Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi... the meeting went well, it was about intimacy. I learned that most everyone in that group had some barrier to intimacy... not me, I give myself away.
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I have noticed that since I didn't jump when expected on Monday, he has pulled back. There have been NO coffee offers either. There was even one day, that he had purchased fresh cookies (brown bag) and left them in the car. He didn't bring coffee. I mentioned how hungry I was, he did not offer a cookie!! Then when I realized I was still hungry and he wasn't going to offer, I opted to leave. He intentionally hid his cookies, grabbed them and we parted ways. WEIRD !!! Selfish, only child, little boy behaviour?? GRRRR
This is new behaviour from him. Any other time, he would offer a cookie or a power bar from his briefcase. At other times, he intentionally brings items from home "incase" I am hungry.
We even had to go out of town together (drive), and we almost always grab coffee... no offers.
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I have been struggling... trying to hold my self value. Not pursuing.
I am angry today... realizing/ accepting and bothered that I am not getting what I want. Yes, I am an only child too. I have never ever had the opportunity to recover any of my broken relationships... I hold this as defeat/failure and I beat myself up. It makes me even more eager to want to repair this relationship.
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Going back to my behaviour from Monday night.... I was not unreasonable for not being available to "work" on the last few hours of the long weekend. However, if my friends had not been here... I would have caved in & gone with him. Thus, making me "convenient" and available to his whims!!! But, since I didn't... he seems to be punishing me. Removing "coffee/connection time".
It wasn't that long ago, when I asked him his feelings of our time spent together. He said that he had been enjoying it. Might like to do it again... but, not now. This was said during the peek of a possible real estate transaction that was pressing for him.
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I am not sure what to think. Why is he behaving like a little boy? What did I do? Do I continue to maintain or cave back to old self? He likes me as the old person who catered to him...but then again... he left that person too.
Part of our intimacy, was that I knew how to calm him when he was "this way" (miserable, tired, hurt, sad, angry, etc). He used to let me be his saving grace. If I were to do it (my magic ways) now, he may not respond reciprocally. OR he may respond & be happy that he has me back where he wants me.... right where he left me, until he has decided about our fate. I know & he says that he misses our intimacy & will not be able to be like that with another.
I know my answer should be to let him be (in his own anger/frustration) without my warm & calming ways.... but, really? Isn't that contradicting and counterintuitive?
Would really like to hear comments on this....TX
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Hi GM... thanks for replying... OK... yes, I see codependent behaviours...
Although, my "magic" is the base of our intimacy... that we both thrived on and that we both fear will never be replaced.
I think there is room for "some" co-dependency within a relationship. Its a form of bonding. It can't be all bad.
Regardless, please tell me what else you see? I am not trying to game play (not intentional)... so I don't really see it. Please point it out? and the passive-agressive too?
Don't u find his cookie behaviour odd? Immature? CRAZY?...LOL
Why does he play the push/pull position with me...if he is not wanting to reconnect?...just to keep his option open?
I AM A PRIZE!!... not an option!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Yes, now that we are not in a relationship, I must let him have/own all his feelings and deal with them on his own. He cannot "have" this part of me too (otherwise, why bother EVER getting back together, if I give it all away).
Im not sure which way the cookie offer happened... I think I first mentioned that I was hungry (I usually am on Tuesday's at that time, as I am on my way to women's meeting and don't get time between work & driving). I noticed immediately.
Either way, we both handled it wrong.
Please point out the passive-aggressive behaviour? I am still learning about this.
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Adding to my confusing thoughts... he admitted that he recognized that I am irreplaceable.... if this is the case, what is he doing then?
Knowing that I am "irreplaceable"...then he is a bigger fool for letting me go. If this is the TRUTH, then I have nothing to worry about... it will eventually sort itself out...right?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I don't think you are considering he might never come around. And quite honestly, if on the off chance he did, he wouldn't be around for long because you guys have not changed your dynamic at all.
^^^ BINGO!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Adding to my confusing thoughts... he admitted that he recognized that I am irreplaceable.... if this is the case, what is he doing then?
Because -- as so many have pointed out, so repeatedly -- his ACTIONS don't match his WORDS, magic. Until you learn to put about a 90/10 weight on actions/words from him, and not the other way around, I believe you will remain STUCK.
btw, neither do yours. You SAY you require "commitment" from him, but your actions have repeatedly said otherwise. (What self-respecting DAM commitment-phobic male would offer MARRIAGE when someone is just dying in the worst way for a mere COOKIE???)
'My' dynamics have changed ALOT. I would have NEVER not asked for a cookie, if I wanted one before, I would have taken one. I also would have NOT have ever, allowed him to retreat into his man cave, without chasing him begging to talk it out with me. I would have allowed him to continue to disrespect me (unknowingly). I would still be jumping at his demands. I would still be baited into his arguments. I have been learning to listen. I would still be under my blankets curled up in to fetal position. I have been willing to change.
There are many things "I" have changed. He is still mostly the same (a few exceptions).
I agree with you.... I need to continue to focus my time and energy spent on what will I do, if he never comes back.
I just find it so hard to believe that it really takes losing someone completely before they realize just how wonderful they had it.... I am really disappointed in this!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, If you didn't ask for a cookie...why didn't you? You can't assume that he's going to give you one or not...if you want a cookie and are that hungry, ask if you may have one. You can't assume anything when it comes to his thought processes.
PA is passive aggressive behavior. You might want to look it up because you both tend to have some of this behavior in your interactions. In many ways the interactions that you both have been displaying lately reminds me of two little kids in the sandbox that don't want to truly share their toys w/each other. So, if one has a toy and doesn't share it, the other finds a way to mirror the behavior to prove his/her point. How can you change the interactions that tend to reflect this behavior?
Now, back to the questions of last week: Are you afraid that if you truly let go, then xbf will be "gone "? What exactly are you waiting for? For him to come around? What if he never comes around?
Your comments: "I just find it so hard to believe that it really takes losing someone completely before they realize just how wonderful they had it.... I am really disappointed in this!!"
Why are you disappointed that people truly don't realize what they had until it's gone? It doesn't necessarily have to deal w/a relationship between a man and a woman, but it can happen any time, any where in your life. You could have a wonderful job and people think you've got it all figured out and truly do not have a clue what you really do and then one day....you leave and that's when they discover just how much you truly did for the office because no one had a clue.
This same thing happens in relationships. We tend to take for granted the things that we do or that we do for our spouses, and vice versa and when the spouse either splits or passes away, that's when we discover just how much that person contributed to making the relationship a good one. It's sad that it happens this way, but it happens more than we really are aware of.
Yesterday~ twisted on how to tell xbf that I needed to leave work early to take my daughter into the city, thus leaving him with "work". I admit I left it to the last minute, like he does. Couldn't decide whether he gets to know this, or just appear mysterious. As it turned out, a client called and wanted an appt. in an hour. Xbf accepted the appointment and told me. I said, "I can't, had plans with DD". He was not happy. He feels that he works, and I abandon him for my social life. <<< He has always felt this, regardless how much work I do. I really twisted over what I should tell him, when I should tell him, with whom, etc. If it were the other way around, he would work to the last second, then quickly leave telling me "I have errands & things to do".
Last night ~ dinner & audience participation in the city for a comedy show with my daughter and friend, then dinner/drinks. Back to my place for another drink & tv.
Today/tonight ~ wedding for a friend of my daughter.
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I can tell he is not happy with me today & the fact that again, I am leaving work to socialize & go to a wedding. He will be "working" and not having a social life.
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Starsky ~~ How do I put out the 'Im not desperate for your cookies vibe" then?
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I am "thinking"... I may offer to bring down a coffee to work today. Making it just about a coffee....and try "no expectations".
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, Why offer? Just do it. That would be a change in your normal routine.
Why wait so long in advising him that you have to leave work early? If you worked for a company whereby you were an employee, you would have to give ample notice that you planned to leave early. Why not change the way that you deal w/him when it comes to notification? It's better for all concerned when people are given ample notice if someone is leaving the work site. Also, you do not need to tell him why you are leaving early...have you considered saying, "I have to leave a bit early this evening because I have something to do". You don't own him an explanation other than to advise him you are leaving.
Consider how you interact w/him. You and your xbf are mirroring each other's actions. If one does something and the other doesn't like it, someone turns around and does the same to the other. This is not going to work. You have to be the one to change the dynamics in your interactions w/him or both of you will remain in the sandbox and not come out on solid ground. Why not try something different?
I'm glad to see you are getting out and about and this is very good because it gives you something else to think about. Why worry about whether he's happy w/you or not? You aren't together except for work and you are entitled to down time, just as he is. If he wants to work today, so be it. Put whatever time in that you need to and go home. Be sure to advise him early in the morning that you have plans for the evening and will not be working a full day.
Break the mirror and cease mirroring his behavior. Be yourself and try something different. Give it a whirl...you just might be pleasantly surprised to see how he reacts to your changes.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
