To me, what JamesJohn said is about detaching. Letting go and moving forward in life. It's consistent with what all the vets have been saying since day 1.
I still struggle with fear, Mach. I'm scared to let go. I'm scared that if I let go, she will let go more than she already has, maybe even meet someone. I'm scared of being more broken hearted than I already am.
I don't want to move on from her. I want to marry this girl one day and keep our little family intact. I want to see the twinkle in her eye when I walk in the door from a long day at work. She used to absolutely GLOW when she saw me. I miss that so much and I'm mourning it.
It's funny, because in the past, whenever we would argue, SHE would get so upset when she thought that I was going to leave her. She would literally cry so hard that she would almost hyperventilate. I never did leave her. It's so weird to see her being the one leaving the relationship after all we've been through.
I keep telling myself that she is not "right" in the head right due to her issues with fighting her sobriety. It's like she is a completely different person void of heart, caring, and everything I've seen her be in the last 4 years.
Something else I struggle with is that I feel entitled. I know it's wrong, but I feel that she owes me something for sticking by her side when she went away to deal with her issues. I held down the fort, I took care of the kids, I supported her. I know this is so wrong of me and I'm working on it. And now? Now she has the nerve to leave me??? Honestly I feel robbed and taken advantage of. Again, I know this is wrong and I need to work on it.
I know this is a process. And I really appreciate everyone lifting me up and holding me accountable when they see me resisting the process.
I miss her so much and I miss her daughter who I became a father to. I have a huge void in my heart, I know it's going to take some time to heal.
