Hoping to find my way

[Wonka]

Thornton,

Just to give you a perspective.

Bond's W did not speak to him for 3 YEARS and now they're reconciled. Do you have the chops to do this?

Ms. Wonka didn't talk, speak, write or send up smoke signals to me for 4 solid months.

[Thornton]

Wonka, would you mind providing some friendly advice?

I've been NC since bomb (2 weeks ago). Everyone seems to think this is the correct thing to do. But I'm feeling like I'm just stuck in limbo not knowing how to switch up my strategy.

WAW still has a lot of her things at my house and lists me as her boyfriend on FB. I'm just so confused.

[ItHurts]

Thornton, BAD BOY! How do you know what's on her FB. I could care less what's on my WAW's right now. I probably don't want to know. You shouldn't look my friend, as tempting as it is. As far as avoiding places you went to with WAW...as I said, purposely go there and get it over with...then the "first" time is done! I actually think it's a good thing all this time went by for you in NC, I wish my WAW didn't show up last week...we would've been almost 2 weeks ourselves and I wish it has stayed that way. I don't want to talk to her when she's in this WAW fog anyway.

[Wonka]

Thornton,

What "strategy" are you talking about here??! It sounds like you're trying to play Risk or Monopoly here and contemplating your next "move". That isn't how DBing works.

I went back a bit on your thread and it seems that your W is struggling with alcoholism at this stage. Right? What would be the appropriate thing for you to do right there?

Not sure...isn't your W involved with OM at all? I might have missed that one.

[Thornton]

Thanks IH and Wonka.

Divorce Remedy says to experiment and monitor results. But it doesn't mention how to do that while in NC.

My WAW is sober but has been struggling with depression, anger etc and is not in treatment. She quit AA months ago. WHile she's not drinking, she's been mentally struggling.

There is no OM, I simply don't think she is in the right frame of mind to be dating. Prior to bomb, she was home on time everyday and spent weekends with me and our girls. She also wanted me to get her an engagement ring 3 days prior to bomb and we were actively looking at houses with our realtor.

Everyone thinks its some bi-polar episode, although I've never seen her exhibit behavior like this before. I've researched AA websites and they frequently talk about "dry drunk syndrome". She's sober but sick right now.

[Thornton]

Wonka - how did you manage NC for 4 months? Had you given up on your marriage at that point? How was contact reestablished?

[Wonka]

Thornton,

I get what you mean about experimenting and monitoring results. Vastly different from using strategy in "winning back your W."

She is on her own journey. It seems that with alcoholics that there are many fits and starts in the process. They have to hit rock bottom or really want to be healthy in order to receive the necessary help. Yes, that must be hard for you to stand by and watch W go through this...yet it needs to happen in order for her to learn how to be a healthy person. If you're in her way all the time "helping" her, she won't be able to learn some valuable lessons herself. Right?

You asked me about how I managed Ms. Wonka's radio silence for so long...GAL and being busy helped a long way towards that process. In fact, I took up golfing as a new hobby and I loooove it!! When Ms. Wonka was told that I took up golfing, she was very surprised and did appear a bit intrigued by it.

Just to be clear...Ms. Wonka and I are NOT reconciled. That's ok. I am fine and dandy with a hot new girl.

I chipped away at the Berlin Wall by sending photos of our dog and sending her updates about fun stuff the dog was up to....all short and neutral.

[Thornton]

Thanks so much Wonka. I really appreciate you taking the time to post on my sitch.

[Ggrass]

Thanks buddy. I'll remember that the next time I have to go shopping or whatever.

I find myself trying to avoid places that remind me of her but that's not always easy.

I guess I'm just concerned that I'll never get a second shot at this. Most everyone here has some type of contact with their WAW. Mine has gone radio silent. I'm having a hard time maintaining a PMA.

The book says to monitor results and adjust as necessary. I have nothing to monitor, or even try to monitor.

Except me and my h! He is running faster than road runner in fact I doubt he's even noticed before I was trying to keep it friendly, but he wasn't Initiating period. So I dropped it. Apart from an 2/5 email i had to cc him on for service club as he's president. Nothing. In fact he refused to do his job for the service club because it included perhaps speaking to me.

[Spartan]

Thor (if Mach calls you that it's good enough for me)

First off grats on having Mach and Cat and some of the other vets post on your thread. Listen to what they say. I can say without a doubt Mach saved my life and led me down a path to making me start being the person I want to be. Sorry Mach some things took longer than they should have because I was a little bullheaded at times. You won't like everything he says but know the things the vets say that sting are usually the ones you need to look at.

With all that I wanted to try to get this thread back to being about you and only you. Your fiancé has a lot to work through but like it or not she has to walk her path by herself unless she decides she wants someone with her (no matter where her path leads). Right now you have to concentrate on you.

So...what did you do this Memorial Day weekend for you? When I was at your stage and obsessed with the fear of the situation and the missing of my (now) ex wife and wondering what she was thinking I poured myself into reading self help type books (on love, relationships, codependency, etc...) because growing up I never understood or saw the right way to do things. It wasn't easy because that's when I started realizing I had a bigger part to play in what was happening than I originally believed.

I also started golfing again, and forcing myself to try new things. You just have to force yourself to take the first step and start doing things on that list of yours. Next step , and this was a really hard one for me personally was to stop thinking whether this DB strategy is working to bring her back. That's the wrong way to be looking at things. As Mach said, right now it's all about fixing you and you do have issue that need addressing before you could even think about reconciling. Seriously, what have you changed, and I mean full on to the core changed, about you that would make things different if she walked through the door right now? You have lots of time. It's hard as hell to do and we've all lived it but you have to stop thinking and worrying about her and you have to start working on you. If there was a pill I would give it to you but there isn't, you just have to do it. You take the hard days for what they are and push through them and before you know it you have less and less of them.

Also...try to go a couple days without posting about her on here and the struggles she's going through. When you're retelling her story you're thinking about her. We'll ask if we need some background type stuff. Let's just talk about you for a few days. Your fears, your hangups, your feelings, the reason you feel entitled. There are a lot of onions there that need to be peeled back.