This, That and The Other

[SemperFi00]

Have generally always been able to have the lifestyle we want while saving substantially for retirement. What I have come to learn over the years is that W leans more to the “spending/enjoy life” side of the equation and I am more of the “save/delayed gratification” side.

Does your W agree with your assessment? Do you see this as either/or? Have the 2 of you discussed these differences?

Don’t see it as either/or and I think W would agree w/the characterization. Of course we didn’t discuss it – that’s just silly talk…….

In the past I just buried my feelings about it and worked harder to provide more. At the time, that worked I guess because I perceived there to be enough offsetting benefits on other parts of the R.

I don’t recall feeling angry or resentful then – just some mild frustration. I didn’t want to argue w/W about it so I chalked it up to just being one of her quirks (we all have them – we like and are comfortable with our own right?), part of making compromises / balancing each other out and being in a long term relationship.

I am finding it harder to maintain that same perspective and approach given the current situation.

At times I was irritated about the spending and lack of $$$ mgmt but just dealt with it and rationalized that what I was getting in return (i.e. parent at home with children, household upkeep, companionship, life parter, physical connection, etc….) was worth it and addressing the issue was not worth the conflict.

It's interesting that there's no mention of love here.

Would you handle the conflict differently today?

Did you think she wasn't capable of change?

What were you afraid of?

To me some of the things above speak about love (i.e. companionship, life partner, physical connection) but maybe I am missing something from your ?. Given what I know now, I would certainly expect to be more aware of the conflict and would handle it differently.

It wasn’t about me thinking she wasn’t (or was) capable of change. I suppose it was more about me not wanting to take the same position my father also seemed to take – that there was never $$$ for anything and always in a position to say no. To be fair, growing up his position was usually that out of necessity.

I want/wanted to be able to “provide” everything for W & kids (within some level of reason) and it made me feel good when I could do that.

My mother was a little “spoiled” growing up being the youngest of 4. Got most of what she wanted and when she didn’t could make it miserable to be around her. That continued into their M and often times she handled things the same way when she didn’t get what she wanted – I can even remember a couple times when she us kids away for a few days when she and my dad had arguments.

I am sure that ^^^^ also contributed to my trying to minimize any potential conflict w/W.

Holy cr@p, as I am writing this out I am realizing that W is very similar to mother in terms of $$$$ mgmt., spending vs saver etc….

Interesting, huh?