New therapist and moving on......

[twinmom]

Thanks, my GAl is pretty good. Always had been, actually when the twins were first born H would get almost jealous that I had such a huge group of amazing friends. They threw me a huge baby shower, constantly came over/called/met up with me when I was on bed rest and after when I was adjusting to 4 kids and twins. He eventually realized that my friends are like my sisters and we are very close. H has one or two friends, knows a lot of people but usually only hangs out with his brothers.

H made the comment that this pregnancy is EASY (physically) for me. Actually it's the hardest, but he isn't here to see it or help me and I don't tell him about the issues.

I just don't feel comfortable doing the whole labor/delivery thing with friends..... I have always been a very private person when it comes to that. And I am way too independent to ask for help with things like driving me home from the hospital. I am very capable of doing that and would never bother anyone with that.

Owl777, thank you. I used a DB coach in the beginning and didn't get very far. It was actually a huge waste of $$ because as long as H is in fairy tale land with OW it doesn't matter how great I am.

I'm really sorry you feel that way. My DB coach was a Godsend. I found the single best thing I did during my DB ordeal, was to have a DB coach. She helped me create a new better life for myself and my kids and I had an internal timeline she helped me set, for h to make his mind up. I operated under the assumption he would NOT come back. But I had a d1 in high school and figured when she graduated, I'd be done. (Bills were for the most part, still being paid so my financial pressures were a bit distant but I knew they were there. I did have some breathing room, however).

My DB coach helped me find my best self, and I became a happier person for it. Turns out that helped me engage in more attractive behaviors b/c frankly, I was happier and it was NOT all about getting my h back. More like getting myself back. I released my h to his "mission" and hoped, but did not "expect" him to return or wake up.

But he did, and after several months and our d1 graduating and going off to college, we began to piece. Just saying that DB coaches do more than help you "get a spouse back" b/c really this is about saving ourselves and maybe, hopefully, saving a marriage and family.

I am an only child and no my mom is really not a part of my life. I have a great group of friends but they have their husbands/kids/jobs too. \


I know you are pregnant and it's hard to GAL. But you will need to, at some point. It's the only way to detach. And that is for your protection.

I honestly don't even know how I feel about H right now. I do know that I want this relationship with OW to fall apart even if we don't eventually work things out. Unfortunately that's the only thing I am completely sure of right now.


It's also something you have NO CONTROL over and the more energy you spend on issues over which you lack control, the more time you are wasting.


Anyone have any advice for what to say when H asks me "what's wrong?" When I sound sad/quiet on the phone...... I want to reach through the phone and do the V-8 smack to his head and say wtf do you think is wrong you a$&

Last week or so he asked in a text and I told him to stop asking me what was wrong like he actually gave a fu$@ about me, to which he replied "sorry" but he asked again yesterday on the phone. It drives me CRAZY!

I got lots of "HAPPY talk" from h when he'd call from Alaska...I recall once he mentioned that he'd been "so inactive" that he realized maybe he was "clinically depressed" what with being all alone up there and noticing we had NOT followed him...it's hard to hear and weird, too. So, per my DB coach's advice,

Be too busy to talk on the phone when he asks idiot questions like that. You are radiating your pain and as justified as it is to feel pain (and it is), it is also not going to help. Of course if the talk is going well, do the hardest thing ever and

a) LOSE the anger in front of him b/c it simply does NOT HELP YOU...it only fuels his rationalizing for his departure. "See? She's so nasty/whiny/critical/always mad"

and b) listen like a lover. That means you Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does, and you stay upbeat. I found that exceedingly difficult, like Mother Teresa hard...

However, You need to keep the road home, paved & smooth. If he is sure you can never forgive him, what's the point of him ever trying?

OTOH, you have to operate under the assumption he's not coming back, but that you will be happy anyhow.

An author once told me that when men feel guilty, they attack. I think she's right. You have to somehow project the serene pregnant mom and be happy about the kids and
essentially let him know two things: 1) the kids are growing fast and happily (i.e. HE is missing out, but you never say that outright)
and
2) you have had a huge awakening, and you now see that you are going to be just fine with or without him.

Make sense? He won't ask what is wrong b/c you will be upbeat when he calls ---but too busy to talk long, so you'll end the conversation on a positive (like something you and the kids "and a friend" (a friend HE doesn't know) will be doing, like the zoo or a park nearby).
If he still somehow asks you what is wrong, anyhow, you can say "nothing is wrong here, I just have places to go. Talk to you later!" and be warm but, you know, too busy to reassure HIM...

Also, just as women who cheat on men in combat get a special hatred from society, a certain disapproval, men who cheat on pregnant wives get it too. it's awfully hard to explain that away...
don't assume he's guilt free. But when he asks YOU to reassure him that you are fine,

as counter intuitive as it seems to be, complaining that you are not fine at all, won't help you.

You don't have to lie, per se. But you do have to give him something to miss, and he won't miss a miserable pregnant wife.

Get some support going too, you'll need it. Who can you go to or what resources are in your area?

You don't have a lot of time before the baby comes...what can you plan for, now?