Working on myself

[Mic]

Yesterday was one of the hardest days of this sich so far and of my life actually.
On Wednesday I spoke with my attorney and found out the parenting settlement that I thought we had agreed to the following week - H decided he wanted to change it. We live in a very small town and he runs it politically.
He doesn't want me to leave our town or move far away. He first stated because the schools are excellent. I countered with private schools. He stated he doesn't believe in private schools. Yes he can afford it:) Oldest will be in 2nd grade next year, middle first year of preschool. I found 9 school districts rated as high or higher than ours. I stated that I was willing to stay within a 30 minute radius of our town. He countered back from his attorney with that is to far for him to drive and I am taking him away from the children on purpose so it will be my fault if he doesn't get to be a part of their lives. He also decided he's not real happy with the timing and may not agree (I think that part is still up in the air. These along with other smaller issues in the parenting agreement are non-negotiable. We ended up having to start the parenting investigation yesterday. It started with a 4 hour interview with the both of us. Awful.
I spent the morning moving more stuff out of the farm. Most of the animals will be placed and moved by Sunday. Every day is another huge loss. To be honest after yesterday I felt like I cannot take one more loss.
Back to the day and I'm sure I didn't practice DB at all yesterday and I let my emotions get the best of me. I cried through most of the interview while he was calm and collected and never showed any emotion.
We had to start out talking about how we met and why we got married. He stated and this still hurts (will this hurt ever stop -a complete rejection of me) that he "really,really, really likes me. She is a great person, I trusted her and she was my best friend. I never felt that I would find anyone better than her so I asked her to marry me but I knew even then that I did not have that romantic feeling for her that I should have." He kept hoping it would come. She asked how after 3 children and 8 years of marriage it never came. He said that is what our marriage counselor said - he stated no one understands his point of view. Our counselor said "that's a new one - I want to be happy. She then looked at me and said "Who knew that gambling or infidelity would be a good thing - related to his statement that it would have made more sense if he or I had one of those issues but that it was just their was no "romantic love" there. He then said I pushed him into getting married because we had dated for 3 years.(I did ask - we then broke up - I went to Costa Rica for a trip was looking for a house and contemplating being artificially inseminated in the next couple of years if I had not met someone else) We were broken up for about 3 weeks. He then called me back up begged me to go on his family vacation with him and we started dating again and he proposed 6 months later. I don't see that as pushing?? He also stated his parents pushed him into getting married. He was 34? Really? Him and I both really wanted children so it seemed like a good idea to get married. Then he said he felt like he was trapped and things were horrible the whole time. He said he just didn't realize it was our marriage till every other issue resolved itself and he started making tons of money. He then realized that the only thing left that could possibly make him unhappy was me. He stated he felt financially used and resented himself for continuing to stay in marriage where he felt used. I'm just getting so tired of rehashing these same issues. In this instance we were forced to by the social worker. We talked about my 3 childbirths and how hard that was. He then stated that in October when he told me he felt this huge weight off his chest and then he told her we had amazing sex and the best sex of his life with me until December when he decided it was completely over because none of that was enough.(I'm not sure what the relevance of our sex life was - he likes to bring that up quite often) He said I know it seems worse because there was no gambling or infidelity etc. He said just wants to be happy. (honestly I'm not so sure on the infidelity - I have my doubts from things I have found out - but he's sticking to his story on that) He's sorry. (Don't care) He kept following me around yesterday at the breaks telling me how sorry he is.
We had to talk about the children and how this was affecting them. He stated how he has them down and he can snap his fingers and they clean their room, go to bed and they are on a tightly run routine. How he puts our youngest (10 months) feeds him till he can't hold anymore, puts him to bed at 7 and he doesn't wake up till 6 next morning? Not for me. Course he nurses in the middle of the night for comfort with me. (I know just different parenting styles)
How our middle he just puts to bed at 7 and she cries but goes to sleep. When I am with her she is now terrified of the dark. I've been easier and letting them all sleep in bed with me. (Baby in pack n play next to our bed)
He did say if I wished I could come back on his days and breastfeed again. He stated the reason he stopped was because when I would come up and leave our middle child would sob for an hour and a half because I left and he was tired of dealing with that. Not true he sent me a horrible text about taking all his favors from me which caused a huge blow up and sworn affidavits and actually started this parenting investigation.
I had to mention how our oldest is having numerous bathroom accidents (peeing in her pants at school now) her stomach aches, etc. That she blames herself. After telling the social worker a lot of this she asked if she is being treated for anxiety. I may have to look into that. She is having lots of nightmares etc. I said and believing people are under her bed etc. I said I wasn't sure if that was because of the divorce or just her age (7) He said I am probably telling the truth though they don't tell him that but he told her "It will all be ok" and he said eventually she will get used to the change.
The social worker asks us to tell her about each kid. I explained their likes, dislikes, oldest best friend. How she has such a heart.
I explained why I left the baby with the other two when I didn't have to do overnights. I explained that our two youngest are so tight that our middle doesn't even like to be in another room for her brother. Easier for them. Same reason I agreed to bird nesting - easier on the kids. (h*ll on me)
He said there all great kids, just good kids. A few other things but not a lot of depth- I didn't think.
She asked him what he wanted to teach the kids as a dad during his time. He said to be a success in life and how theycan learn to to support themselves financially.
I had to tell them how our middle begs me in the morning before our exchange to "please don't let Daddy come - I want to stay with you" There has been some incidents where I believe he has done some inappropriate parenting such as her telling me "Daddy said he's tired of me sh*t*ing on my legs" I did not bring that up at this session. I found out that our middle apparently lied and said she was not eating a donut when she was so he put her in her room all night and did not give her dinner. She's 3. I did not bring that up either. If we have to go to another session then it will be just me and the social worker and just him and the social worker.
After the session was over we walked out together - I shouldn't have but we ended up talking about our relationship. I was still crying and emotional. I said I miss my best friend. He said he misses me too and he's sorry. This is the part that totally kills me even more.
I said everyone does not believe me but you look happier than you have ever been in your life while you have shattered the family. He saids - "I really am - I finally have hope in my life" I told him I would never undertand him and he wasn't a real man. A real man doesn't walk away and shatter his family. I said you will be nothing more than a weekend dad. He said well I feel you moving 30 minutes away is going to keep me from being a part of their life. He then gave me a choice of two towns he would approve of that I can live in. (both within 5 minutes - I told him I haven't found a house yet I don't know where I'm going to live - I'm just looking and he was the one that chose this whole thing.
I then said I have prayed to find out why I am still in this trial and what I still need to learn. He stated I know it seems like retribution that I've fixed up the farm and everything is good in his life.
I said why are you doing all these things that I begged you to when we are married. He said he is finally happy.
I said I don't know how you can be happy when you've shattered 4 lives. He said he knows but he has "hope" now and it is all worth it and someday he hopes I forgive him and understand. I said I also feel like you are getting everything in the world while me and the children are losing everything. He said your right and that he's asked God why he is getting everything he's ever dreamed up during this time and he's the happiest he's ever been. I just can't understand how you can be happy when you have destroyed a family.
I told him the way I see it is in 3 years he will have a new life, a new wife and a new family and I will be left taking care of and raising his first family and he will not even be a father for his kids. He said well if you move 30 minutes away then that will be your fault??

Okay I wrote a book. I'm sure there will some 2x4s. Please be a little kind. Honestly I don't know if I can handle even one more day of this pain. I thought I was going forward and I'm right back at BD drop again.

On a completely unrelated note - Is it true Mr. Bond that you and your wife did not speak for a time? Where is your story on here?