hang on - it'll probably get alot worse before it gets better (if it does) . i just wish i had alot of rosey and wise things to say- not so much. it's such a personal (and very very hard decision- whether the person you loved for soooooooo long is "worth" it or not. whether the r is worth anything or not. i (thought i) was happy with him for soooo long- then i think is it worth several years of miserable? do i "owe" it/him tht??? on balance.?? it's a hard calculation to make- a crap shoot. i don 't have much faith in his "intrinsic goodness" anymore. it just gets beaten out of you- and i wonder if that alone is the answer.
MY delusion(of my life, future, etc.) is totally shattered - but i still cannot decide for absolutely sure if he is in any way reclaimable. jury still out.
i stew when i'm alone on a holiday too- tho i was incredibly busy last couple days - have a friend whose h works on weekends and she's always bored and she's a real driver and activity gal. i let her drag me along and glad of it. it makes the day go nicely with a buddy- instead of alone. Of course, the times when all my friends are celebrating with their families - i just suck it up and feel miserable like everyone else. oh well. it's bad - but it's less AWFUL than it was. maybe (i pray) i'm detaching. i sometimes brood too much too - still. (tho, alot less than in the beginning.) all i can think to do it keep busy - i am a terrible slave-driver around the house. maybe i'll drop from exhaustion some day? idk
As i said, it's going on 3 yrs in july that i found out what the heck EXACTLY was up in my life & with h. i was a genuine mess (and i'm not a downer usually- pretty pollyanna and positive person). ANYway- my point- i find just now (my mom died mar 28 - which is a landmark & perspective changing event too) that i am a bit detached (long time coming huh?) and that my brain never thinks in terms of : "how could he" and "why would he" and so on. i take it as a positive sign i'm moving forward some how- maybe like a tentative crab rather than a charging rhino- but forward nevertheless. the progress is small- but you'll see it. you're soooo new to this - i'm sorry for your pain and confusion. YOU SOUND really like a take charge kinda gal tho- and in real control there. yay you. .
like you both- the thinking is a killer. (i find sometimes half a day or more will go by without a thougfht of him when he's not here - it's big progress for me. after bulk of my adult life with this man. i've spent some very lonely stupid little fourth of july's and minor holidays. idk - somehow we plug our way thru. my 1 yr younger, "best" sister died 2008 from alcohol - she had a divorce and subsequent breakdown and never could just get "cured" all the way. i never understood how devastating the divorce was - she never just gave me the unvarnished truth. found a note in a book years later - (now, when i know how it dest roys your life inside andout) she was not up to the fight. i still feel badly- i can see how it could crush the spirit out of you. I can even remember thinking maybe i see the point of ending it all because it's sooooo hard to go thru. i did not- not me, chicken that I am - just kept on going, miserable and in a fog, but still alive and keeping busy.
As the book says- there is no easy way to get thru this. I've told myself a million times (probably will tonite too when i wake up at 4 a.m.) - that i can always leave tomorrow. there are just alot of practical considerations aren't tehre?
I always thought i'd storm out if i ever found out someone was cheating. when it happened to me- all i could do is look around the florida house and thing how awful it would be rite then to pack up 36 years of "stuff" - i was not up to it- at all. i was shattered (i'm embarassed to say how badly it clobberedme) (i'd have staked my life on his integrity) (ha! what integrity???
anyway- so i stayed put- i even decided i'd be darned if i'd go stay at someone elses house and have a rotten nite in someone elses bed -
i wonder now if i'm nuts? water under that bridge huh?
alot of folks on forum advised leave him and shock him, etc. mwd in her book says if you de liver an ultimatum right now- they will just pick ow & go. i beleived it.
i have no idea now three years later where he stands. i think he thinks i'll be here forever - i am not so sure. He is "buying" me- i am allowing him to. i can remember very vividly when i left my ex husband how stinky it was being incredibly - INCREDIBLY - POOR. do not particularly want to rusn into that.
i am keeping my thoughts to my self- when i'm ready i'll make my move. wouldn't he drop his teeth if i announced i'm outta here. or better yet- i just disapper from his life and he has no idea - not a one.
oh well- in light of what i know now- i am keeping allll my bad thoughts and plans to myself. keeping allllll my options open in life- when my " new road" presents itself- and i know for sure what I want- ta da.
hope you make it th ru the day okay. having your daughter to do it for must be a big help. i can get rite out of myself by helping someone else. last bunch of years i've been helping out my mom- her memory was going and her health (89 yrs) and so on. it was a long worrisome business - i am just empty now- and tired - so we'll see what fugture brings.
good luck- sorry this got long (25 yrs as a legal secre t ary so i can just "chat" away and type as fast as i can think- just wanted to throw in a bit of my history so you know who is writing to you.
it does get "better" - my neices all (two different families) have suffered alot from their parents' divorces. i don 't think these men ever realize what they are doing to the kids - (and us) and how irreversable and unforgettable it all is. in a few years when he wants to be all "lets forgive and forget" with them- t hey will still "know" who and what he was and it will always (i think - i o bserve) taint their future r with him. you cannot just dump people who loveyou and then expect them to forget it - or not know it in the end.
that's going to be the tragedy in his life- when your h realizes you all are/were a huge part of his life and he misses it and wants it and wants to be part of the famly and he had taken himself out of it and done alot of damage to everyone's hert.
retribution i guess = no one comes out of this junk unscathed (imho). oh well - i'll send up a little prayer for your daughters - it's soooo hard on them and sooo undeserved. i cannot imagine.
hang on- good luck - vent here like mad- it'll defuse you.
