Hoping to find my way

[cat04]

Thorton,

I am glad that you are working on yourself. Regardless of the outcome of your sitch, identifying and working on your own issues will make for your future be much brighter.

Something I am extremely experienced in dealing with is alcoholics. I wish I could NOT say that, however, my life has been filled with them. My father's side of the family, my X inlaws, my stepmother and her family...

Some got sober, some didn't.

One thing I learned is that most of the time, people don't just become alcoholics (at least severe alcoholics) because drinking gets out of control or simply "takes over".

Generally, they drink as a way to escape something deeper. It isn't necessarily a conscious decision, in fact, I think they learn that it makes them feel better through the casual act of drinking at the beginning.

My stepmother, drank more whenever she had to deal with her father.

Her father, who she shamefully admitted she hated. Her father, who she wished dead often. Her father, who she did not want to have to take care of when he got old and sick.

All thoughts and feelings that she felt extremely guilty about even though she has good reason to have them.

Her father, who sexually, physically, verbally, and emotionally abused all 6 of his children.

Drinking allowed her to avoid those feelings. It allowed her to function around him. It allowed her to NOT deal with her feelings about the real issues. It also played a large roll in what killed her at the age of 60.

My X inlaws, drank for similar reasons. And haven't stopped drinking for similar reasons.

My own family, began drinking for reasons that were not so horrific. Although the habit of drinking gets returned to with many of them, whenever something emotional that they do not want to deal with arises. Because it's easier than dealing with the actual emotions.

A dry drunk, doesn't drink. They are not sober though. And they are miserable. Initially it may be because they miss the drink. Because they are angry that something like that could have that much control over their lives instead of the other way around.

I believe it continues because they aren't, can't, or don't want to deal with whatever issues cause them to drink. And the real negative feelings come from those issues.

You haven't said much about your W's (GF's) past, her upbringing, etc, other than her relationship with her mother, so I have nothing to base this on besides my gut feeling and my own experience.

I think your W's issues are deeper than simply being a dry drunk. I think she would have continued the program that she started if she had been willing to dig deep. I think she ran from that because she doesn't want to look at what is underneath.

All of that being said, it doesn't change what you need to do. It doesn't change the fact that you need to work on yourself and your issues. Your W may or may not choose to work on hers. She may or may not choose to drink again.

I hope you will continue on your journey. I hope you will let Mach help you because there will be things that he (and others) say that you absolutely don't like. Mach likes you, he called you a bonehead...

(BTW Mach, that is MY name for people)

Be open. Be honest. And see where this path leads...