It's when you are no longer willing to put your life on hold while you are "waiting" for your partner to "recover" from their MLC, depression, an on-going affair, their lack of love for you, or whatever. You realize that you are in charge of your own life, that YOU are responsible for YOU, and you don't have to sit around in limbo until THEY change. You totally quit playing the "blame game". It's when you realize that you are not a "victim" to what life deals to you.
Okay bonehead....talk to me about this....
How does any of this relate to how you are feeling now ???
JamesJohn was a moderator here for quite a few years, and I have always found his words soothing, and full of knowledge..
He was the best....
How does any of that relate to what you have been reading from the Vets here ???
How would your goals that you have been thinking about, play into this ???
To me, what JamesJohn said is about detaching. Letting go and moving forward in life. It's consistent with what all the vets have been saying since day 1.
I still struggle with fear, Mach. I'm scared to let go. I'm scared that if I let go, she will let go more than she already has, maybe even meet someone. I'm scared of being more broken hearted than I already am.
I don't want to move on from her. I want to marry this girl one day and keep our little family intact. I want to see the twinkle in her eye when I walk in the door from a long day at work. She used to absolutely GLOW when she saw me. I miss that so much and I'm mourning it.
It's funny, because in the past, whenever we would argue, SHE would get so upset when she thought that I was going to leave her. She would literally cry so hard that she would almost hyperventilate. I never did leave her. It's so weird to see her being the one leaving the relationship after all we've been through.
I keep telling myself that she is not "right" in the head right due to her issues with fighting her sobriety. It's like she is a completely different person void of heart, caring, and everything I've seen her be in the last 4 years.
Something else I struggle with is that I feel entitled. I know it's wrong, but I feel that she owes me something for sticking by her side when she went away to deal with her issues. I held down the fort, I took care of the kids, I supported her. I know this is so wrong of me and I'm working on it. And now? Now she has the nerve to leave me??? Honestly I feel robbed and taken advantage of. Again, I know this is wrong and I need to work on it.
I know this is a process. And I really appreciate everyone lifting me up and holding me accountable when they see me resisting the process.
I miss her so much and I miss her daughter who I became a father to. I have a huge void in my heart, I know it's going to take some time to heal.
My life around the time I met her was spent focusing on my daughter. I had been single for about 6 months. It was during the school year (I have my daughter on weekends during the school year) so I spent my weekends doing things with her. Lots of movies, nature museums, zoo etc.
She had recently moved to Denver from California to live with her sister. She had struggled being a single mom in California and found a job in Denver.
My previous relationship was with a girl I met at work. She was probably the most incompatible girlfriend I've ever dated but I was infatuated by her beauty. She was very physically attractive but didn't have much substance (kind of emotionally absent). We dated for a few years. I was very insecure in this relationship because she was constantly being courted by other men. I think she definately contributed to this because she really seemed to enjoy all the attention/gifts/offers for dates. The relationship eventually fell apart because I felt she was becoming untrustworthy (I caught her in a hew lies).
My WAW had several relationships (some of them with abusive with alchoholic men). She was a drinker then and liked to go out alot.
When we met, we did definately drink and party but I never sensed that she was out of control. As the relationship progressed, I got bored with drinking and wanted something more meaningful. She kept drinking.
It came to a head when she went out with friend one night and her friend bad-mouthed me. My WAW ended up hitting her (they were both drunk).
Her friend told my WAW's family, either she goes to rehab or I'm filing charges. WAW went to rehab. She did very well and earned a scholarship and ended up not having to pay anything.
Once out of rehab, she never followed through with the out-patient things (AA, therapy etc). However, she remained sober.
She is sober to this day but has been stuggling with depression, anger for about 6 months now. This is common amongst alcholics that dont drink but also dont follow treatment for the mental side of things.
I sometimes think that because she was not the one to choose to go to rehab, that she feels she doesnt have a problem. I think she feels robbed of her ability to socialize (she loved wine tasting, beer tasting etc.)
For a few months before the bomb, I could tell something was brewing. No sex, quick to anger, depression. But she would always snap out of it and be normal again (sometimes for weeks).
Sounds as if she has a LOT of issues that are following her around....
You can't fix them ya know...
Although it certainly sounds as if you have some issues too.
I went back and re-read your first thread, and the things that you had already described about your history.
Thor, she has a TON of issues that are more deeply rooted than anything that has recently happened..
What you describe about her, it sounds as if she is trying to hide from her previous life, and run away from everything bad that has happened to her up to this point...
And you just happened to be the person that was/is the closest to her when it exploded on her. Ever hear the expression that you hurt the ones that you love the most, the most ???
When I go back and think about the concept of DBing, and all that it entails...
I think about the basic principal....
You HAVE to work on your own stuff, and become the person that YOU want to be.
Learn to act, instead of re-acting...
Let go of your fears, and live YOUR life for you. And that becomes very attractive to a WAS. It can grab their attention, and allow them to become inquisitive about the LBS, and what they walked away from....
That requires a LOT of work from you though...
Cause right now ???
In your own way....you are just as broken as she is....
As hard as it is to do, you are gonna have to reach down, grab those bootstraps, and buckle in for the ride....
What she is doing, is trying to find out who the hell she is, and she cannot do that within ANY relationship....
Sorry, it's just the way that it is...
And yes...
In her mind, everything, and everyone in her life has had more control over her, than she has had, to this point...
Is it true ??
It doesn't matter if it is true or not...
It is the way that she is feeling inside...
The guilt, and the shame of everything that has happened to her in her life, is catching up to her...
You...get to do the same thing..except that you don't have that tremendous load on your shoulders while you do it...
I know that this isn't easy, and I can only tell you from experience what helped me...
There were days when I didn't think that I was going to make it through the day, the pain was THAT intense for me...
My days were lived minute by minute, with occasional moments of clarity...
I lived in guilt over what I had done to contribute to my Marriage failing...
I lived in fear every day...
That I would be Divorced...
That I would be judged...
That I wasn't worthy of being loved, or giving love...
That I wasn't capable of fixing myself, and that I would become stagnate in life, never having anything better than what I just lost....
One day, it hit me that the worst of those things, had already happened to me. And now ?
Since they didn't kill me....I had 2 choices to make
I could let this define me, and my future...
Or, I could kick it in the ass, and define my own future...
Which one would you like ???
What does letting go of fear, look like to you ???
Mach - you almost made me lose it at work. Your insight and the depth to which you can interpret things is amazing. You have a gift.
I'm printing your last reponse out.
How did you take that first step? What did you do to take up your new found sudden free time?
For me, there's only so many movies I can go see. The last thing I want to do is get into the bar scene (even though that would be the easiest thing to do). All of my best friends live in other states. It almost feels like I'm learnnig to walk again.
My FIRST step, was realizing that I had things that I needed to change for myself...
And that NOTHING that I changed, was for the intent to "fix" the relationship...
I had to own everything that I had 'become' over the years, and I had to analyze each of those things, and find out why I did them...
Example...
I was a control freak...
Okay, I admit that...
Does admitting it keep me from being controlling ???
Then I asked myself why I was controlling....
I was controlling because I was scared that my Marriage might fail one day. My parents had divorced, and it changed the course of my life because of the way that THEY handled it...
I was too young to handle any of it, and when I started to finally understand it, it didn't really matter...at that time in my life...
When I married, the first few years went really well, until I found myself without the "in love" tingles of having this new thing in my life.
After that, I became cognizant that it COULD be a possibility down the road, if I didn't "control" the situation...
And in trying so hard to avoid that happening, it actually became a goal for me (that I worked very hard towards too).
My fear, had become a goal, that became reality...because I worked for it...
Once that I knew the "whys"....I needed to work toward forgiving myself....
And I realized, that I did the best that I could, with the tools that I had. And nothing that I had done, was with the intent to hurt anyone....
That ^^^ is only part of my controlling tendencies Thor...
Yet it is the same process that I went through, for each thing that I didn't like about myself....
I made a list of things that I wanted to show to the world everyday...
REGARDLESS if I received them in return or not....
I want to show
Love Compassion Honesty Loyalty
Anywoo....that is only part of my list...
You need to have your own list...
My list, are the things that define who I am, at my core...
It's not about DB'ing your relationship with her. Her coming back will be a byproduct of you bettering yourself. This is now about Thornton, not about her. How do you become the best Thornton you can?
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
