She's been away from the apt for 2 days now. I'm filing for divorce. Going LRT, I realize I made mistakes and I can work on those and she won't. Maybe she can convince me but that window is shrinking.
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
Do you really want a D? If not, then don't file. I think you are "filing" to get a reaction from your W. Don't. It won't work at all.
Originally Posted By: Riley
She's been away from the apt for 2 days now. I'm filing for divorce. Going LRT, I realize I made mistakes and I can work on those and she won't. Maybe she can convince me but that window is shrinking.
What window are you talking about here? Talk your thoughts out here and we'll give you some support.
You've only been at this not even two weeks and you are acting based on emotions. Not good. Calm down and step back a moment. This is a marathon....not a sprint in the 50-yard dash.
I feel done. Its been rough for months and she wants to finish her degree. She's leaving in July and plans to finish in May. Its possible she's cheating again, and you're right I tried LRT for 2 weeks. I understand she needs time to miss me and not just feel anger. She's been talking D for months now and she honestly can't afford it, nor any of the crazy plans she has. She claims to be done but in my defense even her family has come to distant themselves from her. She needs medication.
I may regret it in time, idk. I can always cancel it. I just can't do this with her, Im a victim in my own apt.
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
So, I feel a lot better now. She moved back into our apt and ripped up some of our wedding pictures. I'm not surprised. I'm not the maid who cleans up everything and still has to continue receiving nasty letters and a no intimacy M. After looking back thru DR I have discovered many of the problems that have led to where I am now and if the D does go thru I feel confident to create a new, better M in the future.
She has blamed her brother for taking sides and said he is not family. Sadly this is not new. I'm LRT and reinventing myself and its up to her to miss me and want this. I'm keeping expectations at zero, like what the rules say. This is the new me and only getting stronger.
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
That's what I'm doing. Her family has alienated themselves from her and while it hurts me I feel I must do the same.
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
Hey DB, Can you elaborate? It seems PMs are disabled
quote=db2013]Riley, a thought on the cleaning.
For our sit. the 'issues' began with complaints I was not doing enough to help with the housework. Within a a few months, I was pretty much doing all of it but the still got the same complaint. We even went to MC which resulted in...a detailed sheet outlining what to clean!
Then, a new complaint began. I was not cleaning things the right way...
My point is that there was a much bigger underlying issue that I sensed but could not put my finger on. It took IC and coaching for me to realize how common this pattern is in marriages. In my case, I was a pleaser, not one to take initiative in our M and deferred everything to my W.
And, in MC's opinion and my own, that the nagging about cleaning was actually her way of trying to reach out to me and signalling that we were drifting apart. And, a way of testing if I could stick up for myself and to her. The irony is her complaints confused me and causing me to withdraw, which caused her to push more, with a downward spiral.
I don't know if this is exactly what is happening in your sit. but thought sharing this may help you see past the cleaning issue to what may be driving it
A great book which helps to explain some of these dynamics is 'Hold Me Tight' by Dr. Sue Johnson.
It really helped to clear up my confusion about what happened.
[/quote]
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
I'm getting D paperwork in order. I don't think she has talked to a L based on the fact that she wants my jeep (21k debt), and spousal support. D is only for 7-8 months here in Cali. So her half of the debt is more than 7,500 which is likely any spousal support she could get.
I'm continuing with detaching. I'm taking care of myself and hitting the gym. I'm not necessarily convinced there is someone else. She hid at a female friends house the day after I moved my stuff out of the bathroom. She asked why I did so and I said I'm moving out for a few days and she said I may as well file for separation then.
Whether she meant what she said or not, im going thru with D procedures right now. Some may disagree with why I filed but I'm doing this for me. One of many reasons is she said she would file in NC in July and that's not in my financial favor. She got mad but she had to expect I would act at some point. Or at least I would have thought.
I'm doing me and loving it
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
I hear what you're saying and I think there is underlying issues. Could you elaborate on what you said about deferring to your W?
I do remember now that she has increased her reliance on me to clean and now she doesn't do [censored]. And overtime her letters to me have been increasingly more hostile.
Any other things you could elaborate on as I think we have a very similar issue?
In essence, I was very immature about relationships, in my understanding of what my wife wanted and what she was feeling.
I was so afraid of loosing her that I eventually would do anything to avoid conflict. I mistakenly thought that if I let her make the decisions, it would show her how considerate and loving I was being. I was the classic Mr. Nice Guy (A good book that explains this in detail is :"No More Mr. Nice Guy").
She only seemed to get more hostile. At the time, I was completely baffled. I didn't understand what was happening. I kept saying 'I am so confused right now. I am doing everything you are asking me to (cleaning house and running errands) but it does not seem to make a difference to you.'
The common issue she brought up was that she felt she was doing everything on her own and that she needed a real partner. The more she would 'attack me', the more I would withdraw, became very resentful of her.
Communication became very bad. I felt like she was not able to really articulate what was going wrong and suggested MC. We stopped after a few sessions and eventually I became a WAH with an overwhelming need to just get some space.
The deferring habit hit home again a few months ago and really woke me up as to how passive I had become in our M. After nearly a year, we had been slowly piecing and we took a walk through town. She asked me where we should go for coffee, and without thinking, I said "Wherever you want to go, doesn't matter to me."
She blew up at this and told me she just wanted me to make decisions.
It took a long time, and much later after the fact, for me to realize that I was not being emotionally available and I lacked decisiveness in our relationship. In other words, I was not being the man she needed me to be. The husband she thought I was. I was behaving like a kid. She was tired of being my mother.
M:36 W:34 T:9,M:4 Me,WAH:7/2011 My apology:12/2012 Her,WAW:01/2013 ILYBINILWY:4/2013 W's EA:5/2013 Sep:9/2013 2nd EA signs:03/2014
Do you really want a D? If not, then don't file. I think you are "filing" to get a reaction from your W. Don't. It won't work at all.
Originally Posted By: Riley
She's been away from the apt for 2 days now. I'm filing for divorce. Going LRT, I realize I made mistakes and I can work on those and she won't. Maybe she can convince me but that window is shrinking.
What window are you talking about here? Talk your thoughts out here and we'll give you some support.
You've only been at this not even two weeks and you are acting based on emotions. Not good. Calm down and step back a moment. This is a marathon....not a sprint in the 50-yard dash.
^^^Listen to Wonka.
Take it from me. I reacted in the same way and really regretted it.
Take time to calm down and think things through. The situation sounds very emotionally volatile. Use this forum to vent and voice what you are thinking. The outside perspective is invaluable when all you want to do is to react.
What are your objectives/goals?
M:36 W:34 T:9,M:4 Me,WAH:7/2011 My apology:12/2012 Her,WAW:01/2013 ILYBINILWY:4/2013 W's EA:5/2013 Sep:9/2013 2nd EA signs:03/2014
