I finally mentioned the idea of therapy for D7 to H. I sent a text that said, I want to take D7 to see a therapist. He called me a few minutes later. First, he told me that he wasn't feeling well and was leaving work early. Then he complained that being sick was interfering with his weekend plans. Finally, he brought up my therapy statement. We had this conversation:
H: So, you think D7 should see a therapist?
Me: Yes.
H: Why?
Me: I just think that from some of the things she is saying that she's having a harder time dealing with all this than she lets on and it could be beneficial for her to have a professional to help her cope with the transition. I think it would have been really helpful for me to have that when my parents split up.
H: OK, I agree with that.
Me: Good. I'm glad we both see it as potentially beneficial.
H: My therapist does play therapy and kid stuff, so we could just take D7 to see her.
Me: I'm not comfortable with that.
H: Why not?
Me: Because you are her client already, so she wouldn't be the unbiased third party that D7 needs.
H: My therapist has never said anything about you or D7 with any bias.
Me: That's not what I meant. I mean that she may not be impartial because she already has been treating you. I would rather find someone else.
H: OK. You don't need to over-explain.
Me: I'm not trying to over-explain. I just want us to agree on what is best for D7.
H: You don't need to explain at all. If you aren't comfortable, I respect that. I would hope you would do the same.
I think the conversation went well. I found a therapist that I really like, so I'm going to send her name to H as a courtesy to see if he has an objection. The truth is, I can't stand H's IC. I just don't think she's a very good therapist. She's said things that have led H to believe that she agrees that getting a D will help him to become a "better man." He knows that I dislike her, but I think I did a decent job of making the focus on what is best for D7. My sister thinks my feelings about H's IC are really displaced anger. She's probably right.
The conversation after that did not go well. H told me he finally finished reading a book I asked him to read months ago (ILYBINILWY). He told me that he found it very insightful and that he thought it could be really helpful with giving us a fresh start in the future if we get back together, but that it wasn't changing his mind. I said something like, "Of course it isn't." He asked what I expected. I very honestly told him that I didn't expect anything because he's given me no reason whatsoever to expect anything different. It did not go well. I got angry and he got defensive. Oh well. Tomorrow's another day.
Really, today was one of those days when I couldn't figure out why I was standing in the first place. He just isn't someone I'm interested in right now. He is selfish and doesn't have the same values as me anymore. If I were choosing a new partner today, he wouldn't be on the list of contenders. And even saying that, I still want to save my marriage. Sometimes I wonder if the desire to save my marriage is really more about me doing the right thing because I believe it to be the right thing than it is about wanting to be married to my H. That thought makes me sad.
