Was going to answer you Worthy but something new has come up. As expected, my W told me today that her father has payed for the lawyer (the only one she says we "need" as he is going to be fair. Yeah, he will be fair to whoever is paying him!) so now she no longer wants to just separate but file for divorce. Until her father got here she was content to separate, keep the health insurance together, it was best for the kids and just see how that went. Now, dad will pay for a lawyer and a place for her to live if she files so that's what she will do.
When I asked her why the change she said because this way, we won't have to pay for a divorce, her dad will! She wanted to know if I would sign a wavier. I said I would but still don't understand why the change. What she said was exactly what I heard her father say to her, word for word. For all of you who tell me not to blame my FIL, I don't. What I blame him for is actively getting into our problems and pushing her to act in a way that, until he inserted himself into the picture, she didn't and said she wouldn't. She is in her tunnel, hiding from the fact that the only thing she can say as to why she wants out of her marriage is she is unhappy. No one who knows us both says they understand why she is doing this and she can't tell them anything that makes sense to them as to how I'm to blame for making her unhappy. Along comes father. He wants her to leave me so she will be free to take care of him as he knows he will need her help. She has wanted him to love and approve of her all her life and never got either. He tells her how right she is to blame me. He never liked me and if she's unhappy well, I'm certainly to blame. She tells him that she doesn't want to move fast, she cares about me and her kids. That she just wants to get away from the sitch and see how that works. We don't have the money to pay for a divorce anyway so..... Dad tells her that he knows that things won't get better. That she needs to just do it and get it over with and if she does, he will pay for the whole thing AND for her to get into a new place of her own. Convinces her that unless she takes him up on his offer, things will only drag on and on. If she doesn't file right now, he won't pay for any of it. So she figures why not file now. What if he's right and things don't get better after she leaves. Never questions why it has to be done right now for him to pay for it. Even if she did he would say because he knows what's best for her and he's doing it out of love and concern for her.
She is now telling me that this isn't moving things that much faster as it will still take "months" to do the paperwork. I asked her am I supposed to just trust that her lawyer is going to do what is best for me? No he is also a mediator and he will sit down with us and we can "hash it out" and he will draw up the paperwork. How I know that she is a "fair" person and she wouldn't ever do anything to hurt me. I told her that may be but her dad is involved and him I don't trust. She says, he's only paying for it, he's not involved! I don't think he can be a mediator if he was already hired as her lawyer and gave her advice. Anyone know about that?
She refused to see a MC. She refused to do anything except say I was the cause of her unhappiness. Every time things started to get better, she would talk to her father and she would go right back to being sure I was the cause. Now she expects me to "trust" that she is a "fair" person? She has said such horrible things about me. She has spewed all over me, blamed me for things that I never did. Acted like a child. Went from telling me that she had no thoughts of leaving before my vasectomy to 12 weeks later saying (and sticking to) I want a D and I won't try to fix anything. Now, she wants me to trust that she will be fair and that I don't need a lawyer and it will just cost more.
I told her that I still don't believe that D is the answer and doubt I ever will. That I really thought that it was a good thing for her to go and get a place of her own and live on her own for a while and to see if that had an effect on not only whether she was happy but her being so sure I was to blame for making her feel that way. That if I knew she was going to do this as quickly as she is now I would have done many things differently. For her part, she just said she 'changed" her mind and that is all.
I hate the constant saying one thing and changing her mind and thinking there is nothing wrong with that. I hate the fact that she really thinks I should trust her to be "fair" after all she has said and done. I hate that it took me so long to find DB and I wasted so much time doing all the wrong things. Most of all I hate the person she has become. The selfishness, the not caring about any of the things she cared so much about in the past. The way she acts like a child and blames me for every bad feeling she has. I'm really trying hard not to think bad thoughts about her, wish her ill, wish her father ill. I'm trying not to hate her. That may be the hardest thing right at this min.
