* More independent * Easy going, less rigid * Quit living in fear and being a pessimist * Set more life goals (even when times are good) * Work on improving my self esteem * Be a better father * Be less controlling
As Pluto and Kdog pointed out above...
These are pretty vague, although they are a step in a good direction....
And before I break them down anymore....
HOW do each of these fit with your panic attack, about her picking up things at your house ???
Does it make you more independent ???
More easy going ??
Does it take away your fear ??
Is it improving your self esteem ???
Does it make you less controlling ???
Now is as good a time as any....to start living these goals.
Thank you all for posting on my sitch. I'm a zombie today and didn't sleep last night.
I went to an al-anon meeting last night and it seemed to help with trying to control my sitch. I very much feel out of control, and that's been one of my weaknesses.
I've stayed true to NC since the bomb. Lately, my mind has really started to obsess about what she is thinking. Is this truly the end? How did this happen so quickly? Has she been drinking?
I know, stay in my own sandbox. Sometimes it's hard not to let the mind wander.
I've stayed true to NC since the bomb. Lately, my mind has really started to obsess about what she is thinking. Is this truly the end? How did this happen so quickly? Has she been drinking?
I know, stay in my own sandbox. Sometimes it's hard not to let the mind wander.
I'm feeling pretty blue today.
Dude...
You need to get some NyQuil....
It is the sleep aid of LBS'
I do understand that this hurts, although I will add that YOU are the one perpetuating that hurt by sitting around and dwelling on it...
YOU can change your own dynamic right now....
Stop focusing on the hurt, and find something else to focus on....
Pluto, KDog, Mach... thanks for pointing out that I need to refine these goals.
I'll try and work on that a little bit this evening. I'm so exhausted from not getting any sleep. I think I'll force myself to the gym to hopefully help me sleep tonight. I wish I could turn my mind off and sleep for 12 hours straight.
I went to the doctor this morning and was prescribed anti-d's and anxiety meds to help me sleep.
I wish I was stronger and didn't need any of this stuff.
I still struggle with missing my best friend. It's so difficult at this stage to remember to stay in my own sandbox.
I need to keep reminding myself that I'm very early on in my sitch.
Question about LRT. I've noticed that several veteran DB'ers that have posted on the "Advice from wise DBer's" forum have said that LRT doesn't mean no contact. That I should still be ocassionally reaching out to WAW with non-relationship stuff. Perhaps a text or something a little silly to try and open the channels of communication.
I could really use some advice from the vets right now.
I refer to this post when I ever question the LRT...
This is from JamesJohn...8/2002
In this humble man's opinion, the "Last Resort Technique" can be one of the most misunderstood, most misused, most feared, and most underutilized of all of Michele's tools.
The LRT, as I see it, isn't so much a defined set of actions, patterns, or a "plan". To me, it's more of a lifestyle, an attitude, and a state of mind.
To me, it's the infamous "Dobson letter", the one that is written and re-written at least 10 times, truly taken to heart within yourself, then torn up and never sent. If you have the right state of mind, your partner will KNOW you have set both them, and yourself, free by your words, actions, and attitudes, without ever giving them the letter.
It's when you finally take your life back, knowing that the DB techniques you've been learning and practicing are mostly for YOU and the quality of YOUR life. If you happen to draw your partner back to you, well, that's an added benefit.
It's when you are able to quit "reacting" to everything your partner does, or doesn't say or do. You begin taking the actions required to make your life situations better for YOU.
It's when you can stop letting fear guide your actions, and can open your mind up to a whole new world full of solutions to the situations you face in your daily life.
It's when "going dark" isn't merely done to prove to your partner that their life will SUCK without you, while you're hanging around for them to "wake up", to call or show up to profess their undying love for you. It's when you can use the "dark" times to work on yourself, and take a much needed break from the chaos. When you can re-center yourself UPON yourself, and not them or your relationship with them.
It's when you are no longer willing to put your life on hold while you are "waiting" for your partner to "recover" from their MLC, depression, an on-going affair, their lack of love for you, or whatever. You realize that you are in charge of your own life, that YOU are responsible for YOU, and you don't have to sit around in limbo until THEY change. You totally quite playing the "blame game". It's when you realize that you are not a "victim" to what life deals to you.
It's when the dreaded word "divorce" no longer sends your heart racing and mind reeling. After all, most of us are in a position where our relationships ain't too great right now, or could be a helluva lot better. Wouldn't you really love to "divorce" yourself from THAT relationship, and start a new one with your partner that's even better than what you could ever hope or imagine?
It's when you realize that your partner is a flesh and blood human being, that they have their own faults, doubts, demons, and fears, just the same as you. When you can begin to let go of trying to control the way they think and feel. When you learn to let them "own" their thoughts and feelings without assuming that YOU are responsible for, or have control over, those thoughts and feelings. When you can not necessarily "understand" them, but truly "accept" them.
It's when you can learn to be humble enough to admit that maybe this really ISN'T all about you, and you can stop taking all of your partner's actions and moods personally. When you can let them talk to you, vent their anger, thoughts, and feelings to you, without you feeling that it's all your fault, and that you can "fix" it, and that you can make it all better. Or that they really WANT you to make it all better. Or, that you even have the power to do that.
It's when you stop trying to "push" or "pull" your partner back into the relationship with you, and begin to "draw" them back to you. When you strive to become an irresistible magnet that no person can stop from being attracted to. Someone that makes a positive difference in the lives of everyone they touch. Someone that can make your partner feel that their lives are less joyful, less fulfilling, if they decide to spend it apart from you, to not have you near them. That you are someone that can add meaning to their lives just by knowing you. That can be an example of being the best that you can be.
It seems that thinking about the LRT can bring many negative, doom-ridden, and "final" thoughts to mind. I encourage everyone to "reframe" these thoughts, to put a positive spin on the concept, to see the actual benefits of this tool. (Or, maybe, we should have this "state of mind" FIRST instead of saving it for LAST?!)
I know that there's a lot of times I wish that I would have seen this tool in a more positive light sooner in my journey. As for me, it may be something I want to use as an "On Going Technique" instead of a "Last Resort Technique"!
