with him. He also asked for us to still communicate as I am able, especially since I am one of his few friends. I think I am ok with all of that. At this point I have accepted that D is happening and it seems to be what he needs to do. He did notice that even when I'm upset I'm different- in that I'm responding in a healthier manner. I hate all this pain but I haven't lost hope. There are still many positives. At the least I know we can maintain a good friendship and at best we may restart a great relationship in the future. It seems that this is the only way the latter is even a possibility for him so I have to love him enough to let him go.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Daring - letting go is the best thing to do, it's just a piece of paper. Definitely don't let it ruin your hope, things change all the time, nothing stays the same, not even our troubles. When mine filed I did not contest it, I simply told him the changes to be made and he agreed and when he gave me the updated papers I had my lawyer read it and I signed it right then when she said they were good. He wasn't going to be happy if I decided not to sign, it accomplished nothing, I felt like just get it over with, let him go and get through his journey, fighting him on it would have been a waste of energy - mine were more than fair though so I was lucky. He will still be in your life since you have children. I don't have any kids but he still is checking on the dogs once in awhile and that's when he can see my changes. They DO notice. It takes awhile, but definitely don't lose hope. google divorce support groups for your area and go to one - it helped me tremendously.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
I'm not doing so well this weekend. I took down our wedding photo Sat night and put up other photos. When H came over yesterday to spend time with the kids my daughter told him she was upset about the picture and went into all kinds of frustrations about the situation. He talked to me about it and asked if I was ok- I said as ok as I can be. He said I should take those pics down and do what I need to do but maybe involve our daughter in some of those decisions. Then he said he felt like earlier when I was outside with our son and the previous night when he was over hanging out with them that he felt he shouldn't be around, like I needed my space. I told him I had done all I could- he knows how I feel, I've worked on myself, tried to help him and now all I can do is let go. He said I know. I told him I would create my own space when I needed it and he was welcome to spend time with the kids. We all went to a movie last night with our neighbors and their kids and he seemed distant and down. So today he's coming over to BBQ with the kids, his brother is coming up and our neighbors might come over. I feel like a $itch but I really feel like saying- " this is my house now, you don't get to just plan stuff and have people over". But his brother had already planned this before the most recent D bomb. Plus I know that him coming around more prob does give him more opportunity to realize what he will be missing. I guess I'm somewhat doing the LRT, and I'm hoping in some way that he will respond but I'm also doing it b/c it's all I can do right now in order to keep myself sane. I'm so used to being loving and open since all of this that I feel wrong doing it and that he will think it validates some thoughts he had about my feelings toward him or his own self worth. But really- it's just how I can handle the situation without breaking down. And I hate that I am still stuck on his roller coaster of watching for responses. I know it takes at least two weeks per Michelle to know if something is changing. I just feel very lost myself right now.
One day at a time, keep detaching, keep GALing...... Not sure if any if my ramblings make sense.... This REALLY &ucks!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Hi daring. Sorry to hear you are having some tough times. Just remember, they won't last forever.
Do what you have to do for you... don't worry about how H will see it. Right now it is WAY more important that you save YOU!
H is spinning. He really doesn't know what he wants, and likely won't for a while. The more you focus on you, the better. You WANT him to see you doing well. This makes you MORE attractive.
I know how tough this stuff can be, but you can do this. You are doing it! Bust On!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
You are right FY- he has no idea what he wants and is most definitely spinning. He said as much tonight. I asked him something that I can't even remember and he said " I don't know anything anymore".
I had a wow moment just now- I was praying and as I have often recently I asked God for a passage to read. The message I received was 1st Corinthians 7. This is the chapter on marriage!!! I was amazed when I read through it. I don't know if it means my marriage will work out or end but it was certainly a powerful reminder that God is moving and with me in this process. I will standby and stand- remembering my vows while also taking care of me.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Daring, I read the same passage a few days ago. It really hit me hard. As you said, I don't know if it means my marriage will survive or not. But it did impact me on how strong my resolve is to correct ME and stand strong. I hope and wish you the best.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
