Hi Tears, Just so you know that what you are dealing with and how your H is acting isn't uncommon....my W of 20 years has said and done all the same things. She still lives with me which, if you can believe it, makes things worse at times. Her MLC started about 3 years ago after a long bout with depression. She totally stopped doing things with me and our 2 D's, now 18 and 14. After B-day I have heard that she has "tried" so very hard to make our M work. I didn't see her once "try". She now tells me that the reason she stopped doing things as a family was because she no longer could stand being around me! No matter that she told me how much she loved me many, many times, no, she hated being with me so much she stopped being a mother, going to school meetings and events, wouldn't take the time away from her new "friends" to even spend the day with our D's without me. But, it was because of ME that she did those things.
She tells me how much she enjoys doing things with me and still wants to be friends. (This after saying the above about hating being around me) She gets jealous of the time I spend with the kids and hates that our youngest doesn't want to do things with just her. What does she expect, she stopped acting like a mother long ago. Of course, this is my fault. One morning after we had a fight, I started taking my frustrations out on my D. She was running late for school (again) and I yelled at her. When we were in the car on the way I realized what I was doing and I started to cry. NOT because of my W, because of what I had just done to my D. I apologized to my D and told her that it wasn't her fault. Now, months later, my W brings this up and says I'm hurting our D by "weeping" in front of her because I can't handle she no longer loves me! Here is a woman who is doing things that hurt her D's and says "We all hurt our kids, they'll get over it" and I'm hurting them by "weeping" in front of her.
She lies and then says it wasn't a "lie" she just changed her mind about what she was going to do and just didn't tell me. If I don't agree with what she thinks is best for our D, I'm trying to make my D hate her mother. She hides money and over spends and if I tell her that she needs to be careful as we just don't have the money and she will over draw the checking account, I'm trying to "control" her.
All this and she still thinks she is doing everything so well so we can have a D that doesn't damage the kids. Try not to expect that he will be any different. I also thought "Oh, it won't get worse. Not with HER. She will be good about all this." and all that did was end up kicking me in the butt.
He really believes that what he does, no matter how the rest of the sane world would see it, is right. If he can't blame you for why he "feels" the way he does he would have to look inward and he wouldn't like what he finds and he knows it. So much easier to blame the horrible spouse. It sounds like it's time to start protecting yourself and your D and at least talk to a lawyer. I didn't do this as my W swore she wasn't going to do that, at least not yet and less than a week later she went to a lawyer and suddenly was in a big hurry to start moving things along.
I know how much this hurts, really I do. My M went from her swearing that she had no thoughts of D or separation to 12 weeks later B-day and she wanted NOTHING but a D. No MC, no trying to work on our problems. I think like my W does about me, that your H thinks you will always be there for him at least as a friend or any way HE chooses, doesn't matter what he says or does.
And when it comes to custody, at least in my state, it's very hard for a man to get custody even when he is the better parent. At least you have that in your favor. Document everything, all the financial stuff, the not showing up to be with D, the not even calling. It stinks that you now have to worry about this as well but again, it's him that is doing the damage, not your fault. Hang in there Tears, you'll make it through and be better for it!
