Starting to get it

[mustardseed]

SO I guess my answer to my last question about how to do this without feeling lonely or sad was to just notice when he is acting like a jerk, and realizing I don't want to be with that jerk.

He is like a teenager sometimes. He avoids having conversations with me like I have the plague or something. I only initiate when they are related to the kids. So the day before D11 birthday I was whispering to him what I got her from us and he seem repulsed that I was so close to him--maybe I was reading into it so much and it was just that tickling sensation you get when someone is near your ear who knows. But the next day he did a nice thing by packing up the ices D11 wanted to take to school for her birthday, but he put them in the car without telling me. He couldn't even drop me a simple text giving me the heads up. When I noticed the ices weren't in the freezer D11 said dad had taken them. I assumed he brought them to the school--he takes S12 down to school earlier so it made sense.

on my lunch break I get a nasty text accusing me of forgetting the ices. My response was, "I didn't know they were in the car, I'll run them down to the school now". His response, "The are melted by now. I'll take care of it." Like the big Fing hero. My normal MO was always to just let it go. And most likely I would end up apologizing eventually. But once again I learned a new boundary. So I responded saying, Next time please tell me if you put something in the car before I leave for work." His response, "next time ask". I responded, "How would I even know to ask?" I mean really. Everyday I am supposed to ask, "did you put something in the car I need to drop off at school?" give me a break. He continued to make it my failure and I disengaged. We really haven't spoken much since, and I have been kind of ok with that. He is really reminding me of a teenager, not giving me any information and then blaming me for not knowing.

Then I overheard him talking to my daughter (probably for my benefit) about the fact that she missed his mother's birthday call. He said, "she probably called during all of the CHAOS". The chaos being her three friends and my parents having cake and pizza in our home. No acknowledgment that she probably called the home phone, which the kids have been trained never to answer (none of us ever answer it) because there are so many collections calls coming in all the time. And when the TV is off we don't see the caller ID. But he just had to put in a dig about how much he despises having people over--unless they are there for him.

And I realized, I don't want to live like that. I always imagined having the go-to house, filled with kids and people just stopping by--that's how I grew up and I liked it. I had to give that up because of his grouchiness which has only gotten worse. He is to the point of hating just about everyone. He made it clear to me a few weeks ago that he doesn't want to do any outings or functions anymore. So even if we stay married I will never have a date. At first I thought, yeah, but he is worth it. But now I see that he really isn't. He went away this weekend and the kids are spending time with the grandparents, so for the first time in (maybe forever) I had the whole house to myself overnight. And I liked it. I miss the kids, but the peace and quiet, the ability to just let my emotions cycle through me freely, and the aloneness has made me really productive calm.

I realized that I have been his yo-yo for the past year and I have finally cut the string. He isn't what I want anymore. Right now he has no redeeming qualities that make this limbo worth it.

I sent out more resumes. I have to find a better job. So my newest self-help focus is to get past that "I'm not good enough" pit that blocks me from landing the job I am highly qualified for but always held myself back from with excuses. I am reading Wayne Dyer "Excuses BEgone!" and I hope it helps. I realize I am inspired and confident right up until the moment I sit down to do what needs to be done. I also noticed in the interview I had last week, about half way through, that I was not selling myself for the position I want but instead speaking from the perspective of the position I already have. Once I recognized it (by the interviewer offering me basically the same job I am doing now with my current organization, but at half the pay--with the option of moving up) I changed my tune and I noticed a change in how she saw me from that point forward, but the damage was already done. Oh well, live and learn. I just hope I get more bites. Getting interviews is the hard part. But even with just the application process. I recognize that pit in my chest. The part that says, "no one is even going to look at this anyway, they already know who they are hiring and the posting is just a formality, all I have is X experience and they only want someone who has already has xxx experience, blah blah blah. All of those self-defeating mantras. Hopefully now that I recognize it I can turn it around.

My main goal right now--get a better paying job and start putting money away so we can move out. Because whether we separate or stay together one thing H and I definitely agree on is that we don't want to live here anymore.