WAW...Again, Part II

[MrCAS]

how long could I keep this up? How long would I want to keep this up?

Only YOU can answer that question...

Sometimes thing seem so promising... Sometimes there seems to be no movement at all.

This is pretty normal.

And then there's this: as my changes become more effortless, more ingrained, I find myself wondering what I'm even doing here, with this woman who still professes to be done with me. What is she even still doing here?

Gee, maybe she isn't as done as she thought she was... maybe she is liking the changes... Let me check my crystal ball. Dang it! It still doesn't work!

But as I start to feel better about myself, I also have become more keenly aware of what was missing for me in my marriage.

So, when the big R starts, you have an awesome place to start working from, eh?

Or it could be that you have Facebook girl on your mind...

What is really missing from your marriage right now is your undivided attention.

[stumps]

Time really is a gift - you will continue to become stronger but some days will really get you down. Try not to have any expectations from her right now and some of the things they say will make you wonder who's in there or if anybody's home. I see you have young ones too - spend your time with them and create the best life for them. Continue to be the man only a fool would leave. It either gets easier or we get stronger - probably both.

Words to live by. Appreciate the encouragement.

[stumps]

What is really missing from your marriage right now is your undivided attention.

Ah... That's the thing right there, isn't it? Averting my eyes from the prize...

[stumps]

I am still wrestling with this...dynamic...for lack of a better word, in which the more I better myself, the more I feel like I deserve some goodness in my marriage in return. Not a sense of entitlement really... But a feeling that I am worthy of love and affection. I guess on some level, unconsciously or consciously I'm not quite sure, I didn't used to think I was. Maybe on some level I was aware of my failures in meeting my wife's needs, so I didn't think I deserved to have my needs met in return.

But now, by all accounts, including my wife's, I have become the man she always wanted...the man I used to be. I can look myself in the mirror and believe it when I say to myself I'm a good man, a good father, and a good husband. And it is, on the one hand, its own reward. But as I said, it is giving rise to this feeling of being worthy of love, and affection, and respect.

I don't want to end my marriage. I love my wife so much, and the family that I married into is so wonderful. But she seems so steadfast in her resolve that she's done. So while two months seems like nothing in DB terms, I'm starting to question how long I could keep this up... Not the changes I've made, but being in a relationship where there isn't reciprocity. Maybe I need to be reminding myself that this is what my W was feeling, whether she realized it or not--whether it was justified or not, in the months leading up to the bomb drop.

As an aside, speaking of the months leading up to the bomb drop, W did recently admit that during those months she had been treating me quite unfairly...that the going out and partying had gotten completely out of control and that, while there were things that she certainly deserved in the marriage and wasn't getting, I nonetheless didn't deserve the treatment I was recieving from her. She said she wasn't proud of herself for that and was sorry. I in return let her know how much it meant to me to hear her say that.

[MrCAS]

Try to remember that the M didn't get to the point it did overnight and it isn't going to change back that way, either.

You have to consider that your marriage, as you knew it, is dead. What you are doing now is laying the foundation for a new and better version.

Frustration is a normal feeling. Trust me on that...

I would have to be encouraged that your W is feeling what she is feeling right now. She is owning her behavior which is big. I know many peoples who's spouses do not. She is acknowledging your changes which is just awesome.

Keep on your path.

[stumps]

Try to remember that the M didn't get to the point it did overnight and it isn't going to change back that way, either.

Really appreciate your advice, and encouragement. I really am trying to bear in mind that this is "a marathon, not a race".

I think one of the things that makes it so diificult for me is, sort of ironically, how well we get along...how much we enjoy spending time together.

Even in the midst of her being sick this past week, W remarked that she hated having to rest/sleep so much because it kept her from being able to hang out with me. Or like last night, we had her parents and a bunch of the neighbors over again to play cornhole and then sit by the firepit after it got dark, and like she's been doing lately she remarked a couple of times how great it was and how much fun she was having...although as she has also often been doing during these good times, she mentioned at one point that she had those creeping feelings of anger regarding the fact that "we could have had this for the past 10 years" and that "this" (meaning her wanting a divorce) "is what it took for her to finally get what she wanted."

Regarding her anger, W did say when we got up this morning that 1) she had a really great time last night and 2) that she really like that she could tell me about her feelings of anger without me getting offended or it turning into "something bigger"...that she could simply express herself and have that be the end of it. I told her it was because I completely understood her feelings and where she was coming from. She then mentioned that it wasn't even so much anger as it was regret. I was going to ask for clarification on what she meant by regret, since to me that word plays into the notion that she still feels like we're done, but I (wisely, I think) decided to just let that dog keep sleeping.

As it is, she's lying here on the couch next to me doing her nails as I type this out on my phone, when she could just as easily be ensconced in her room or bathroom, so... I take whatever positive signs I can get.

Sure would like to see that wedding ring show back up on her finger before she leaves for work tonight though... (Halfway joking about that... Halfway).

[stumps]

Ok, so... I know I shouldn't be obsessing about the d@mn wedding ring but... W came over to give me a hug before she left for work and I noticed she was wearing it for the first time in a week. Obviously not going to take it for more than it is worth...certainly not thinking it is an indicator that she's changed her mind. But it's also not a bad sign. And I'm d@mn glad I kept my mouth shut about it this whole time.

I think at best what it means is that she knows what the ring means to me, and she respects my feelings. At this stage in the game, I'll take that.

[MrCAS]

I am impressed you kept your mouth shut. Good job, buddy!

I get the ring thing. Honest. I think most of us do...

although as she has also often been doing during these good times, she mentioned at one point that she had those creeping feelings of anger regarding the fact that "we could have had this for the past 10 years" and that "this" (meaning her wanting a divorce) "is what it took for her to finally get what she wanted."

This is quite normal... Really. It is.

I told her it was because I completely understood her feelings and where she was coming from.

This was not good DBing. You are minimizing what she is saying and not validating what she is saying. You had an excellent where you could have owned this instead.

You could have said, "I looked inside myself and saw this as a character flaw I needed to change. I am really sorry that I put you in a position to feel that way." or something along those lines. Re-read the section in the book about validating.

I was going to ask for clarification on what she meant by regret, since to me that word plays into the notion that she still feels like we're done, but I (wisely, I think) decided to just let that dog keep sleeping.

This, on the other hand, was excellent DBing...

[stumps]

I told her it was because I completely understood her feelings and where she was coming from.

This was not good DBing. You are minimizing what she is saying and not validating what she is saying. You had an excellent where you could have owned this instead.

You could have said, "I looked inside myself and saw this as a character flaw I needed to change. I am really sorry that I put you in a position to feel that way." or something along those lines. Re-read the section in the book about validating.

Hmm... Duly noted. Definitely wasn't trying to minimize her feelings. I was trying to validate them by saying (to sort of paraphrase myself) that the reason she could tell me she was angry without me getting offended or it turning into a big discussion is because I understood her feelings and felt they were justified. I guess though that leaves it unclear as to whether I think she should be able to express her feelings without me getting offended even if I don't understand her feelings or think they're justified, and I certainly want to create an environment in which she can feel safe expressing herself no matter what.

Guess I need to choose my words more wisely, and will definitely re-read the validating section of the book.

[MrCAS]

I think we all made that same mistake, brother... I know you were not minimizing her feelings. What we have to remember is the power.. the strength... the ability to inflict pain and joy... that words can have.

When she said she could tell you she was angry without you getting offended would have been a good spot for... "I am glad you feel comfortable enough to be able to do that."

I certainly want to create an environment in which she can feel safe expressing herself no matter what.

This is an excellent train of thought.