just checkin in. I have a notion i am waaay more "detached" than ever before. (i'm not over it and movin on tho) i'm still pretty much on the fence - as usual- but i'm not miserable and in pain . (i do get angry sometimes) the last three or five years have been soooo bad. i'd say last two years have been teh worst of my life. throw into the mix his dad & aunt and my mom all sick and dying- and it's been really something. maybe i've just run out of steam and caring.
i'm feeling pretty darn oddly about it all. H came up to nj- did some fixits atround house and yard, was perfectly pleasant - we went on a drive for about five days , just looking around VA and PA - very pretty countryside. It was nice.
So , then he leaves other day. i'm pretty contented and working like mad arund the house. inspired to dive into cleaning workroom from hell -
I find myself thinking about weekend coming up. i have a couple little plans and options i guess. h will probably be going to visit his ow - or she'll come to town & see him. I don't like it. i'm not bleeding like i used to - i'm not so mad my hand shake (anymore) - but i'm not totally neutral about it. i don't like it. that's all. i don't like thinking it (bad me, bad bad for allowing brain to go there). but it does, doesn't it? ya spend a lifetime with someone- and you wonder all the time what they're doing, etc. old habits die hard don't they?
it's been soooo many years- sharing a life- my mind roams over to what's up with him. i cannot see how this will end. it's sooo crazy- soo long and soo messed up- really. it's being in quick sand and managing to stay afloat, but the firm land is always beyond reach, and no matter how long ya go, nothign ever seems to be gained or accomplished.
today i think he can do this forever - and maybe is planning to. i find myself being painfully practical. I want to yell and scream and just walk out- because i'm that tired of this boring and stupid sitch. However- then i think (ever practical) that even company part of the time is better than abso-f'ing-lutely nothing at all - allllll the time. . noooo onne..... it's nice when there's someone around to cook for & eat with and have around the house. i used to want some alone time (in olden days) - now i am sick as heck of my quiet time. too much of a good thing. (dontja hate that???)
i wish i could snap my fingers and find a new companion/love man that appreciated me and my company. I probably couldn't bring myself to get "involved" - maybe i'll be all messed up. (hoping not) but ya never know- do you?
Anyway- glad to report i'm more chilled aboutt his crappola than ever before. still sleep poorly- do not hope he's having a nice time/life - i don't pursue, or talk about r , and mostly i can side-step conflict - i do say sarcastic things now or then, i'd like to say i'm perfect. not. i am doing better follwoing the mlc rules, but wonder more and more why the heck i'm even trying.
can't see the future. would like to tho. if i don't talk about "it" - i feel more even and don't go rehashing the bad old days. idk - it's soo wierd to incorporate something like this in one's life. i'm not saying i'm good at dealing with it- ow sitch - i don't fight about it- or maybe fight it . maybe i've got some resignation - good or bad? idk
now that i'm here- i've lost the thread entirely. i guess i'll go back to work and try and make it look significanlty better i[ tjere before i quit for day.
i don 't really know what the heck i was trying to say. i began thinking i was doing alot better dbing - maybe was approaching detachment - but then, maybe i'm just biding my time and waiting to see what the heck the universe delivers. oh well-
still coughing- still miss my mom & forget sometimes she's not over tehre. sure been a wacked out and exhausting years. i think i just can't get going. i'm just tired still- i thought all the hostility & trouble would end whem my mom died. my sisters are still all aro und making me nuts - but tho they have alot of advice, etc.- theyu are remarkabley unable to do anything or help with the estate stuff. sos huh???
oh well, who knows??? maybe i'll go out and dig around in garden and someone walking by will ask about a flower- and we'll discover we are soul-mates. HA! REDUCED TO THIS- fantasy land.
tra la- thank you and ddrive thru please.
xxo world. everyone cleared out to go do facebook - wah
