Barrybran - New Thread

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

I've had a fairly eventful uneventful day today. I've worked the last five days and I was looking forward to having a day off to unwind. I was so tired from starting at 6am the past two days that I went to bed at 9:30pm last night and didn't wake until 8am this morning.

The kids weren't at home and my wife was still asleep so I tidied up some dishes before heading to the gym. I got home and my wife was in a bit of a mood. I went on with my morning, showered and went back into town. I had some breakfast at a cafe in town, bought a couple of things I needed for home and I was just about to head home when my wife sent me a text message I wasn't expecting:

W: I just had a thought. This is about the time that you would consider dating someone else, so I'll get on the front foot. If you are, I think there should be ground rules/boundaries when it comes to introducing them to the kids.
1: They are never to stay under this roof while the kids are here or whilst I am;
2: Give me the courtesy heads up so I don't get blind sided like last time from someone asking me who you're kissing;
3: Actually they will NEVER come to this house while we are living under the same roof;
4: Do not introduce them to the kids unless it's a serious relationship.
If you have any issues with this feel free to talk to me.

I was surprised mostly because I know she's been talking quite a bit with potential OM and I still don't know what their relationship is. I was expecting this conversation to come up if/when she wanted to date again. I wasn't expecting her to think I would be sneaking around again. I replied as follows:

Me: They're very well thought out rules. I am not and won't be dating anyone. Whilst my past actions and our current situation suggest otherwise, I am committed to this marriage.

W: Well talking of past actions I've noticed you've removed yourself from the other living room a fair bit more now. I'm not sure you realise this is how it started last time. You retreated away from the kids and myself at the time and poured yourself into the disgusting circumstances that lead to this separation. You're doing it again so that serves well to show that's probably what you're up to. I'm just trying to get on the front foot so I'm not gobsmacked when it turns out you're seeing someone whilst under the same roof again.

W: Pointing it out if you can't see it.

W: Kids notice it too btw.

Me: Thank you for pointing it out. I can see how you would think that my withdrawal this time could result in another infidelity. You have access to my phone, computer and accounts any time you like.

I understand why she thought of this. I've spent a LOT of time in my bedroom lately. I make it a point to be in the secondary living area while the kids are around. They choose to be in the main living room with Mum rather than spending time with me. Once the kids are in bed, I retreat to my bedroom. This was to try and give my wife space without moving out and I feel that has been beneficial. A few days ago, my wife arrived home to find I wasn't there and I arrived from a walk a few minutes later. She queried this as I was wearing jeans. It was a cold day and a nice walk. Today, I wasn't around when she woke up and took off again after my shower. She's not used to me not being here.

While she was messaging me I decided to go to the park instead of going home. I needed time to think and it was such a lovely day. I am so glad I did. I really enjoyed my time at the park. After about an hour I went home and throughout the afternoon I played video games in between loads of clothes washing. My wife had the day off too so aside from briefly helping her clean out the freezer, I kept to myself despite the concerns she raised earlier.

She has just left for the evening to set up for a quiz night the daycare is hosting. I'll have the house to myself and I'll be watching my football team play. Surprisingly, my wife asked if i could give her and her friends a lift to the venue later so she didn't have to leave her car there. Lately she has been going out and leaving her car at her friend's place and figuring out logistics the next morning. Asking for my help, be it to check out lumps on her neck, wash hair dye off her neck, bring towels for the freezer or get a lift from me to go somewhere is all different behaviour from the "I hate Barrybran" I've received over the past couple of months.

I feel that telling her I'm not dating anyone and remaining committed to a marriage she isn't interested in may be showing my cards. I'm comfortable with telling her this as I felt for the first time that it came from my core in a "this is who I am and what I stand for" kind of way. I don't feel comfortable moving into the living area my wife spends time in as I feel it would be forcing the issue. My wife knows where I am and has increasingly called out to me if she needs or wants to know something.

I have thought about asking her out to dinner or to go for a walk recently purely as a "let's go do this. If you don't come, I'm going anyway" deal. Once I had this thought I put some more thought into it and I'm not really ready to do this yet. I want to be more comfortable doing my own things, particularly on my days off when my kids aren't around, and I still have some work to do on my finances, including owing my wife money. On that, I've asked her twice now to let me know what I owe her and she hasn't responded nor has she asked for it. I've paid her back what I know and I'll pay back the remainder when I know the amount.

So all in all, there's a fair bit of what appears to be softening from my wife's side. She can still be quite cold and distant and she's still very protective of her things: clothes, phone/computer, chores, car, etc. She has spoken to me more often, asked my opinion more often, expressed excitement to me more often and asking for my help with things is a big one. Where her head is at I don't know. I know that I'm in it for my family and I'm very happy with where I'm at despite the work I have left to do.

If you've stuck around until the end of this post, you've done well. I'll go and get you a drink!