Why are you allowing W to pressure you to handle this matter? Why don't you tell W to change phones herself!? She needs to learn to deal with this if she wants a D. Make her take care of her own stuff.
Her phone and number is in my name since I signed us up for a family plan on my own which put all 3 lines in my name. She went to trade in her phone and was told I need to release it and the number from my name or she can't. That is way I need to do it. Believe me Wonka, I'd rather she just did it on her own.
Hi cat, She tells me that she was told that she could get a new phone but that if she wants to keep her same number, I have to release it since the number is also under my name. Her dad took her to the phone store and believe me he would have done it if they could.
I have noticed that she seldom does the things she says she so badly needs to do. This has been her MO for everything the past few years. Even when it comes to doing things as a family before B-day. She would tell me she would do something and she just never get around to it. Then she would blame me or tell me I should have "made" her do it. This is why her father being around has speeded up this whole process. He's there to push her along. I'm not saying he ever did or could make her do anything she doesn't want to do, he just pushes her along to take action on whatever she feels she wants at that time.
This is also partly how things got so unbalanced, how I got so caught up in doing things she could and should have been doing for herself or as part of the family "team". I shouldn't have done it so I take responsibility for my part in this. I'm waiting for her to take responsibility for her's. Not holding my breath on that one as I doubt that it will happen for a very long time and not until she has done everything she feels will "fix" her unhappiness first.
You are still trying to figure out what she is thinking, how she feels about her father's cancer, and all of that. When the truth is, you cant really know, right?
But what you do know is that she says she doesnt want to be married. You dont have to agree with it, but, you do have to really hear it.
You arent. Not really. Picture someone trying to get away. You dont want them to, so you grab their pant leg. So, they try harder to get away, then you hold onto tighter. And so it goes.
So, she feels how she feels. In order to honor your marriage and your wife, you need to allow her to walk this journey.
I know its hard to get your mind around. I do. But, if you dont begin to let her go, it will just make it harder all the way around.
YOu need to let go of this thing about her father, too. Doesnt matter if you like him or not. Doesnt matter if he is pushing her through this.
They are both adults. They are going to choose what they do. And no amount of trying to interpret their actions is going to change what is.
Your job is to take care of you and your kids and to get out of the way of her path.
So, the phone thing. Go to the store, do what you have to do. Not your problem what happens after that. She has to figure out how to get the number. It only takes a few minutes for you to do that.
You see how she gets angry when she thinks you are trying to stand in the way of what she thinks she wants?
Just do your thing. Stop trying to continually place the blame on her father. That doesnt really get you anywhere but angry.
Control only your stuff. Leave the rest. She needs to figure her stuff out on her own. You need to let her.
Was going to answer you Worthy but something new has come up. As expected, my W told me today that her father has payed for the lawyer (the only one she says we "need" as he is going to be fair. Yeah, he will be fair to whoever is paying him!) so now she no longer wants to just separate but file for divorce. Until her father got here she was content to separate, keep the health insurance together, it was best for the kids and just see how that went. Now, dad will pay for a lawyer and a place for her to live if she files so that's what she will do.
When I asked her why the change she said because this way, we won't have to pay for a divorce, her dad will! She wanted to know if I would sign a wavier. I said I would but still don't understand why the change. What she said was exactly what I heard her father say to her, word for word. For all of you who tell me not to blame my FIL, I don't. What I blame him for is actively getting into our problems and pushing her to act in a way that, until he inserted himself into the picture, she didn't and said she wouldn't. She is in her tunnel, hiding from the fact that the only thing she can say as to why she wants out of her marriage is she is unhappy. No one who knows us both says they understand why she is doing this and she can't tell them anything that makes sense to them as to how I'm to blame for making her unhappy. Along comes father. He wants her to leave me so she will be free to take care of him as he knows he will need her help. She has wanted him to love and approve of her all her life and never got either. He tells her how right she is to blame me. He never liked me and if she's unhappy well, I'm certainly to blame. She tells him that she doesn't want to move fast, she cares about me and her kids. That she just wants to get away from the sitch and see how that works. We don't have the money to pay for a divorce anyway so..... Dad tells her that he knows that things won't get better. That she needs to just do it and get it over with and if she does, he will pay for the whole thing AND for her to get into a new place of her own. Convinces her that unless she takes him up on his offer, things will only drag on and on. If she doesn't file right now, he won't pay for any of it. So she figures why not file now. What if he's right and things don't get better after she leaves. Never questions why it has to be done right now for him to pay for it. Even if she did he would say because he knows what's best for her and he's doing it out of love and concern for her.
She is now telling me that this isn't moving things that much faster as it will still take "months" to do the paperwork. I asked her am I supposed to just trust that her lawyer is going to do what is best for me? No he is also a mediator and he will sit down with us and we can "hash it out" and he will draw up the paperwork. How I know that she is a "fair" person and she wouldn't ever do anything to hurt me. I told her that may be but her dad is involved and him I don't trust. She says, he's only paying for it, he's not involved! I don't think he can be a mediator if he was already hired as her lawyer and gave her advice. Anyone know about that?
She refused to see a MC. She refused to do anything except say I was the cause of her unhappiness. Every time things started to get better, she would talk to her father and she would go right back to being sure I was the cause. Now she expects me to "trust" that she is a "fair" person? She has said such horrible things about me. She has spewed all over me, blamed me for things that I never did. Acted like a child. Went from telling me that she had no thoughts of leaving before my vasectomy to 12 weeks later saying (and sticking to) I want a D and I won't try to fix anything. Now, she wants me to trust that she will be fair and that I don't need a lawyer and it will just cost more.
I told her that I still don't believe that D is the answer and doubt I ever will. That I really thought that it was a good thing for her to go and get a place of her own and live on her own for a while and to see if that had an effect on not only whether she was happy but her being so sure I was to blame for making her feel that way. That if I knew she was going to do this as quickly as she is now I would have done many things differently. For her part, she just said she 'changed" her mind and that is all.
I hate the constant saying one thing and changing her mind and thinking there is nothing wrong with that. I hate the fact that she really thinks I should trust her to be "fair" after all she has said and done. I hate that it took me so long to find DB and I wasted so much time doing all the wrong things. Most of all I hate the person she has become. The selfishness, the not caring about any of the things she cared so much about in the past. The way she acts like a child and blames me for every bad feeling she has. I'm really trying hard not to think bad thoughts about her, wish her ill, wish her father ill. I'm trying not to hate her. That may be the hardest thing right at this min.
Hi Matt - I haven't followed all of the details of your sitch, but I'm familiar. Reading this today from you - this is how I'm feeling too today. I could have written your last paragraph about my H too. Some days are like that. Maybe harder for you because you still see her regularly. Mine has now gone AWOL. Only communication is e-mail, and only when necessary. So in some ways, I envy you, that you still have some opportunities to DB. Probably seems almost impossible to you today, but maybe tomorrow you'll feel differently. I don't have any words of advice right now, but only that you're not alone, believe me. We're all going through this together, and pulling for each other. Nothing lasts forever, even our troubles. Who said that recently, maybe TL72? Wise words...I hope the rest of this week is better for you and me both.
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
I'm feeling the same today. Must be in the air. Mine is like LiveNow - pretty much nc. But that was my choice. I couldn't take the bs anymore. So only contact is regarding d15 which is pretty much none. Hoping your day is getting better.
Thanks LiveNow. If only we could get them to see how awful they are being. How someday they may just wake up and regret what they have done and are still doing and move them along to the end faster. I know my W and if she does this she will never be able to admit she made a mistake no matter what happens. She will never be able to face me if she has pushed divorce especially since she will also have to admit her father was wrong as well.
Yeah, and pride will stand in the way of my H ever admitting he made a mistake sometime down the road. I also think pride is in the way now -- he has been telling people for 1 year he's ending the marriage, that there was no hope, so he probably feels he has to start DOING something about it, that if he doesn't, people will start asking him, pressuring him, and he'll look crazy (which he is)...
I don't think we can get them to see anything they don't want to see, Matt. That's the letting go of control part. They are not ready. They have to do what they have to do, and we just can't help them now. Wish it were different...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
