Go and see a lawyer the first thing on Tuesday morning after Memorial Day. Inform him/her that your W has decided to file for a D and that you want the L to represent you in all dealings with W. Outline what your non-negotiables are to L. Be sure to emphasize to the L that you want your daughters to stay with you as the primary parent.
DO NOT TELL YOUR W THAT YOU PLAN TO SEE A LAYWER. MUM'S THE WORD.
Then inform W that you've retained a lawyer and all communications regarding D will need to go through your L. Remove yourself from any D-related discussions with your W. If W tries to bring up any discussions, just simply state in a calm and firm manner, "Please communicate with my L directly. Thank you."
Drop your pressure on W as to why she "changed" her mind and how she won't be "fair" to you. Let her go to walk on her own journey. Life will teach her the consequences of her choices...not you.
And yes...you're still blaming FIL for this. Your W has made these choices herself.
I don't think we can get them to see anything they don't want to see, Matt. That's the letting go of control part. They are not ready. They have to do what they have to do, and we just can't help them now. Wish it were different...
^^^Wiseness right there.
Matt, maybe try this: Champion her Dad. Tell W you truly want her to have a great relationship with him. Tell her if she wants D, you won't stand in the way. She's not going to be happy until she gets it, right? So get that part out of the way asap so you both can enter the next chapter of your life. Doesn't mean she won't be part of it...
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Good advice Wonka, I never told her she wouldn't be fair, that is something I was thinking as she said it, not to her. In fact I told her that I do think she will be fair but as I saw with my own eyes how her father and mother had one of the most horrible divorces I have ever heard of let alone seen (he put all the money and assets in his GF name, never paid ANY CS, drug it out for 11 years so the kids would be over 18 when it was final, etc) and now that he's involved it bothers me.
All in all I think I acted fairly well considering what she was saying and why. I didn't say this to her but I really don't think the lawyer her and her dad hired CAN be fair as he works for whoever pays him. This is going to cause problems as she really believes getting a D will be easy and the kids will be happy that mom will finally get what she wants. We will both go off and be friends and she will be so very happy just because she's not married any more. That her life will become easier. That our D will understand that mom having her "freedom" is more important than getting to go to the school she was told she would be going to her whole life (and her sister went to). If our D is angry at her the ONLY reason can be that I said or did things to make her feel that way. My W is so deep in fantasyville she actually thinks anything that doesn't match her fantasy is untrue or made up. This makes dealing with her on any level very hard if not impossible. Our D is so unhappy about how she has been acting since her dad got involved, she stays in her room most of the time when her mom is at home. My W told me this is because she, like her, wants her own space. She's unhappy because she is trapped here with me! Never mind that her and I do things together all the time. When her mom isn't here we stay in the same room most of the time talking and laughing, maybe watching TV but so what, we're together. Besides, she's 14. Most 14 year olds spend a lot of time in their rooms. Of course my W said when she was 14, she never went to her room, she was happy to be with her mom. This after she has told me over and over how she hated having to be the adult with her mom at that age! How she would do anything to get away from her because she was so upset about her divorce. Changing history. I never know from talk to talk what she will decide to change about the past, about our M history, about me. This screams my needing a lawyer of my own.
FY, I told her that I wanted her to have a great relationship with her dad our entire marriage. I put up with him acting in ways and saying things that I never would have put up with if he wasn't her dad. As far has her not being happy until she gets a D that just changed. Up until last week she was happy to just separate. Needing a D to be happy is new. Is this how she will feel in a month? I don't know. I would love to get it over with ASAP but I won't allow her to just do whatever she thinks is right especially when it comes to our D and what is best for her. I know one thing for certain, right now my W doesn't care about anything but getting what she wants for her. That may change in the future but for now she doesn't seem able to think about what is best for anyone but her. As parents it's important to be able to see that what we may want at any given time may not be whats best for the kids and family. Even if her family doesn't include me she still has a family that includes my kids. I really need to be careful. Not allow my hope that she comes to her senses or that she comes out of her MLC some day change the way I handle things. I don't plan on being a jerk or just slowing things down to slow them down but I won't just speed through it either. I do get what you're saying, don't get me wrong. If I try to champion her dad now she will see it as a lie and me trying to manipulate her. She knows how I feel about him and nothing he's done lately would change that for sure! I really think that she needs to go out on her own. I actually would help her do that and that was the plan before.
For now I need to get a lawyer and get my ducks in a row. Other than that I need to just GAL and do what I need to do for me and my kids and not care about her and what she wants.
"I told her that I wanted her to have a great relationship with her dad our entire marriage."
I'm sure you have. But reading your posts here tells a much different story. We all can see you are still putting much of the blame on her dad. My guess is W has no trouble seeing this too. You have to change YOUR attitude about her dad, before W will believe you, which is why I suggested championing him. Yes, she may think it' all just a trick... that's on her. You just keep on being the new you.
"Is this how she will feel in a month? I don't know."
Good point. So let her drive as far as S/D. Just go with the flow. I don't know if you noticed, but many spouses who say they want D, never seem to get around to doing anything about it. All the more reason for you to make your changes and be rock steady consistent about it. More time for her feelings to change.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Good points FY. I have tried to be sympathic about his having to get chemo. I have listened as she talks about how bad she feels about his condition. I have tried to be supportive by not doing anything but just being there for her when she needs to talk.
That is the odd thing. She still comes to me for support and friendship (at least something close to it) and still acts concerned about me, etc. at times. Other times, she's a total bitch. Usually she gets up angry at me and is nicer as the day progresses. She told me before B-day that she lays in bed at night unable to sleep and that is when she starts worrying and thinking she wants to get away. Most of the time she doesn't get much more than a few hours sleep. It's been better since she went back on antidepressants but not much.
I got some disturbing info today. Seems my W has been either lying to me or she has been misled. She told me that the lawyer her father hired is a mediator. That we'll both go see him and "iron" out what we want to do about custody, assets, etc. and he will write up the paperwork taking both our interests equally. Today I found out that isn't close to the truth. Because he has been retained by my FIL, he represents ONLY her interests. In fact, he isn't allowed to do anything or suggest anything to me that he feels isn't in her, his clients, best interest. So, either my W lied to me or she was mislead or she misunderstood. I do know she became angry when I suggested that I needed to see my own lawyer since she had one.
By doing it this way, she has made a simple D all but mpossible, even though that is what she keeps saying she wants. I haven't hired a lawyer yet as I didn't have the funds to afford the one I spoke to as it was the personal lawyer of my bosses family (they are quite welthy and he is expensive). Now I need to find one ASAP that I can afford. I'd really like to know if my W did this purposely. If she did I will know that I can't trust anything she says or does. I think I should tell her this info before she has him file in case she doesn't realize that once he does, he can no longer be a mediator and I will be forced to hire my own lawyer and it will no longer be an "easy" or "fair" process as she says she wants.
Anyone have any thoughts about whether I should say anything or just keep this to myself. I really don't want to believe my W is doing this on purpose. She keeps telling me that she doesn't want to hurt me. Wants to be fair. Do only what's in both our interests, etc. I also don't want to find myself in over my head either!
Since you have already advised her that you are aware of the lawyer situation, I don't see the need to have any more discussions w/her about this. Her father was/is looking out for her best interests and will ensure that she is taken care of legally. Your wife may not have realized what her father had done until you pointed it out to her, but that's water under the bridge since the retainer has been paid and the process is going to be moving forward very soon.
You need to retain a lawyer as soon as possible to protect your own interests in this situation. They all say that they don't want to hurt us and want to be fair, but the bottom line, no one wins in a divorce and someone ends up paying a bit more than the other. Divorce isn't fair and it's costly, both financially, emotionally and mentally to all concerned.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Your right Job. I never pointed out that he can't be a mediator but at this point anything I say is "wrong" no matter what it is so she wouldn't listen anyway. You're right about no winners a much pain but that is something she will need to find out on her own. Thanks Job.
Im coming over here instead of hijacking FY's thread...
First, most of the people on these boards go through some sexless time when they are going through this. It scuks but you will survuve.
Second, and more important. It really is time for you to step off of your soapbox.
Those here are no better or worse than the people who make the decision to leave their M. They are just people making different choices.
Have you been following along with FY's thread? Yesterday almost the entire thread was about him getting blasted for being judgemental. And you come along today and show the same type of thinking.
I dont get it.
These boards are for venting, sharing, support, and most importantly, IMO, learning and growing.
Understand, if you keep holding onto the superiority, the odds are you will be holding onto it alone.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Geez cat, Wasn't speaking to anything you said to him. I happen to think that D is way too prevalent in society today. It makes it seem like it's no big deal. I never once said anyone was wrong to do anything, in fact made sure I was non-judgemental especially about all the people here who are actually trying. How that is being judgemental about anything but a way too permissive "What's in it for me" society I really don't see. It's how I feel. It isn't a judgement about you or anyone in particular. Just my opinion. If FY said something mean in a previous thread or made some kind of judgement about them, I didn't see it and if he did well, that's a shame. I was speaking to him and only him. And by the way, sex is the least of my worries, just was telling him he's not alone there.
These are my opinions, I don't force them on others, I don't live my life one way until it's no longer making me happy. It doesn't make me "superior" any more than you thinking the way YOU do makes you any better than me. I never said there is never a reason to leave a M. I didn't say word one about ANYTHING you have said here or anywhere. I never said people who leave their M are "worse" or those who stay are "better". I certainly never once hinted to being "superior". In fact I may be foolish to think that holding onto values when it seems most of society doesn't is the right thing to do. I stayed out of your interaction with FY as that is between the two of you.
I have learned much since coming here. I was on FY's thread because he had left me a post and I wanted to learn a bit more about him. So, no I wasn't following along. One thing I will never do is change what my core values are. Not because you think having them is somehow judgemental or doesn't line up with what other people think or feel. I read thread after thread where people are suffering because of the cruel or thoughtless actions of WAS's. H's who one day wake up and think that they no longer have any obligation to the people who they swore to "love, honor and cherish" until death. Who no longer seem to care about their kids and the obligations having them entail. W's who decide that life has past them by and want excitement and find living a life as a wife and mother "boring". Almost all seem to want to blame the person that has loved them and stood by them and accept zero blame of their own. Sorry if you find this judgemental but I think that is wrong. We all have choices to make in life, cat. I may choose to do one thing and you another. Some choices are benign. I happen to think that when someone makes choices AFTER making promises not to make that choice. After years of their S making choices based on that person sticking to that promise. When this new choice has extremely negative consequences on everyone around them especially their kids, that is wrong.
If the choice is made after trying, really trying, to make the M better (MC, IC, etc.)and nothing seems to work, that is different. At least an effort was made. But sitch after sitch on here you see S after S who just up and goes. Or who decides some other person can give them what they want and commits adultery. Who empty life savings. That isn't just "people making different choices".
Yes, S's in MLC are going through a "hard time". They are trying to deal with things from their past. All that is true and should be taken into account. But that doesn't make a choice that causes others as much pain as much heartache as much financial difficulty as many of the WAS's do on here just a 'different choice" than the LBS wants.
I try to show as much support for others who are going through a hard time and need that support now more than they ever did before in their lives. If you think that what we need to learn is that any choice that is made is just as right, just as moral as any other, I disagree and doubt I will ever agree. It doesn't make me 'superior" it just means that is how I feel about it. If it means I will end up alone, so be it.
I'm sure you feel very sure of what you believe, that ending a M is just a matter of one's changing their mind about their S. That they have every right to make whatever choice they want for any reason they want and you are entitled to feel that way. I make no judgement just as I wouldn't judge you because you are a different religion than I am. I happen to think there are a few things that are more than a matter of choice. That are so important as to warrant making an effort to change how you may feel at any given moment. Marriage is on the top of my list.
