Yesterday, In the car together & between clients, I stated that I needed a coffee, would he drive up & get one. At the same time, another client called and said he was at our location. He put the client off for 1/2 hour so we could have coffee time together. During coffee time, we bickered about petty work stuff.
Later, well after client left. I went fishing for a compliment. I asked him if he liked my hair (as I changed it from usual for the day for a wedding). He said it was nice and he liked the way I looked and thats how he was able to be with me for 20 years. He appeared a little jealous that I was going to a wedding, and that I might meet someone. I said "ya, who knows". Playful. He said I might meet a little band man (he is quite tall)...(this in reference to my x-friend that I trusted who intentionally was trying to sabotage any chances for reconciliation). I went eye to eye to clarify, that I was NOT ever interested in that guy. THIS, turned into R talk.
He commented that he missed our time spent, travelling, home time, sunday car rides, coffees by the pool, etc. He missed our sex life & would love to just throw me down, etc. I said that his actions don't match his words. I also said, that ya sounds like a good time, but I want more than an f-buddy. He admitted too that sex was fun, but he wants companionship. Again, his actions don't match his words. He feels overwhelmed with work & home responsibility. That there isn't enough time at the end of the day to socialize. He would love to go sit on a patio, etc. I asked with who? He initially said "with someone". I asked specifically who? He said me or one of his 2 guy friends. (I know he is missing our fun times...so why is he doing this???) I tried to validate by knowing and understanding his responsibilities but asked can he not manage to have both (social & work life)? <<< this brings me to one of our MAJOR problems, he is envious of my social life & he feels angry that he works, while I go off and play. He points it out to me often & even though we are separated.
Several times the convo ended by natural causes, phone, washroom, off topic.... I should have let it go, but I didn't... I wanted to hear more. (Ya, I know!!)
So, I pursued. I leaned into the convo appearing eager (I am sure), I started saying things like "I don't know about him" ... He replied with "I wasn't asking". Statements like I think he needs to figure himself out & what he wants. That he should spend more time thinking. He says he does & thats how he comes up with missing us, etc., but then he gets so overwhelmed with work. He wants a lightening bolt to strike with a direction for him. Right now, priority is the state of our business and that we likely have only 2 more months at this location, which means we must work work work & sell off inventory. (this means being available at ALL times for client appts).
He then asked me to look into his eye, he had hurt it the other day and wanted me to see if there were any scratches, etc. I placed my hand on his shoulder & looked in his eyes. I think at one point he wanted to place his arm around my leg, but held back. I sat down, but noticed a funny mark on his leg and asked him about it. He was bugged by this mark along with a new white spot up near his eye. I went over to his leg, and just picked it off... it was fine. He was relieved.
At this point, I was starting to feel that I knew I was divulging too much/telling him too much of my position. Allowing him to see where I stood. I felt that if I kept going, that I could say the right thing, he will ask to reconcile.... (FOOL!!).
I just kept saying things like I don't know if he has what it takes for my needs. He said he understood what I want & he didn't know if he has it either. I said that I wanted the guy back who loved & appreciated me (the beginning of our rel'p). I said that I needed to see his actions. Again, stating that I don't know about him... and him repeating that he wasn't asking me (with confidence).
*** I am trying to make it sound pretty bad here*** I am trying to be truthful.
AT this point, a friend of his showed up & were chatting about work, etc. & how he might just show up at the wedding (to see pretty bridesmaids). I jokingly said "if you had played your cards right, that he could have come with me".
It was getting close for me to go, so hopped in my car & asked him to come speak to me. Again, I tried to reiterate that he needs to figure stuff out, and that I don't know if he doesn't know. We were then interrupted by a phone call. I left.
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I am beating myself up today. Please send gentle 2x4's & hugs...?? Please advise me where to go from here. I feel like I lost some self respect. I soooo wanted to text him back yesterday to again "clarify" my position. But my daughter and my friend stopped me. <<< this is something that I would ALWAYS do, chase back to clarify my point (bull dog), when I feel like I didn't get my point across (or get my way). So, I really twisted feeling unsettled.
Please tell me if there were *any* positives in that convo.... ???
~~~~~~~~~~~~ The wedding was fabulous. Both daughter & I looked great. Tons of food, drinks, met a new "older" couple & exchanged numbers, danced.
Magic
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
