afraid I have waited too long #3

[nit84]

Thanks Nettles,

I am having an issue right now with the fact that my W says she wants to keep costs low and out of court but when I ask her what her thinking on her wants and such are she gets very evasive and wants her L to do all the work.

I understand it is her right to do this but it goes against what she says is her desires to keep costs down.

Before I retained my own L I spoke with her L to see if we could just use him(I was never planning on this but my W asked me to call him if I had any questions because she doesn't understand the whole thing). I assume she does understand but is unwilling to explain it to me.


Both her L and my L said negotiating is fine if we agree to it so I am a little perplexed at my W unwillingness to do this because the quicker this gets done the faster the D could happen. Correct?


The only reason I can think of for her not wanting to cooperate so much is we have an alimony/spousal support hearing in 6 weeks and maybe she waiting to see that outcome.

All the sudden the job she had that was paying her under the table has now hired her and put her on the payroll but she is only kicking in about 10% towards bills vs the 50% from a month ago so I guess she listening to advice from her L or from other people who influence her life now days.

[nit84]

I need a little help with LRT, I am not sure how to implement it.

I suppose the reason is I am not ready to write that letter because I still want to work things out.

Even after we both have retained L's I still hold hope that something will happen to allow her to change course and want to work on things. I realize that it is a slow process but after almost a year of being S I know how to take things very slowly.


Any advice on other things to attempt. The 180's while helping me out, have done little(that I know of) to sway my W.

I can honestly say the things I have done this past year have helped me grow as a person and will go a long way in helping me become a better H. I just cant get it out of my head that I want it to be with my current W not a new one.

I guess the only time that will happen is when I have to sign the D papers whenever that may be.

I am trying to stay hopeful but mostly feeling helpless

[KGirl]

The LRT is essentially 3 steps:
1) No pursuing
2) Get a life
3) Wait and watch

In regard to your W, it's more of things to NOT do than attempt to do. No letters, no phone calls, no begging, no pleading, no pointing out the happy memories or good times, no asking them to reconsider or try counseling - just leaving her be. Step 2 is the place where you can feel NOT helpless and take action - doing things for yourself, because you want to do them. The point of the LRT is even if it doesn't work, you've maintained your dignity, and you've built a new life for yourself without your W so that even if she doesn't "come back", you'll be OK. There were many times I was frustrated with all this because it felt like a lot "not doing" things rather than taking action, but you can take action as long as it's regarding yourself.

[nit84]

Thanks KGirl!!

According to what you said above I guess I have actually been in LRT for a while.

I am doing all the above honestly, I know I will be ok if and when D comes about.

When I say helpless I guess I mean it the sense that my W even though she has filed for D still goes back and forth between being mad at me but wanting to have my family and then also saying what great guy I am when I don't drink.

I haven't drank in almost a year. It was my choice to do so but now she just says that it was a major part of our problems but still is upset with the changes I have made because I should have changed before she made up her that she didn't love me anymore.

I wish I could feel how "done" she is because maybe then I wouldn't care so much and we could just go our separate ways
and call it a day.

[Ggrass]

Maybe just wait and see what her actions show.

The papers have only been served, so there is a way to go. What do you feel you would like to do?

[nit84]

Thanks for the response G!!

In regards to what I would like to do.

I would like to ask her to attend church with me next Sunday and simply have a normal conversation a couple times a week.

She has told me she doesn't want to talk socially with me because I will get the wrong idea like she wants to R or something.

She thinks I am a master manipulator so anything I do will be seen in that way by my W I fear.

I have worked very hard to try to become a better person than the person she M.

By that I mean, I am the same person but I have a greater understanding of how a M works and what a M needs to be successful. Plus I have taken steps to rid myself of habits or actions or inactions that were toxic to my particular M or at least that I perceive to be that way. It wasn't and still isn't easy but it will help me in the long run.

She sees the changes but still says she is "done".

She says I am a great person when I don't drink( I agree) and people tell her this all the time. I haven't drank in 11 months because I don't want to. She never asked me to stop just hinted around a few times that both of our drinking is causing issues. This was said about 5yrs ago then never said again.

She knows I don't drink anymore but is unwilling to test this new nit84 out, just wants to move on with her life.

I know there is no magic bullet here but I honestly feel(just like everyone else here)that just a small baby step towards the M will lead to more and then more until a possible R is doable again. Only this time I am armed with knowledge of past failures on my part and ways to keep them from happening again.

I know she also has to own up to her own failures in our M and has said that she has blame also it is not all me.

That is hard to understand when W says this but in the next breath says she has tried to make our M work till she was blue in face but I still didn't change.

Had I known I needed to change I think I certainly would have given it a honest effort. Problem is she never said this to me. When I asked my W why she didn't tell me but cried to everyone else about her unhappiness.

Her response was how can you walk beside someone for so long and not realize how unhappy they are? I said I knew you weren't happy and I tried to be better in the context but I never knew how unhappy so I was not proactive enough when I had a chance to show some real changes that I wanted to make to strengthen our M before it was too far gone.


I have now made those improvements but W mind is made up.

She is not quitter on things so for her to say she quit on the M long ago is a very very bad sign.

Now I just Pray a lot and stick to my detaching and observe without expectations.

Thoughts appreciated!!

[nit84]

Ok weird turn of events,

When W handed me D papers we talked a lot and I calmly brought up my feelings on a possible A.

She denied it but asked me how I had some info and I did not give up my sources. It is mostly gut feeling and sightings by friends.

I told I trusted her but I have some doubt in the back of my mind.

Nothing more has been said till tonight.

She came home and asked me if I spoke to OM girlfriend or wife.

I said I hadn't because I wouldn't even know what to say.

All this A talk is between W and I only honest.

She thanked me for telling the truth if it is truth and then told me the OM woman threatened my W face to face accusing her of all the same things I have.

I never accused my W just asked for my W to tell the truth and be adult about it. If there is something going on tell me.

How now do I handle this sitch? I am concerned for my W and told her so. Said if she needed me I would help.

Kinda strange that this happened Because TBH I wanted the A to be public(not by me though) if it is true and I might get my wish but now I don't what to say or do.

Please help need advice badly!!

[MrBond]

Give her up. She is having an A, lies to you about it and the OM is lying as well. And I will tell you ... she is lying to you. Let her deal with the consequences of her cheating on her own. Stop trying to rescue her. If so many people see what's going on, then it's probably true.

[Nettles]

"She thanked me for telling the truth if it is truth"

If you wrote this correctly, then W is lying because she's not sure who to believe. If she can, why can't you?

All this written to understand what your feelings are about W and M now? And what are you going to do?

[nit84]

Thanks MrBond and Nettles,

I know she is lying and there is no way I can hope to R with OM in the picture. I am just going to let it play out some more.

The A is true I am sure I just never brought it to W before she handed me D papers.

I probably shouldn't have brought it then either but it just sorta flowed into the talk we were having, plus I know it will be a lot of work but the A is not a dealbreaker for me but OM has to be out of the picture for things to even begin to turn around.

MrBond I do plan on letting W deal with the consequences but I do still worry about her safety.

She said she is a big girl and can handle it but if anybody comes to the house don't answer the door and call the police.

Nettles That quote was written correctly. My W does not trust me I am sure when it comes to this. She said "Its funny how 3 weeks ago you accused me of an A(I didn't accuse just inquired)and now his girlfriend is now accusing me of the same things.

She asked if I talked to OM girlfriend and I said "No, I wouldn't even know what to her. Besides you said it isn't true so why would I?"

I know our old M is gone and I know my WAW is on her on path but I want her back still.