it is not controlling to have boundaries...it is healthy (as long as your boundaries are healthy)
so...for instance...
I can NOT deal with lies...I need the truth, even if it isn't pretty.
it is a dealbreaker for me
telling my partner that that is a dealbreaker isn't being controlling...it's being honest. I can NOT deal with this so I thought you should know...
if they lie, then they know that maybe I am not the right person for them...I can't FORCE them to tell the truth...I can just be honest
requiring transparency isn't controlling...it is saying, hey...this is what I will deal with and this is what I won't...
It's about YOU...not them
There was a poster here and on another forum named Jayne, and she phrased this whole "boundaries" thing better and clearer than I've ever seen it explained, thusly:
Jayne, on “boundaries”:
Think about boundaries like this:
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.
Your WxH can do whatever he wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling him what to do.
But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.
He's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because he'll be outside your circle. He's free to go on and draw his own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.
He can do WHATEVER he wants. He's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices he wants.
BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.
That's all. Not about trying to control him at all. Tell him he's totally free. He has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever he wants.
If he's saying you have to let him into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HIM controlling YOU.
