3 Months In and Feeling...More Aware

[Upwards]

Jenn you really are doing amazingly, its very new for you still & your coping so well! Your such a strong role model to your children & when they're older they are sure to let you know that they know how much you did for them during this period in your lives.

Be proud of yourself, you really should be!

[Maybell]

There have been moments during all this when I was upset and I try to be honest with my kids (11, 8, 6) about naming my feelings and assuring them it has nothing to do with them. If I'm sad just because I'm missing our whole family I will say that, because I know they are too and I feel like it helps them to hear me say it out loud. If it's something unrelated I'll tell them that I'm frustrated about something I'm not ready to share and that I need a little bit of time to calm myself. I'm hoping that that is modeling coping skills for when they are feeling upset.

This is no fun, right? Hugs and prayers... because I can't offer much else.

[JennD]

Thanks Maybelle. No fun, is right!

And thanks Upwards. All we can do is our best. I'm gald to be able to say my best is getting better!

[JennD]

Journalling...

For the past 3 years, I have used H's facebook page to keep up with H's family and mine. H has known I used it - I've never posted on it, just viewed details posted. Tonight went to go on H has changed the password.

Its not about facebook - I don;t care a bit about FB, but I feel like he is further pulling away. I feel like we have been getting along okay - working on ourselves, as he encouraged. I feel like this just creating waves where it is not necessary. H never uses facebook. Has posted 1 in the past 7 years.

I know he had said before, since BD, that he felt like we were too much as 1 person with both emails coming into 1 mailbox, always being together, me scheduling his doctor's appts, etc. And that he was looking to regain his own self. I get it.

But I guess it hurts because thing keep deteriorating and moving in the wrong direction rather than moving forward or at least standing still while we work on ourselves.

I won't bring the password change up to him but it hurts.

[labug]

Accept that it's painful but don't assign a lot of meaning to it.

It only creates waves if you let it.

[JennD]

Deep breath. Thanks for the persepective Labug...

[Maybell]

I know I'm new here, but for what it's worth:

1. Sometimes Facebook is hacked, people use it to spam your friends, and changing the password is the best way to improve the security. If your husband uses it so little, it may be that someone alerted him that a hack had occurred and he did it for himself for that reason. I'm not saying that your sense of things is wrong, but if you are trying to act "as if" then that could be an explanation that is not a comment on your relationship. If he uses it so little, then you have to wonder why it would occur to him to draw that boundary now, if something like a hack didn't prompt it.

2. If he's feeling like there hasn't been enough space between the two of you, then creating your own FB profile would be a good way of validating that concern without your having to make a comment about it. You wouldn't even have to friend him -- you could friend the people you care about and with whom you are still on good terms using your own profile. He would see that through the mutual friends, even if neither of you ever commented on it and even if you didn't friend one another.

I'm so sorry this has occurred to upset you. I'm pretty guilty of second-guessing Facebook actions myself -- it's hard not to. And I'm really sorry that your situation has been going on for so long. Hugs to you.

[LongRoad06]

Get your own account and add them all as friends?

Act as if it doesn't bother you. He changed the password? Fine. That's cool - I'll get my own. And post happy thoughts all over the page. Add him as a friend as well. Why not? You are being friendly, and just want to keep him abreast of all the GAL activities you are doing with the kiddos!

[labug]

Hmmm, I think if you want a FB account, get one. If you've done without all this time, then you can continue. It's a big time suck and you could be using that time to GAL and work on you.

I wouldn't suggest using it to prove a point. You are only in control of you.

[JennD]

So last weekend H and I had a conversation that he initated about R.

He admitted he saw big changes in me - my parenting, my patience, everything. He told me that he told his IC that I seemed so "even". But he admitted he doesn't think it will stick. That it is real, but not permanent. And he asked me why I couldn;t have made these changes before BD.

He said he still doesn;t see things working.

He also admitted that things have been much better (since I;ve not been pushing and bringing up R, etc.) And that he has felt like he has been "colder" towards me as a result. (I had noticed but didn;t agree with him - just let him talk). I asked for him to explain. H said that since things had been better, he felt he had to "pick up the slack" of the conflict so I wouldn't get my hopes up if we were getting along.

H apologized and we talked a bit more.

Since then, H has been kind and open and we've had a good week.

Even though H has said nothing has changed, I feel hopeful. If we can get along, he will feel better about our interactions and to me that leaves the door open. Hope is good.

I went to my IC and she was very impressed with the changes in me. I credit DB for much of those changes (and all the encouragement here) as well as the 100000 books I;ve been reading. (Brene Brown books especially). I have to admit, I'm impressed (and surprized) with my changes.

I don't know that I would ever admit this to H, but BD and this process has done me a huge favour - I am becoming aware and a better person (not that I'm done, by any means).